Anastasia of Sexualit&eacu; has a very cool story up. It’s got a couple of great twists and turns but I can’t say much more about it without giving it away. I did find it philosophically satisfying. That and the sex is hot too. :-) Anyway, check out The Art of War.

Boy, I don’t know what reminded me of this, maybe my previous post about breasts or maybe it’s because I’m feeling a bit mildewed from all this rain. Anyway, once I was sitting at the kitchen table with one of my roommate’s sisters who was visiting. We were hulling and slicing strawberries for jam and some how or other (there wasn’t any berry juice on her chin or anything) I wound up licking her jaw line. And then her neck. And all the remaining available skin outside her cotton knit shirt with about a million tiny buttons down the front.

After a bit she unbuttoned her top button, giving me maybe three quarters of an inch more skin to lick. She or I would unbutton another button about every minute so and it took about ten minutes to get to the tops of her nipples and maybe another two to uncover them completely, then another ten after that to get to the bottoms of her breasts. (I don’t know if we ever made it to her navel.)

We weren’t lovers or anything and we didn’t go much further than that, but it was wonderfully sensual in a goofy sort of way to be lapping this unfamiliar girl’s torso in a hot sunny kitchen while everyone else we knew was at work.

Anyway, it’s almost Groundhog’s Day, celebrated in northern climates as the time you begin to notice the sun’s returning. (In other words around here there’s some actual daylight at 8:00 in the morning and after 5:00 at night.) Knowing summer will return with it’s berries and light shirts with tiny buttons gives me the little boost I need to appreciate how beautiful this time of year can be, with it’s austere trees and layered clouds and the muted, almost subliminal, but genuinely glorious colors in the sky, the earth, and ready-to-bud branches. Snowdrops are already up. It won’t be long. I won’t really miss it all when it’s gone but I’m going to enjoy it while it’s here.

Amanda Marcott of Pandagon has run across a quick test for identifying the half of the population that is, by definition, below average.

Fine, I’ll just open a nunnery for comedians then

The Independent has an article out about a study done on what straight men and women find attractive in the opposite sex and found over half the men found wittiness to be a drawback in a woman. Luckily for me, these findings dovetail neatly with my preferences, because I find men who won’t laugh at my jokes to be strikingly unattractive as well.

[I’ve nicked her entire post (it was short) but you can check out the rest of her sharp-witted political and social-commentary blog here. —fl]

Here are some choice nuggets from the article itself.

Men see being funny as a male thing,” explained Dr Rod Martin, who led the project. The findings are published in the scientific journal Evolution and Human Behaviour this week.

...

“When forced to choose between humour production and humour appreciation in potential partners, women valued humour production, whereas men valued receptivity to their own humour,” said Dr Martin.

See the whole article here.

Normal caveats apply: we have to wait for the actual study to be released before we can find out whether and how much the article misrepresents the actual study. And the notion that many men are intimidated by intelligent or funny women is referenced frequently (by Maureen Dowd if no one else) so even if the story’s straight the news itself isn’t exactly earth-shattering. Still of all the insecurities for men to manefest this one seems especially lame!

I’m going to attempt an adult observation about an allegedly infantile interest.

My mom was one of the few college-educated women of her generation to nurse her children. She nursed each of my younger siblings and me for at least a year. When we were very small kids my parents were moderately casual about nudity. So in classic terms there’s no real excuse for my infantile fascination with women*s breasts but I think they’re great.

Perhaps instead I was nursed too long. Whatever the reason I think women’s breasts are very sexy though in more of a sensual erotic way rather than a honney-lemmie-layya kind of way. Breasts make me serene and happy. It’s not a matter of size, not at all, at all. Beautiful breasts come in all sizes and all kinds of shapes.

I have a fantasy of going to the doctors for an EEG and while I’m on the table the technician, wearing a thin blouse, leans over me while she untangles the leads. Why? Because I’m a peeping tom? Well that too but really because I wonder if there are any changes in my alpha waves. I’m really not joking. I’d really like to know.

Even though it makes me a nerd I’d really like to know.

