Figleaf's Real Adult Sex

A very nice post from Alyssa de Jour

I don’t always quote entire posts but this is a worthy exception. First of all it’s worth repeating. Second, I’d be sorry if for some reason the original was ever lost. So here goes. My comments follow.

Penis size.

The other day a friend was reading my blog, and suggested I do a "tip for how to impress a woman" on penis size… he was saying this is a topic guys may find particularly helpful as it is topic that makes all guys paranoid.

Well, I can’t really do a "how to" on the subject because it is not something you can really "how to", rather you are stuck with what you have! No less, I have taken the suggestion on board, and thought I would write an entire piece on the subject. What do women really think about penis size? And about penis’ in general.

So this is an honest account of my own opinion taken from my own personal experience and from frank and honest discussions with other women. And yes boys, we do discuss you all — in detail so graphic it is frightening! This is a fact, so deal with it!

Firstly, I’d like to make the point here that the size of a flaccid dick is of no consequence to a woman. So don’t go looking at each other in the shower or peeing etc for comparisons – it means nothing at all. You can be quite large flaccid and not grow much when hard, or you could be tiny flaccid and Godzilla is reborn when you become erect!! Women know this! So next time you are taking a piss at the trough, know that how you measure up to the guy next to you means nothing at all (hopefully this will assist if you have stage fright when trying to pee).

Now guys can be too big — there is actually such a thing, believe it or not! By too big I mean too long. I have never heard of a guy being too thick. But if any of you out there know of such a guy, do let me know, I have some friends who would really like to meet him (and my husband Jim is already off the market)!

But if a guy is too long he can hit your cervix, and let me tell you it hurts like hell! So if you are so endowed, there are certain sexual positions you should avoid — doggy style in particular is out! A good alternative is to make love to your women while she lies on she stomach with her legs together. This way the penetration isn’t as deep, but you get great access to her g-spot.

What makes for a good-sized dick is really the thickness – the thicker the better! Shorter in length doesn’t really matter. This is the main consensus of the women I have spoken to.

But if you are really, really short and really, really thin, then you are in trouble! But don’t worry, on the positive side you are likely to cop lots of head-jobs! She will be able to be like a porn star and take all of you in her mouth, and she will really like this. This is of course unless she can deep throat, but if she can chances are she’s the type that would have already walked out the door by now.

I guess the main tip for guys when it comes to size is to explore sexual positions that best compliment your own anatomy, choosing deep or shallow penetrating positions to suit. And of course, practice, practice, practice!

The shape can be important to, but it’s not critical. A slight Banana-like bend can be effective, with the bend up for the best access to the G-spot. But like I said, it is not critical — you can choose positions that best compliment this also.

Now to the old argument of ‘circumcised vs. non-circumcised’... during sexual intercourse itself, there is very little difference. I guess from a women’s point of view, if you still have your fore-skin, it makes it much easier to "handle" in that the skin moves, so you can get a good grip with minimal friction (not all women are comfortable with spitting on their hand, particularly early on in the relationship!). But if you are un-cut, make sure you are diligent with your hygiene! (This ranks up there with "tip for how to impress a woman #1… brush your teeth" — there are no exceptions to this rule!).

And as for staying power, most men generally fall into 2 categories — the quick to shoot, and they stayers. Now most men are under the false impression that being a stayer is what most women are looking for, and can even become quite anxious about coming too quickly. Can I be the first to dispel this myth — that’s right — myth!!

From my own frame of reference, there is nothing worse than a guy who doesn’t come until Christmas. In fact, there is no bigger ‘blow’ (pardon the pun) to a woman’s self — esteem. You lie there while he’s pumping away thinking "man, what the hell’s wrong with me, am I that unattractive that he can’t get-off… is this ever gonna end?!". Not only this, once a stayer does blow, generally it’s all over rover for quite some time. So if the girl has yet to reach that moment of pleasure, she can then kiss goodbye getting it (from intercourse anyway) for the next few hours.

It is much better to be a guy who’s quick to shoot, but quick to recover! It’s actually extremely flattering for a woman when a guy is so aroused by her he just can’t help himself, but is still so aroused that his back again in 2 minutes flat!

But no matter what you are like — being a master of fore-play is the biggest asset you can have. It’s like this — you can be with the most beautiful woman on earth, but you won’t have memorable sex with her if she just lies there like a silent corpse (unless of course that is what you are into — ugh!). So be sure to pay attention to her full body and know how to please her with more than just intercourse — read books if you have to on the subject! Oh, even the chick magazines have some good tips (but you boyz out there already knew this… we know you read ‘em!)

