Figleaf's Real Adult Sex

Update: A bit of an introduction for this post. VS at Dilemmas of a Virgin-Slut, channeling an idea from Freya suggested that sex-bloggers post tales of sexual disasters this week. She closed her post by saying “As for me, I have so many disaster stories to recall that I actually have to go off now and think about it! thinks No wonder I’m still a virgin.” In that spirit here’s how my first partner and I lost our virginity.

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Oh boy. At sixteen I lost my virginity on Valentines day to a hot, passionate, very responsible, incredibly intelligent, and very attractive fifteen year old who was as passionately in love with me as I was with her. We knew about birth control. We knew about foreplay. We checked in so many ways to make sure we were ready before we started. We found a not-entirely-romantic, but safe location. She felt a little bit of pain but we’d been using our fingers to help stretch things out for a couple of weeks.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well. In the storybook high-altitude overview sense nothing did. Nobody got pregnant. We loved each other even more after than we did before. She came during intercourse (though I didn’t.)

Oh, there were a couple of things.

The biggest problem was the twist-ties. Yep, those can always be a problem. Her dad turned out to be a bit of a problem too. And I didn’t get to come which was kind of a mixed blessing. (On the one hand I didn’t come but on the other I’ve been able to brag that she came and I didn’t for decades now. Plus I got to have intercourse for the first time and it felt great so I hardly cared then or now whether I got to come too.)

Oh yeah, about those twist-ties. They were for the baggie.

Now, about her dad…

Ok. Nearly everybody’s story has a dad in there somewhere. The bit about the baggie is probably more interesting.

Ok. So in 1971-1972 there weren’t a lot of places where fifteen or sixteen-year-olds from the suburbs could buy condoms. The county health department would dispense the pill no questions asked. If anyone got pregnant there was a well-developed underground railway to get you to the District of Columbia (if you were less than 12 weeks pregnant) or New York (if you were less than 24.) But condoms were pretty much available only behind the counter in pharmacies, and back then pharmacists were stern older men (no pharmacists assistants in those days) with an amazing habit of going to the same church or PTA meetings or other social events your parents did. Neither of us had a car, or unsupervised access to one. We obviously couldn’t go in (many) bars. We tried a couple of truck stop and gas-station restrooms but even that didn’t pan out.

We thought about alternatives very carefully. We didn’t have any Saran Wrap. We used a baggie. Then, to hold it on we tried the old-fashioned twist-ties that came in the box with them. (No zip-lock back then either.) Actually I had to twist a couple of ‘em together to get them around me. And to make sure the baggie stayed on I gave them quite a few extra twists around me.

Woo hoo. If I’d only known about BDSM back then (or been into it) I’d have had it made. As it was it just another uncomfortable thing you’ll put up with when you’re dying of hormones and curiosity. (Note: I think she thought of the baggies and I think she suggested tape. I thought of the twist-ties since we couldn’t find any good moisture-resistant tape.)

Entry went pretty well, even though like everyone else (I think) we weren’t entirely sure how best to line the parts up. We’d diligently gone through tons of foreplay, including kissing, undressing, fondling, cunnilingus, and external genital contact. Then out came the baggie, on went the twist-tie, we held hands while I ate her close to the edge, we asked each other if we were sure, then if we were ready, and then…

Well, if you’ve ever had intercourse it was pretty much like that. She was very close to the edge already and I was uncomfortably constricted at the base but very comfortable where it counted. Too constricted really to come, but it felt very nice to move inside her. The twists on the twist-tie were on the bottom side of me so I rode high to avoid scratching her. That put me in exactly the right spot to contact her clitoris and she very quickly came. As soon as she did I pulled out — we were both concerned about pregnancy and not that sure how well the baggie would hold up.

I was happy though. She was very happy. Once the ice was broken we quickly summoned up the courage to find condoms after all (a bus trip way downtown to a pharmacy in a low-rent district.) Soon after she got on the pill and we went got together for love and sex as often as humanly possible.