Okaaay… According to a recent article in the Daily Telegraph...

Furry underwear ‘too sexy’

Authorities in Uzbekistan have banned fur-lined underwear after deeming it too sexy.

Sales of furry underwear have soared after temperature in the region fell below minus 20C.

But the government has now banned the lingerie saying they want to protect citizens from “unbridled fantasies” caused by wearing the soft fabric.

A textile company which makes the underwear for men and women has protested at the decision.

I’ve seen this news snippet referenced several times, quoted in full but never orginally sourced. Or dated. So is it true? I don’t know. Could be, you know, since Uzbekistan has a pretty, um, capricious dictatorship. On the other hand the country has become a bit of a butt of the joke on late-night comedy shows. On the other hand if I’m not mistaken the place is cold as the dickens so I’d have imagined fur-lined pretty much everything would come in handy. Anyway, if it’s true (and it certainly could be) then I just sort of wonder if there isn’t more to the story.

But that’s not exactly why I bring this up. I’m just curious if anyone out there south of Fairbanks would want fur-lined (or fake-fur-lined for people like me to don’t care for animal fur) underwear. And if so whether you’d want it because you thought it was sexy.

I remember one of my first partner’s mom had a pair of fur mittens and we made very nice use of those, and sable paintbrushes, peacock feathers, and a number of other surreally sensual objects. That was pretty cool. But fur-lined underwear? I’ll stick with cotton or silk.

From my Kitchen Shorts set on Flickr

[Disclaimer: I don’t have any personal interest in Uzbekistan. I’ve never been there, I have no family from there, and as far as I know I don’t know anyone from there either. It just seems like one of those stories that gets passed along unquestioned because they’re too good to check. So I thought I’d question it. —fl]

Boys peak at 16. Women peak at 32. Everybody’‘s heard that. Last week at least three people mentioned that in posts. But where does that come from? And what does it even mean anyway?

More orgasms? Well, at 16 I could certainly ejaculate all over the place… I think one day I masturbated 22 times in 24 hours, though often things were over pretty quickly. Did it mean I could screw longer? Not really, I didn’t really get into great aerobic condition till my 30s. Did it mean I could screw longer? Not really, my real marathon years were 18 and 19 and then between 26 and 30 when I had partners who really never wanted to stop and, again, kept me in shape. Did it mean I could screw better? No, though I don’t get nearly enough practice these days I’m still perfectly able to do the kind of mechanical humping and pumping I did when I lost my virginity late in my 16th year it wasn’t till I was in my 30s that I really figured out what else makes someone just as happy to hump and pump me back. Does it mean I thought about sex more then than now? Very hard to imagine unless they make more hours in the day.

As for women peaking at 32, all I can say is… the partners that suffered through or celebrated my various peaks, the multiply orgasmic ones, the ones I had marathon sex with, the ones who would (and could) revive me for a second, or third, or fourth, or (yikes!) fifth orgasm in a night, and now the ones who’s blog posts leave me lying awake at night fantasizing about travel routes and armless rocking chairs have all tended to be roughly my age.

The ones in their teens and twenties tended to fret about how they’d manage their peaks at 32. The ones older than that have tended to question whether their peaks will ever dwindle. The 32-year-olds, meanwhile, have been no less, but also no more enthusiastic than their older or younger peers.

So what’s the deal? Who came up with 16 and 32? What metrics were they using? What assumptions were they making?

I’m willing to believe it, but I don’t even know what the source is.

I’m certainly not willing to repeat it.

So! What about you? Has it all been down hill since 16? Was it all uphill till 32 and downhill since?

They wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. Right? :-)

‘Member how the pro photographer made Magdelena feel all warm and comfortable about posing by detailing how he was going to have to work around all her flaws? Just so you know, here’s part of the process of assessing someone’s flaws so they can look… (I’ve added a bit of emphasis)

Before you begin to work, study your model and decide on the strenghts and weaknesses you intend to show off or disguise. You want to portray the ideal, but you are very unlikely to find a model who is perfect in every respect. Some of the features to look out for are [listed in the book.] Good skin and ahir are particularly important. In general models should be slender — the camera always exaggerates the proportions and slim thighs and waist look best. Above all, it is the model’s ability to look natural that counts.