So the bottom line is, you are going to be judged more by how the whole experience made her feel than just from your dick. Remember this!!!

Brilliant and original post, Alyssa! Thanks.

First of all yikes! Women talk about us with their friends? Most men are so
stigmatized by the whole "locker-room talk" myth that we never mention anything we do with our partners… after the first time we actually have sex and thus know what we’re talking about.

Also, good points about erect and flaccid sizes. Most (straight) men never see the transition between in anyone else so we tend not to realize there’s not a lot of linkage between on and the other. In the restroom they’re all flaccid. In porn they’re always hard. So thanks.

Finally, the business about longer vs. wider. I get the impression that given a choice most men would prefer longer to thicker. You’ve confirmed what a lot of other women say which is that, given a choice, they’d prefer a thicker partner to a longer one.

I remember hearing a while ago that during sex men tend to enjoy the feeling of friction while women tend to prefer stretching.

If so (and I think it’s true) this would explain men’s preference for length and women’s for width.

It also explains why men tend to rub their partner’s soft bits "too
hard."

Another thing. Thanks for the info on coming quickly vs. taking forever. Men have also been stigmatized over premature ejaculation to a point that we’re afraid to come at all before we’re sure our partners have.

At least for me I never thought through what it must be like to excite a partner so much he can’t hold back.

Must be one of those communication things, eh? Where he’s trying to be a gentleman and meanwhile she’s wondering if she’s not very exciting to him. :-)

All good points, and I mean good ones! I’ll take them to heart next time my partner and I make love.

Thanks!

My perspective on blogging anonymously have evolved considerably in the five years I’ve been doing it. Originally I was so freaked out about being discovered I threatened to completely pull the plug on the entire enterprise. But then when I started blogging I imagined I’d spend quite a bit more time talking about personal experience and fantasies. When I started blogging I was a completely mild-mannered urban stay-at-home dad with children in pre-school, a pleasant marriage to a genuinely wonderful partner, a high libido, an almost overwhelming interest in not just the mechanics of sex but the history, politics, and social theory of it.

Turns out that while I suspected I’d write more about lust and personal recollection and the minutia of bodily intersection I’ve instead written far more about assumptions, stereotypes, policies, and practices that either stand unnaturally in the way of bodily intersection or else unnaturally drives demand for those intersections beyond our natural desires.

When I started blogging I imagined mine was an extraordinary sex drive and an ordinary interest in the sociology of sex. Over time I’ve learned that my sex drive is actually ordinary (in the most marvelous sense) but that my interest the politics and sociology of sex, gender, and relationships is not at all usual. So while I still mean to remain semi-anonymous, and while I even think it’s a good thing to at least begin one’s blogging career anonymously if the topic is one’s sexuality and relationships, I no longer intend to be reflexively closeted about it.

The following is my original “why I blog anonymously post,” written about a month after I first launched this site.

Via Welcome to Alyssa:

"When a man sweeps you off your feet, he is in a perfect position to drop you on your butt" – Heather W.

I don’t blog anonymously to protect my reputation. I’m not particularly shy about sex, my occasionally torrid but generally ordinary past, my ill-informed opinions, or even my poor spelling and worse copyediting. If it was just me I’d use my real name.

Instead I try to stay anonymous so that I can talk about people I know without betraying their trust. I might not mind letting the world know that many years ago I once slept with a former Junior Miss America runner-up and her best friend, but I don’t know if she, let alone her friend, would appreciate me letting the world know that she slept with me!

Actually we only slept — just snuggling, just good friends, no sex, not even kissing. Most of my personal stories are similarly tame so it wouldn’t be the end of the world if someone figured out who I am. Most of the time. I do have some touchy friends and former partners. And occasionally I have something more personal to talk about. (I’ll get to that in a second, I just want to finish this explanation before I do.)

Anyway, because non-solo sex by definition involves other parties, and because I wouldn’t feel comfortable discussing them without their permission, in ways that made them identifiable, I’ve adopted this little figleaf of plausible deniability. "Yes, that does sound like something we did." "That’s quite a complement but I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else." That sort of thing.

If it’s really important to know who I am you could probably figure it out. To make it even easier, if you really wanted to know you could probably email me, tell me why, and I’ll just tell you. But to protect the privacy of innocent bystanders I’d prefer that you didn’t.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, the introductory quote.