Oh yeah, and her dad came home unexpectedly early and came that close to catching us. He didn’t care much for me at all and (paradoxically) I don’t think he even suspected we were up to anything at all.

Next time I lose my virginity I’m going to do a couple of things differently.

1) I’ll have my vasectomy first
2) If I use protection it won’t be a fucking baggie.
3) If it has to be a baggie I won’t use fucking twist-ties and I certainly won’t twist them so tight either.
4) I’ll do my best to make sure she has an orgasm, but if she does I won’t get the idea in my head that I can make anyone else have an orgasm her first time. (Another story.)
5) To the extent possible I’ll relax and try to enjoy it as well as simply experience it.
6) Oh yeah, and (hello to anyone who’s coming from Kim and Victoria’s Private Booth next time I’ll try not to have read quite so many sex-education books from the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and early 70’s with my partner before we actually try anything together. Those people were so wrong about so many things I figured out only later. As Will Rogers once said “It’s not the things we don’t know that get us into trouble. It’s the things we know that just ain’t true.” Not that I’ve ever minded unlearning anything about sex. Rogers never mentioned that discovering what’s true feels lovely more often than not. :-)

Thanks to Lynn Gazis-Sax of Noli Irritare Leones, who has been reflecting lately on her husband’s friend Hugo’s classes in sexuality for teens, has posed a list of questions that, well, everyone and not just teenagers should be able to answer before they begin having sex.

I forget that people often won’t follow links back to the original article so I’m going to excerpt the entire set of questions. (Substitute “anyone” for “teenager” in the text to make me happy.)

There’s a lot of answers, here, some of which I’m going to pose in the form of questions. Some high school age teenagers can honestly answer yes to some of these questions; in fact, some of these readiness tests are ones that quite a lot of teenagers would meet. Others are pretty darn hard.

Desire: Do you actually want to have sex? Do you actually want to have sex? You, not what someone else wants you to do? Until you can answer this question, hell, yes! you’re better off not having sex. Now, obviously, a lot of teenagers can answer this question, hell, yes! But many, especially very young teenagers, and especially teenagers with much older partners, have first sexual experiences which are really not all that consensual.

Preparation: Just the bare bones, physical, do you have a condom and know how to use it kind. Before you have sex, you need to know all that stuff about AIDS and other kinds of VD, about what kinds of birth control are actually reliable (and why, for example, a guy pulling out before he comes is not one of those reliable methods). And you need to know what kinds of things make these methods less reliable in actual use. OK, you’re on the Pill. Are you going to be able to remember to actually take that Pill every day? Will you remember about drug interactions – if you get another prescription, you need to find out, from your doctor or pharmacist, whether it will interact with the Pill and make it less effective. OK, you’re using a condom. Under what circumstances do condoms usually break? What should you be doing properly, to be less likely to be one of those people whose condom fails? Again, this is something a lot of teenagers are able to handle properly, especially older teens. But not everyone – and there should be no shame in admitting that you’re not ready for that yet.

Friendship: Sex is fun. Lots of fun. And it’s very easy to get attached to the person you’re having sex with, just because you’re having sex, regardless of whether you’re particularly suited to each other in other ways. How many friends have you had of the sex to which you’re attracted? Really good friends? How many times have you been burned, and found out someone wasn’t the friend you thought he or she was? How much experience do you have sorting out who is good for you and who isn’t? This is hard even for adults, and it’s best to have a lot of this kind of experience behind you before you throw sex into the mix. For straight teenagers (gay teenagers have a different set of issues), often they’ve been close friends mostly with their own sex, right up to the point where they start dating the other sex.

Limits: Are you good at setting limits for yourself, or do you still find yourself, on impulse, doing lots of things you regret? Are you good at setting limits for others, or do you still have problems being assertive, and find yourself yielding to pressure? It’s often easier to set a firm limit in advance than a flexible one that you have to judge from one moment to the next – this is true for adults as well. If you’re having trouble with credit cards, you may have an easier time cutting the credit cards up than keeping them and trying to stick to a budget. And if you find yourself trying too hard to please others, and not speaking up when you want to, then, even if you’re already quite mature in other ways – responsible, careful, good about handling any responsibility you’re given – sex may not be for you.