The author and the book shall remain anonymous. Just remember that while you want to portray the ideal you’re going to have to be deceptive. Great!

For a bit more of the same, from Veronica’s Do it yourself Glamour Photography a site that’s actually pretty sympathetic, here are some nuts and bolts suggestions:

Poses to Correct Face or Figure Problems

The following poses are grouped according to the face or figure problems that are hidden or minimized. All models have face or figure problems of various degrees so this list of poses should be useful in most situations. Keep in mind that you can also make up your own poses: this is by no means an exhaustive list.

Face

In general, the model should not cover parts of her face with her hands. Keep the neck relaxed and if the model is leaning toward the camera, have her lean from the waist.

Wrinkles or Poor Complexion – light the face evenly with soft diffused light and have the camera on the same level as the model’s face. She should face directly into the camera. One method popular with fashion photographers is to seat the model at a table, place a white card flat on the table and bounce light off the card upward on the model’s face. This lightens the underside ofthe nose, lips and eyes. If you’re shooting with black-and-white film, reddish discolorations (acne, pimples etc.) can be subdued with a red filter over the lens.

Prominant Nose – photograph the model straight on with your camera slightly above the model’s eye level. Use soft lighting to reduce shadows around the nose.

Double Chin – the model should tilt her head slightly downward and the camera should be above the model’s eye level. Also try a pose with the model resting her chin on her hand (she can also hold a hat or flower) The model should NOT put any weight on her hand since this would distort the face. When posing like this keep the thumb side of the hand AWAY from the camera; the little finger side of the hand should be toward the camera. Lingerie with a high collar or a towel can be put around the neck to hide a double chin. In some cases tilting the head back and putting the neck under tension will help. Finally, if you are shooting a profile of the model’s body, have her turn her head toward the camera. Use her forward shoulder to hide her chin. If she has long hair, bring some down across her face in front of her chin.

Strong Chin – keep the chin straight on to the camera or have the model tilt her head down slightly.

Wide Face – photograph the model with the face at a three-quarters view (slightly turned away from the camera). You can also increase the lighting contrast and allow the side of the face away from the camera to become darker. If the model has long hair, try bringing some around in front to cover part of the face.

Narrow Face – have the model tilt her head forward and shoot from above eye level. the face should be lighted evenly without shadow. Shadows can cause a narrow face to look gaunt.

Small Mouth or Thin Lips – have the model open her mouth slightly. This is one case in which the hands may be used in front of the face. Have the model put her finger on her lip or her hand across her mouth (as though she is giggling). This will help to hide a small mouth.

Poor Teeth – instead of smiling, have the model open her mouth SLIGHTLY, just enough to show the smallest amount of teeth. Try smiling with the mouth closed.

Arms and Hands

Don’t photograph the model with her armpit turned toward the camera or with one arm too near the camera. An arm too near the camera can cause it to look large in relation the the rest of the body. The model should keep her fingers extended and together (it looks more graceful), with the side of the hand toward the camera.

Sagging Upper Arms – try draping a piece of material across the shoulders and down over the upper arms. A shirt open at the front and down in the back will also hide the upper arms.

Unattractive Hands – hold hands under a piece of chiffon (see-through) material. Remove jewelery which can attract attention to the hands. Long gloves can also disguise hands while giving an elegant appearance.

Breasts

Large or Sagging Breasts – support the breasts with folded arms or a cushion or pillow held under them. The hands and arms can be raised over the head to raise a large bust line. An open mesh top or teddy can help support the beasts while still showing them off. The model can also use her hands to support the breasts. If the model is in a seated or reclining position, she should try squeezing her arms together. Finally, she can lean over so that the breasts hang downward at a pleasing angle.

Small Breasts – try making the lighting slightly contrasty, overhead and to one side. Also, have the model squeeze her arms together to force a bit of cleavage.