I have a very old friend, someone I care quite a lot about, who’s always swept off her feet and then dropped on her ass. She loves the sweeping part. Mad, passionate flings with hopelessly romantic men who shower her with flowers and poetry, who spend days together in bed with her, who leap tall buildings and swim raging rivers for her, and… well, who are generally too good to be true.

And they’re not. They’re not all bad, in fact most of them have been pretty great. It’s not that they drop her so much as they finally fall, but no matter — she lands on her ass. But nobody human can maintain that level of intensity forever. Eventually comes the fall, and for all its predictability it’s painful. Not as painful to watch as to experience, but painful no matter how you look at it.

I’ve done that too, a couple of times. Been so swept off my feet, or with someone I’ve somehow swept off of hers. Those are the ones that have always hurt the worst.

All in all I prefer a slow steady burn. A long term relationship that starts out slowly and builds, where you have time to form realistic expectations rather than mad, self-reflective impressions. Ones where infatuation passes and you’re still interested in them and, equally important, you’re still interesting to them.

I know my friend is lonely. Actually I know a lot of people who are lonely for similar reasons. I know you can have it, just like I know some kids grow up to be basketball stars or astronauts. But to pin your hopes on that, to pass on long-term relationships with someone who’s good enough because you’re still waiting for the perpetual-motion-machine man… I don’t know, it’s just hard to watch. It’s even harder to watch over and over and over. Hardest of all to hear them say "I know, I ought to know better, but… when I’m away he doesn’t sleep, he just writes song after song about me…" over and over again.

Magnificent, yes, but is it love if it can’t last?

I haven’t been posting lately because I’ve been fiddling around with a new template design.

It’s taking a lot of fiddling and it’s not yet done. I’m using (abusing?) a lot of CSS 2.0 tweaks and twiddles, which older browsers will balk at. It’s got JavaScript to handle a bug in Explorer 6.0’s background-fixed handling. It flickers weirdly in FireFox (surely not a bug?) It’ll use a lot of bandwidth.

But it’s pretty (or will be when it’s all done.) The background image is called Still life with peaches and fig leaves by 14th Century painter Giovanni Ambrogio Figin. And this is a blog about sex, for crying out loud, not 911, CNN, or something really critical.

I will optimize if for accessability but not till the original design is complete.

Link: Preview the new look

Note: In a way the easy part’s done — all the major styling, imaging, and structural alterations. The hard part — the part I really don’t want to hear about till I actually activate the new templates — is all the futzy little margin, border, and font-color tweaks that turn a techno-twit design into something you’d actually want to read.

If you’ve got non-futzy margins/padding/font-color comments please jump in. I’ll give you credit in the inaugural post.

From the new Ron Howard documentary on the movie Deep Throat:

...Deep Throat was the first time the very idea of a woman’s sexual
fulfillment was an issue onscreen. That wasn’t a minor matter, for either
film’s adherents or detractors. Bailey and Barbato feature a quote from the New
York City prosecutor who successfully sued to close the theater in which Deep
Throat was playing: "The movie says it’s perfectly normal to have a
clitoral orgasm and THAT IS WRONG."

Link: Via Slate Magazine

When people ask what "all them damn feminists" are going on about, the answer is that’s what they were going on about.

Yes, Caitlin Hall is right that porn doesn’t really objectify women (at least not the same way), but neither is Naomi Wolfe completely wrong to remember it sure as hell used to. In the end the big differences between Hall and Wolfe probably have more to do with age, time, and memory than anything else.

See also: About Objectification in Porn

A startling tidbit from ThatGirl:

Home from the bar at 4AM— turned down a veiled offer of sex, but he’s a great friend— plus I haven’t shaved. [emphasis mine]

The reasonable side of me wants to acknowledge that the story about needing to
shave was way to diplomatically decline sex with a friend. The unreasonable
side of me says "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BAAAAAAD EXCUUUUUUUSE!!!!"

I don’t have the reference at my fingertips so I don’t remember the exact
figures, but according to a snippet in a recent issue of Women’s Health
Magazine, the number two reason for turning down sex with a man you’re very
attracted to is "haven’t shaved/waxed lately." The number one reason is no condoms and/or birth control. At least from a man’s perspective, one of these two reasons is not like the other one!

Think about it! Most men at least claim willingness to crawl miles through parched deserts, to swim shark-infested waters, or wrestle their weight in anything except angry bees to win fair lady.