Dating scene: The high school dating scene sucks. I learned the truth at seventeen, that love was meant for beauty queens is so many people’s experience of how they go through high school. Past high school, in college and beyond, sure, the really attractive and extroverted will do better in their love lives than those who aren’t – but not to nearly the same degree. Get to college, and it’s much easier to find people who actually like you (not that the college dating scene doesn’t have its own difficulties, but it has more rewards). I don’t know how persuasive this reason would be to teenagers (and especially to those who feel they actually have found their true love), but from my adult perspective, in hindsight, making friends of your favored sex and becoming the sort of person who can form the sort of relationship you want is a better focus, in high school, than actually getting laid.

Studies: You don’t want a lot of relationship drama interfering with these. The longer you wait to have sex (within reason), the more likely it is that you stay on track. Obviously, from an adult perspective, this looks like a higher priority than sex. (Teen perspectives may vary, here.)

Drugs and Alcohol: Generally, you’re learning about drugs and alcohol at the same age where you’re learning about sex. And drugs and alcohol can mix very badly with sex. Best you learn how much alcohol you can handle when you’re with someone who doesn’t want to sleep with you.

Consequences: There are two obvious consequences of sex that are relevant here: STDs and pregnancy. And obviously, both of them are to a significant extent preventable. In the case of STDs, I don’t see any compelling reason to encourage abstinence. (Others differ, of course: David Morrison’s shift from openly gay man to chastely living with same-sex attraction seems to have been heavily influenced by his experience of the AIDS epidemic. To me, though, I figure, no matter what, we all do things that involve some risk of death. Just driving involves some risk of death. And, having sex while using a condom, and with some care as to the circumstances (don’t have sex with lots of different people, don’t mix sex and alcohol) just doesn’t seem like that high a risk of death or chronic illness.

Pregnancy is another matter. Because pregnancy raises, not just the question of how you prevent it, but of what you do in the inevitable cases where the prevention fails. That’s not such an issue with STDs, because what you should do when prevention fails is straightforward – go to a doctor, and follow your doctor’s advice. In the case of pregnancy, you have a choice: get an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, or keep the baby. You want to have sex, and you’re talked about birth control. Do you know whether you’re at all on the same page about what’s going to happen if the birth control fails? Or is one of you going to get an unpleasant surprise?

This also means, that, for me, as an adult, to say that I’m truly OK with teenagers in high school having sex, I have to be saying one of two things. Either I have to be saying that I’m OK with the girl making that choice, whatever her choice may be (and however little I may think she knows about what she’s really choosing), and I’ll cheerfully support her in any of these choices. Or I have to be saying that I’m fine with teenagers having sex, and that I think that, when a pregnancy results, adults should step in and insist that they make the right choice. You are not getting that abortion, because we don’t kill our unborn babies. You’re fifteen, and you’re having that child. Or, you are not having that baby, because I know how it will ruin your future. You’re fifteen, and I’m taking you to that abortion clinic, and you will listen to reason. And if I’m not easy imagining a teenage girl in that position – and I’m not – I have no business being any easier with a teenage boy having sex.

Second, what qualifications would I want to make to my just say no advice?

Abstinence vs. Birth Control: Pregnancy’s really the difficulty, right? Because, on the one hand, as long as pregnancy is, not just something you don’t want, but a life-shattering disaster, I really do think it’s better that you’re not having sexual intercourse at all (in general – telling people with severe health problems that they should never have sex, period, is a lot more severe than I’d care to be). On the other hand, in practice, demanding that everyone abstain and not givng any reliable information about birth control doesn’t seem to me a terribly effective way of preventing pregnancy. Buying into abstinence takes faith, and a much more compelling story than condoms break. Besides, I believe that nearly everyone – even people who never have sex before marriage – is going to want to use birth control at some time, and there’s no better time to get that information than when you’re still in school. For all these reasons, I think sex ed in public schools should not be abstinence only, and if I myself am asked what I honestly think of teenagers having sex, part of my full answer (after the I’d really rather you don’t do it part) has to be, if you do have sex, please use two methods of birth control at least – a condom for the boy, and something else that’s reliable for the girl.