Uneven Breasts – pose the model in a three-quarters position (slightly away from the camera) and hide one breast with a scarf or shawl draped over one shoulder.

If you encounter any real problems with breasts, try draping a see-through piece of fabric over the model’s chest. Backlight or frontlight to give definition to the body without showing detail. You might need to experiment with this technique a little to achieve the proper lighting and fabric placement.

Stomach

Protruding Stomach – try holding a pillow or a piece of lingerie in front of the stomach. If the model bends (arches) backwards, it will sometimes correct a slightly protruding stomach by putting the abdominal muscles under tension. Sometimes lying on the back will solve the problem (try a pillow or cushion under the small of the back for this pose). Try pulling a towel or blanket tightly around the body at waist level to keep body fat under control.

Stomach Scars – drape a piece of see-through material over any scar area. This will help to diffuse the light and hide the scar.

Legs and Hips

Have the model angle her legs and hips away from the camera. To add interest to the pose, one leg should be bent at the knee. A small box can be used under one foot to raise it.

Heavy Legs or Thighs – try wrapping a towel or piece of lingerie around the waist and let it drape over the thighs. For a seated pose, cover the thighs with a cushion or pillow. In cases where the thighs cannot be covered, have the model cross one leg over in front of the other. In lying down poses, shoot the model at a low angle from her head looking toward her feet. The low angle makes tha waist, thighs and legs smaller in comparison to the upper body.

Buttocks

Sagging Buttocks – try draping with a scarf or lingerie. The model can also use her hands to shape and raise her buttocks. In a seated position, use a cushion or pillow to hide any sagging.

Discolored or Pockmarked Buttocks – drape with sheer fabric from the waist and back or side light. This will allow the shape to show through but not the color or texture. Experiment a bit with this method to achieve the proper effect. If only slightly discolored or pockmarked, use soft light and try using a warm filter over the camera lens (light amber or orange)

Body

Too Heavy – determine which part of the body is best. Wrap body in sheer fabric and expose the part that you or the model considers the best.

Too Thin – pose the model in a “folded-up” postion (i.e. legs drawn up, arms folded, head down on knees) and shoot close in. The idea is to downplay the thinness by reducing the space around the model.

Consider other possiblities also. For example, if the model has a good face with dark hair and good features, try overexposing the photo with slight diffusion over the lens. This technique will help to eliminate uneven skin colors. Also bright backlighting on the figure with light mainly on the face. This has the effect of preserving a good figure but subduing detail.

—-

Tips for Male Models

Males can be photographed in more directional, contrasty lighting to show off muscles. When you use directional light you will most likely need to pose a bit more carefully since even a slight change in position can alter how the light plays across the skin and muscles. You may need to use a bit of talc powder on the skin to cut any shine and prevent glare. Look in body building magazines for examples of this type of lighting. As with women, you can hide unphotogenic areas with carefully placed clothing. Try using sports equipment, weights, tools etc. as props. Rough surfaces such as tree bark, stone and concrete make excellent backdrops for the male figure. Haircuts should be done a day or two before you shoot so that it has time to lose that “just cut” look.

Want to make your penis look larger? Of course you do, it can never be too large, can it? Try shaving the pubic hair directly above the shaft and carefully trimming the rest (of the pubic hair, that is). This will make you appear slightly larger in the photos.

If you’re shooting photos with a female partner, have her hold your penis; women usually have smaller hands than men and you’ll look larger. BTW A trick to use when you have trouble finding a female to do a shoot with is find a female willing to provide a hand only. Have her wear a latex glove covered with lace glove (you can get black or white lace gloves at most bridal shops fairly cheaply). It looks good and only her gloved hand need appear in the photo.

Another method, used years ago when censorship laws prevented showing erections, is to pull the erect penis into its normal flaccid position making it appear larger. You tie a thin, flesh-colored thread or string just behind the head of the penis and run the string between your legs. Get an erection, how you do that is up to you, then pull on the string until your erect penis assumes its non-erect position. In the photograph it will look like you have a very large, flaccid penis. The only downside to this is that if you want to shoot some photos with an obvious erection, it won’t look like it gets very large compared to your normal size.