While the sentiment may be a bit far from the reality of what men are willing to do, there’s no question that like most men, ThatGirl’s friend would probably gouge out his own eyes if he learned a little bit of stubble — her stubble, not his! — was all that kept her from falling into his arms.

The bottom line isn’t that men aren’t going to notice or that we’re all such Neanderthals that we don’t care what condition you’re in as long as we can fuck you. It’s more that we appreciate the contingencies that go along with spontaneity.

It would be one thing if a woman or a man showed up bristly-chinned or pubis’d for a long-planned date where there was some expectation that you might wind up in bed. It’s something entirely different if you’re just out and about, something spontaneous happens, and you’re caught a little off guard.

Tip #1: All you have to say is something like "I haven’t been thinking
about sex for weeks, and I certainly didn’t expect to run into you this
evening, but for some reason I want to do something with you right now." then stubble is only going the spontaneity more authentic. He’ll be too flattered, and possibly stunned, to care.

Tip #2: I think because most men constantly have to deal with shaving we might be more open to the idea of touching up on the fly. Since there’s no reason women shouldn’t enjoy the same benefit let me recommend the perfectly delightful, lightweight Braun 370 Pocket Twist Battery-operated shaver.

It’s tiny, comfortable, inexpensive, and shaves almost as well as a foam-and-razor razor. Quite a few men have this or something like it in their desk, glove compartment or briefcase for a quick tune-up if they’re going straight out after work.

The only downside — admittedly a big one — is that it buzzes, and vibrates for that matter, like a small vibrator. That’s fine in a public restroom if you’re shaving your chin in the mirror, but probably not so hot if you’re shaving elsewhere.

Update: Based on a comment from Carol I ought to clarify that I’m not saying one should or shouldn’t shave. I’m just saying that if you sometimes do but haven’t lately you shouldn’t stress about it.

Via Hit & Run:

By a vote of 60 to 34, the Virginia House of Delegates has approved a bill that would fine people $50 for wearing low-riding pants that show off their underwear in a "lewd or indecent manner." The bill’s author, Delegate Algie T. Howell Jr. (D-Norfolk), explained that "it’s not an attack on baggy pants….To vote for this bill would be a vote for character, to uplift your community and to do something good not only for the state of Virginia, but for this entire country."

A link to the actual bill would be useful. As far as I can tell from the Washington Times article, the law prevents you from to showing your tightie-whities above the waistband.

I assume this means Virginians can still wear their traditional daisy-dukes, cut-off short-shorts and cheerleader outfits, and otherwise show off their underwear below the waistband. I also assume they can still rip the seats of their jeans (if that fashion hasn’t passed by now) or forgo undies altogether.

Finally, will rural Virginians have to button their overalls up the sides? If so expect some backlash.

I’ve always felt a little awkward buying lingerie for my partners. I’m a huge fan of the white cotton tank-top and bikini panties look in the first place. I’ve had very few partners who wore anything else in the second place. And a lot of the stuff I’ve looked at when I have tried shopping for it has been, well, scratchy. Finally, before I settled down I was always dead broke, my partners and potential partners were generally equally broke, and any extra money we could scrape up we usually spent on outdoor gear. Or rent.

I’ve really only had two partners who didn’t really fit that mold. One loved to combine pantyhose and cotton t-shirts which was all well and good but not suitable for gift ensembles. The other, who really got a charge out of wearing lingerie, was disappointed that I didn’t respond the same way she did to body stockings under full-tilt merry-widow corset thingies. (She reasonably pointed out that without the body stockings they were too scratchy.)

Yes, I’m aware that there are more choices in the world than Fredricks and VC. Yes I’m aware that there are more choices than watered silk and polyester. And yes, I have managed to pick out a couple of lovely, well-appreciated top and bottom sets. (The sales clerks at the local Anthropology were very kind.) But I really haven’t had enough experience to select either size or style with any confidence.

Enter Dilemmas of a Virgin Slut’s delightful lingerie-as-gift guide.

She breaks her recommendations out into three levels of buyer sophistication. For instance if you’re a beginner avoid buying bras unless you’re really sure of her size. If you’ve got bras wired go for matched sets rather than mixing tops and bottoms from different designers. If you really know what you’re doing and what your partner likes, she has links to good online shopping sites.

I particularly appreciate the variety of style issues she gets into, from skin colors to personality and body types.