What counts as sex?: If you’re doing things with each other’s naked genitals, you’d better have learned first about STDs. If you’re touching each other in intimate ways, all that stuff I’ve said about the emotions involved obviously applies. Sex that doesn’t involve sexual intercourse is still real sex. And it’s still something I’d rather young teenagers postponed. On the other hand, in purely secular terms, I can’t think of any earthly reason why young teenagers shouldn’t be masturbating as much as they darn well please. Indeed, in purely secular terms, masturbation seems like a pretty positive choice. Masturbation and fantasy seems to me one of those areas where experience is most at odds with Christian doctrine (I’m not sure what to do with that, when I get to write the more Christian-oriented sex before marriage post).

Also, it does seem to me, in practical terms, that when you actually do have sex, it works better if you first do the part where you make out and learn to give each other orgasms, and only after you’re figured out how to bring the woman to orgasm try the losing your virginity part. Even if you’ve both been abstaining while you eagerly await your wedding night, the wedding night will probably go more pleasantly if the husband brings his wife to orgasm before they tackle the hymen. And there’s lots of reasons people may consider themselves ready for some sort of sex, while still considering pregnancy to be a life-shattering disaster (people who take abortion for granted sometimes find this hard to understand – but if abortion isn’t an option, even reliable birth control just may not be enough for you). So, while technical virginity has a lot that can be criticized about it, and though those other things you do together with your genitals really are sex, I’ll part company with those who see technical virginity as simply hypocritical; it really does make sense as a birth control choice. As well as being (in secular terms, recognizing that this secular experience is kind of shaky in terms of squaring with Christian tradition) a good way of being sure that everyone gets practice doing those other things that lots of women, even if they are having sexual intercourse, really need to reach orgasm. So there are definite benefits to putting off sexual intercourse, even if you’re already sexually active.

Third, why are my real thoughts on sex at that age so one-size-fits-all, when I know that teens vary so much?

Simply put, it’s really easy to kid yourself, about how ready you are (this is true for adults as well). In situations where I think that most people would be making a mistake to have sex, I’m not sex-positive enough to want to rescue the few happier experiences. Of course, I know that the chances that teenagers in general will all start listening to me are approximately nil (in some ways, I doubt I’m the person teenagers should be listening to about sex, because my own sexual history has been nobody’s model). But, after all, that slip of paper Hugo got asked, What do you really think about us having sex at our age? and not What do you really think we’ll do? And what I really think is that waiting is a really good idea, and that, if you’re in high school, you’ll likely gain more than you’ll lose by waiting.

I still recommend reading Lynn’s entire post, of which this is only a lengthy excerpt.

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My thoughts on this, excerpted from my comments to her post.

A former colleague told me yesterday that his son, who sees the neighbor kids gathering to catch the school bus every morning, says he’s ready for school. He’s made himself a little lunch box and back pack, loaded them up with food and supplies. He gets himself dressed and waits by the door. He’s so sure he’s ready. He’s sure he’s prepared. He really doesn’t want to wait.

He’s only just turned three.

That’s not to say some three year olds are ready for Kindergarten. But way fewer are than say they are. (Clues in this case? “Lunch” sometimes consists of toys and rocks. His backpack is sometimes a pillowcase. His supplies are sometimes more rocks. Sometimes “getting dressed” means putting boots and coat over pajamas.

He’s not ready.

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Similarly not all young people are ready for sex when they think they are. Quite a few adults aren’t either.

I’m stronglyl biased towards waiting until you can answer all of Lynn’s questions regarding desire (and how critical it is that you’re having sex because you really want to and not because you want affirmation/experience/acceptance/milestones/etc.), preparation (including birth control, disease prevention, basic mechanics including masturbation, affirmative negotiation skills, and clear understanding of local peer-group conventions), friendship, dating scene, studies, drugs and alcohol (far, far better you have sex and no alcohol or drugs than drugs and alcohol and no sex!), consequences (including pregnancy and STDs but also, for instance, the possibilities that one’s partner may lose interest or alternately become possessive.)

If you’re there then it’s reasonable to say ok, you’re ready. However you really need to be there and not just think you are. The lunchbox can’t be full of rocks. The reasons can’t include “he/she says he really loves me. The preparation can’t include “you can’t catch STDs if you pee right after you screw.”

Remember, the real objective is to have a long, healthy, ecstatic love life. There are always exceptions, but the usual answer is “wait a little longer.” You’ll enjoy it more. Pass it on.

Another non-salacious Saturdy blog — delayed.

I’ve been thinking a bit about virginity again lately. VS at Dilemmas of a Virgin-Slut, channeling an idea from Freya, suggests:

Anyway, I propose that this week should be devoted to real disastrous sex, so dear reader, share your sex-mishaps, and if you know of any such stories on blogs, please provide a link.

My loss of virginity was an instructive disaster. Qualified, not unqualified, but still a disaster. I’ll post about that sometime this week. Today, though, I want to talk about our conceptions of virginity, women’s virginity in particular, and what an unqualified social disaster that’s been.

The awesome Lynn Gazis-Sax of Noli Irritare Leones wrote about virginity a little while ago. Lynn writes from a deeply religious progressive perspective and brings up a common contemporary image used to encourage chastity in young women.

I wanted to share with you an image that we’ve used in the past that has been helpful for us in relating God’s best for sex. We take in with us a 2 beautiful red roses and tell the kids that the rose represents God’s gift of their sexuality. With the first rose we pass it around and ask the kids to do whatever they want with it. We encourage them to pick petals off, throw it, step on it, whatever. Then we say — when you share this gift with others, before marriage, it gets damaged, used. Then we bring out the other, still perfect rose and say, But if you wait until your marriage night, this perfect rose is your gift to your new spouse. And finally, because some have already used their rose we add include the Good News that God also redeems. Even if they have chosen to have sex, God will honor their choice to abstain from this day on until marriage and can and will redeem their sexuality. I believe it is a wonderful image. I hope it speaks to you.

Lynn isn’t too crazy about the imagery either. I hate it! It’s so utterly so embedded in the notion of women as portable, spoilable property — pussies inconveniently connected to chattels valued for their ability to keep their recepticles ready for, and only for, their property holders. (It’s telling that the original tenth commandment, frequently shortened to “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” translates to something more like “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.” Pussy as property, and we’re not talking about her property either. Whee. As an admonition against jealousy, envy, and resentment the Tenth is an anchoring commandment. The popular interpretation, however, is beyond rude.)

But I digress…

Lynn recounts the loss of her own virginity in her post. It’s a terrible story. After finally surrendering her heart to this young man she chose to have intercourse with him as well. She says

Then there was the sex itself. It hurt, and was over just as soon as it barely felt slightly pleasant. OK, I knew to expect something like this the first time – but everything but so went better than this. If I hadn’t done everything but, I don’t know how I’d have retained any confidence that sex could actually be fun.

Soon after he said, in effect, I’ll call ya.

First of all losing one’s virginity, though rarely as enjoyable as the everything elses one can do instead, doesn’t amount to damaging or destroying a flower.

Actually it’s hard to express just how much I dislike the rose metaphor, not least because it so utterly discounts the rest of the rose bush! We stress, and stunt, and breed, and cull rose plants by the millions, grousing all the while about the thorns and ugly foliage, just so we can harvest their sex organs. And never mind all the dead-heading of faded flowers, nor discarding of less than flawless blooms. Few of us would keep such otherwise ugly, denatured, and high-maintenance brambles around were it not for the value we attach to the pleasure of their blossoms. (No, I’m not a plants-rights fanatic — I’m just trapped in the metaphor.)