The best thing about her buying guide is she points out that Victoria’s Secrets is good mainly for ogling the models. I’d say that’s about right. Maybe not even be that. Despite the hype their stuff all seems not so much inauthentically sexy as anxiously chaste. You don’t have to wear a body stocking under them because the linings are all soft enough to wear all day… at the office. The outer sides retain that keep-your-distance scratchiness.

The great thing about getting a late start blogging, and about habitually reading other other blogs from first post to last, is you get to revive brilliant old posts.

For example last October DemonQueen laid out a wonderful refresher course called Intimacy Tips.

If you didn’t know any of this, stop now. Go there. If you do know it still wouldn’t hurt to review. As Will Rogers said, it’s not the stuff folks don’t know that bothers me, it’s the stuff they know that just ain’t true.

One last thing. Yes, it’s a list. No, it’s not a checklist!

(via Virgin-slut)

It’s probably a good thing that cum doesn’t taste as good as icing… I’d get awfully sore spending so much time on my knees…

Link: ThatGirl

Yeah, I wonder about the taste of semen too. Most people don’t seem to care for it. It doesn’t taste that great (based on kissing partners after fellatio) but a lot of things taste worse. Stout beer. Oysters. Sea urchin eggs. Other people love those so I suppose you learn to enjoy semen the same way, especially if you had positive associations with the experience.

Still, you gotta wonder what the reproductive consequences would be if the flavor was irresistable. That doesn’t appear to be a problem though — most people describe it as bland, bitter, salty, metallic, or even reminicent of chlorine (swimming pools?) or chlorine bleach.

The irony, of course, that from a chemical-analysis standpoint anyway, semen is mostly sugar (fructose) and water. Sperm is less than 1%. Protein and fat content is quite low.

Other components, according to Columbia University’s GoAskAlice.come are – Fructose sugar – Water – Ascorbic acid (a.k.a., vitamin C) – Citric acid – Enzymes – Protein – Phosphate and bicarbonate buffers (bases) – Zinc

Oh yeah, calorie-wise the range goes from three to seven calories per teaspoon. (For reference a teaspoon of white sugar is only 18 calories.) So yeah, pretty sweet on paper maybe but probably not sweet enough to cover up the mineral flavors of zinc, phosphates, citric and ascorbic acid.

A website called DontSpitSwallow has a list of 100 suggestions collected from various sources, mostly readers. Some are pretty good. Others not so hot. Tere’s the list and a reference to the original site at sxxxy.com.

Boiled down into categories the main ideas seem to be:

• What men eat, drink and/or smoke affects the taste. If you want your partner to swallow, adjust your diet appropriately.
• If you move the tip of his penis to the back of your mouth or into your throat, and swallow as he ejaculates, you often won’t taste anything at all.
• There are lots of things you can eat or drink before, during, or after fellatio that mitigate the taste and/or consistency.
• Non-sugar sweeteners like stevia and sucralose, something called "enteric peppermit supplements," and something called Semenex may also make a big difference in the flavor.
• A lot of women seem to imagine that semen isn’t a very big deal either in taste, consistency, or quantity, compared to their partner’s exposure to vaginal juices during cunnilingus. (Proving that bias against tasting yourself goes both ways, I guess.)
• Like oysters, asparagus, hops in beer, or sour cream, semen is an acquired taste. (Probably not what my mom had in mind when she’d tell us to take three girl-scout bites when she introduced a new dish.)

I’ve been digging through sex blogs for the last few weeks and it seems like a fairly high percentage of women bloggers have a soft spot for bondage and/or discipline. Many have no partner on the horizon. Others have partners who aren’t interested in, say, spanking.

A recurring theme, though, is the things people do to themselves to get the same edge. Trying self-fisting, for instance, or flogging themselves, or experimenting with increasingly intense nipple clamps.

It’s unlikely that an equal percentage of women are secretly waiting for someone to nail them with a hairbrush. It’s also manifestly clear the women who do aren’t interested in men who might smack them around just any old time — outside the context of sex most have firmly modern boundaries. It does suggest there’s a lot of unmet demand, and maybe anonymous blogging is just a good way to vent one’s frustrations.

I can think of dozens of reasons for that frustration — thinking back I’ve surely missed very obvious hints from at least one former partner, and ducked out on at least one other I thought was just getting a little "intense." Mickey Spillane novels notwithstanding I don’t think many men enjoy hitting women in the first place, and the social and legal climate only reinforce that.

So. If you’re into BDSM, and you don’t have a willing and/or safe partner to play with, how do you play by yourself?