If anything the damage done to Lynn wasn’t about her rose at all. It was the systematic plucking of thorns leading up to her acquiescence that left her defenseless after he lost interest, and perhaps the cultivation (in the metaphorically horticultural sense) that puts more significance on the blossom of our virginity than simple physiology can support.

I’m very sorry she lost her virginity that way, and so very sorry she’s by any means the only person to do so. I recognize why it would put her off men for so long (though better education and a less medieval acculturation might have prepared both her and her partner to expect and deal with a bit of disappointment that first time.)

We don’t share all the same attitudes towards loss of virginity because of different moral systems and personal experiences (my first partner was very conscious, very assertive, and very much a contributor when we lost ours together) but I hope we can agree that society prepares neither boys nor girls particularly well for it, I think we can agree on some of the reasons why that is, and we might eventually agree on some of the steps that could be taken to mitigate the problems — starting with replacement of the rose metaphor with something that acknowledges the whole person and not her isolated membranes.

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In a just world the rose would be the metaphor for our hearts and loving souls, not our defloralable privates. In a just world we’d either draw the line way before intercourse — say, speaking or kissing passionately (where I, the libertine prude, mark the separation of sex and non-sex) — or well after, but either way I’d say we should jealously guard and only carefully give our hearts — true love — the only real perfect roses — for our life partners.

Ok, these are still pretty work-safe. Yes, I’ve got some decidedly non-work-safe ones, and I will post some of them someday, but (to paraphrase Frank Zappa) hand any bozo with a Brownie can show that all complete. Or, to put it another way, pretty much everybody gets erections and they all mean pretty much the same thing, plus it’s hard to think when you’ve got one — or maybe hard to have one when you’re thinking. :-)

Long ago now a friend and I were discussing what constitutes good male imagery for women. She said “What’s missing from the only (very little) male pornography I’ve seen is the graphic quality on a scale even approaching what happens with photos of naked women. Flaccid men, erotic as art, absolutely – or in person with the right man, yes, but – what are you left with when there’s neither art nor pornography? If we’re going to be expected to get aroused by this stuff (which holds none of the important emotional components or deeper clues to arousal about sex for me) well … let’s get it up guys! 2D boy-toys have much competition around here from their 3D disembodied replicas.”

I think the problem with graphic quality in photos of men, by the way, is that they’re really not meant for women. Or, since that sounds trite, what I mean is that they’re typically made by and for other men and men are often more interested in photography as narrow illustration. For instance men, me included, are notorious for ignoring crossing phone lines when we shoot landscapes and sunsets. In porn terms it rarely matters that the bed’s unmade, the backlighting is horrible, the white balance is off, etc., as long as the model’s genitals are in focus. A few years ago a non-porn weblog pointed me to a site that Photoshops the subjects out of amateur gay-male porn and pokes fun at the interior décor. In mainstream pornography there’s allegedly a standard lighting setup, adapted from portrait photography, that’s so uniformly used it almost doesn’t matter who’s taking the photos or who’s in them. That’s all a long way of saying I don’t know anybody who’s thinking about what it means to photograph men erotically — to present them personally, emotionally, even atmospherically, and not just mechanically.

Since I don’t have any good examples I’m trying to make it up myself, with the added stipulation that I want it to still show me the way I am, as a subject of the pictures and not just an object. (Yes, trying to stay anonymous makes it hard not to turn me into a series of objects.)

Anyway, the other day Demure mentioned she likes socks. I’m trying to learn from her I thought I’d try something like Socks-38 and Socks-56. Or you can see me, even more fully dressed and from behind, in WindowBehind009.

I’m not saying I won’t eventually figure this stuff out for myself, but it would be helpful to know what you’d rather see. (If you’d rather see nothing at all that’s good feedback too.)

Most porn fucking is about the guy pretending to be satisfying (or at least impressing) the woman. She grimaces and rolls her eyes and pretends she’s wildly out of control on the end of this guy’s mighty scepter or tongue or whatever while he pretends he’s some kind of prodigious stud having the time of his life. All fine in theory but it tends to look more like they’re doing sit-down or bend-over aerobics till the director says ‘cut’ or the guy loses his woody.

You know what’s weird about porn? It seems like the guys are always already hard. I don’t know how things have changed since Viagra came out, but in the old days porn studios hired “fluffers” who’s job was getting or keeping the actors hard enough to jump into bed with the primary actresses. While certainly not the worst thing about porn I gotta say it has to be the absolute weirdest.

What’s with that anyway? Most guys tend to struggle with erection and/or ejaculation control anyway. Instead of trying to get actors straight to bumpity-bumpity-bumpity intercourse why don’t they get to play around instead? Make it a game to see how long they both can keep him going, and how close to the edge they can get him before he loses it. Make it ok for him to stop when he gets close, and lots of ok techniques for helping him stop if he’s about to pop. After a while he’ll get into the swing of it and maybe go for a while.

Most porn sites skip all that. Oh yeah, I remember why. It’s called foreplay and porn sites don’t get it. They don’t even get it for women so why would they get it for men? (Besides, it would put all those fluffers out of work.)

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Taking it one step further, I’d pay extra to watch an experienced and non-sarcastic actress going out of her way to arouse an inexperienced or camera-shy man. I mean, I’m pretty sure photos of anything she did to try to arouse him would arouse us too! :-)

Laura at I Am Yellow (Curious) has some interesting thoughts about RISUG, an injectable contraceptive for men. On th one hand it’s evidently non-hormonal and lasts six to fifteen years! On the other hand you’ve got to take his word for it.

I had a vasectomy when I was 21 (then in my 40s a reversal, two wonderful children, and another vasectomy right after) because I’ve always been militantly opposed to unplanned pregnancy.

I was always a bit stunned when women believed me when I said I’d had one. (You don’t know how many asked after sex if I really had one.) It’s not that I’m not a nice guy — I at least try to be — or honest about sex — I try extra hard to be — so maybe my partners would have been more wary of other guys. But still!

If I was the one who could get pregnant I’d want to see some extremely tangible proof that the guy I was knocking boots with was really taking the shots. I’m thinking something like those blue bands on Oral B toothbrushes that fade when when they wear out.

One night stands are fine — if you’re going to have one — because you’d be nuts not to use a condom anyway. With a long-term partner I’d be more worried he’d space out the appointment than that he was willfully plotting paternity. Either way though I’d want to see that big blue dot somewhere beforehand. Every time.

Note: It goes both ways, by the way. If I had to rely on my partner for birth control I’d want to see blue dots somewhere on her too. The Left-Handed Dictionary defined babies as “innocent byproducts.”

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Note: I just drank up Laura’s blog. She’s one of those people who doesn’t just think about sex, she thinks about it. I’ll try not to go overboard citing her over the next few days but I’ve definitely got a lot of new food for thought. I give her a big thumbs up.

I’m fit, tall, strong, modestly nearly handsome, happy, passionate, creative, curious, and horny. Vasectomy and no STDs but very happy to use condoms and other barrier methods even though you’re STD-free too. Equally at home gently making love to the smell of candles and massage oil, or firmly turning you over the cushions, spanking you cherry red, and taking you… well, we’ll talk about what turns you on before we get to any of that anyway.

If you can, when we’re not having sex I’d really like to ask you to show me around your town, have dinner with me (we can go out or shop, cook, and clean up together) and talk with me about your classes, career, clothes, shoes, hobbies, family, your dreams and sorrows, or anything else that suits your fancy.

In other words, I don’t want wild no-strings sex with a stranger, I want to have wild no-strings sex with you.

:-)

Yes this is non-salacious but I wanted to take a moment to wish Heroine Girl a happy birthday. She’s had a tough row to hoe, between heroine addiction, street prostitution, and now drastic hepatitis treatments. I’ve had very, very little to do with heavy-duty opiates but I’ve known, and occasionally even loved, enough current and former addicts that it’s important for me to acknowledge people with the strength to pull themselves out of it.

Happy birthday, HG. Congratulations too, and good luck.

Via Gloria Brame’s Inside the Mind of Gloria Brame we learn that "Today marks the beginning of Chastity Awareness Week in Pennsylvania…" We’ve all heard by now that these nominally conservative Red-staters have a far higher divorce and child pregnancy rates than normal people (e.g. Blue staters.) Now they’re out there encouraging the BDSM subspecialty of chastity fetish. For instance just now Google reports Results 1 – 100 of about 433,000 for bdsm AND chastity. (0.19 seconds)! Here’s an excerpt:

Google Directory – Adult > Society > Sexuality > Activities and ...
... Information on Chastity Belts – http://www.sexuality.org/l/ bdsm / chastity .html
Chastity Belt Frequently Asked Questions. ...
directory.google.com/Top/Adult/Society/ Sexuality/Activities_and_Practices/BDSM/Chastity_Belts/ – 13k – Cached – Similar pages


Google Directory – Adult > Shopping > Sex Toys and Supplies > BDSM ...
... Adult > Shopping > Sex Toys and Supplies > BDSM > Chastity Belts ... [Nevada,
US] Acrylic male chastity device that locks directly onto the cock and ...
directory.google.com/Top/Adult/Shopping/ Sex_Toys_and_Supplies/BDSM/Chastity_Belts/ – 9k – Cached – Similar pages

CB3000 Chastity Cage Only: ExtremeRestraints.com
... Note: This purchase does not include any bondage gear, sex toys, chastity
belt, electrosex and other bdsm toys by Extreme Restraints.
www.extremerestraints.com/stat/cbcage.html – 23k – Cached – Similar pages

CB-2000 Male Chastity Device Sale! Free Shipping ...
... is consistently one of the most popular sections of our bondage gear, sex
toys, chastity belt, electrosex and other bdsm toys by Extreme Restraints.
www.extremerestraints.com/stat/cb101c.html – 26k – Cached – Similar pages

Welcome to Lock n’Keep – The Chastity and BDSM Portal
The Chastity belt, consensual BDSM , teasing & denial Community portal offering
free information and services.
www.locknkeep.com/ – 8k – Cached – Similar pages

BDSM Links
Chastity Belts and Devices, BDSM Art and Photography ... Lock ‘n’ Keep — The
first free BDSM and Chastity portal offering Key Holder service. ...
www.sweet chastity .com/links.shtml – 22k – Cached – Similar pages

Search4bondage.com bondage and bdsm directory
... The first free portal for the BDSM , teasing, denial and Chastity play ...
Chastity FemDom for sissies and cuckolds. BDSM toys for Mistress and slaves. ...
www.search4bondage.com/ chastity / – 17k – Cached – Similar pages

BDSM Library – Library News
... Creative Submissions ( M/f D/s BDSM chastity belt real ScFi romantic mc ...
enema modification scatology transgender transvestite BDSM slavery chastity ...
www. bdsm library.com/stories/ – 72k – Cached – Similar pages

It was bad enough when they were just trying to legislate morality. Now they’re attempting to legislating immorality? The people I know who practice enforced chastity and orgasm denial seem to really, really enjoy it so it’s not like I have a problem with it. As with any subspecialty of sexual preferene, though, I think it’s very, very tiresome when people try to impose their fetishes on other people, and outright weird when they try to turn their preferences into law.

Update: When I pasted the Google findings I introduced a raft of HTML errors. It took several iterations to fix. Sorry for anyone who wound up with multiple trackbacks.

Not sure how much anyone wants to see anyway so I’ll start (Figleaf-ca~2005) slowly (LuckyJeans01) and wait for someone to say either “stop” or “more please.”

Thanks to Cookiebush, ThatGirl, Phillip, and especially LeDemure for the inspiration.