Need a “cum” shot? Try using egg whites as a substitute if you run out of the real thing.

Read the whole article here.

The point being that we tend to compare ourselves not to real people but to photographs. If we recognize the contrivances then our comparisons can be fair. If not, then once again we’re setting ourselves up for failure. And since we’re talking about our images of ourselves, failure isn’t a very useful starting point.

Reminder: When taking our own photos we can take advantage of these same tips.

Consider the following two photos, one of which uses lots of tricks, the other… uses a lot of tricks too but in reverse to make everything look not good but, well, pretty awful.

In a way these photos are awfully similar. Just a little shift of my hips, a small change in my shoulders, exhaling all the way instead of inhaling, catching a lot of shadows from the light overhead instead of relying on light from the side. Letting the curves of my arm exaggerate the stoop of my chest vs letting the angle of books in the background exaggerate the narrowness of my waist. The cold background of bathroom tile vs. the warmth of books and furniture.

Neither photograph is really telling the truth. In real life I look like neither sharp and dapper nor stoop-shouldered and dumpy. Instead I look normal. Not glamourous but darn nice. And so do you.

So the other day I went skiing with my family. (Snowboarding, actually, my second day of lessons — pretty humiliating all in all though it was very nice of my six-year-old who’s been skiing for less than a week to offer to stay with me and “give you a push when you need one, Daddy.” Sure enough she did a couple of times, and sure enough it helped!)

Anyway, the shuttles to the parking lot are these open, hay-wagon style trailers with bleachers built into them. As we took off it reminded me of riding on a float in a parade so I said “ok, everybody, let’s do the Queen Elizabeth wave.” People thought it was pretty funny so there were 20-25 perfect strangers all trying to remember if you’re supposed to wave in tiny circles from your elbow or just your wrist. Then we started yakking about other beauty-pageant tricks like Vaseline on your gums so your face won’t cramp from smiling, and duct tape to keep your butt looking tight, and double-sided tape to keep your top on, and, and, and… (see here for plenty of other common “beauty” tips.)

And I was sitting there thinking “crikies, if you’re trying to look beautiful you have to put Vaseline in your mouth and duct tape on your ass? And spray your hair till it crackles if you turn your head too fast. And enough foundation to grow potatoes. And, and, and… all that to look “sexy,” I was thinking, but who on earth is going to want to have sex with you then?

It reminded me of something the perfectly presentable Magdelena mentioned in a post a couple of weeks ago

This stood in stark contrast to an experience in my early 20’s. Then I’d posed for a top pornographic photographer. Prior to the session, he gave me the once over and then rolled off a list of my faults to be corrected by clever camera work. I wanted to cry instead I posed stiffly, awkwardly.

So now what? Vaseline, spray adhesive, clever camera angles, clothes too tight to inhale in? All so you can look sexy? Cool! Good to know! Chances are very, very good that if you did all that you’d “finally” look “sexy” too. Too bad none of that works where it matters, because the more you do to look sexy the less you can be sexy. And you know what? You already look fine. In fact…

I like everyday sexy best. Leave the duct tape, waving in tiny circles, and pretence to the poor creatures on the parade floats.

Happy HNT!

[Here’s what I did last summer on the day of the parade. —fl]

Update: Just to be clear, I’m NOT endorsing the whole duct tape and vacuform approach to sexiness. I’m questioning how the hell we got the idea that these bizarre, can’t-be-achieved-without-duct-tape fabrications came to be the can’t-be-achieved-without-duct-tape standards we judge our own soft, warm, lickable, movable selves against. I’m just trying to point out how crazy we all are (me, you, everyone we know) to believe we’re inadequate for not looking like a lie. Just so you know. (Sorry if I got so sidetracked on the gruesome details of how those lies are constructed that my point was lost.)

Via We Talk Sex Blog here’s a silly story about domestic partnerships. This one’s about the University of Florida trying to get their employees to affirm that they’ve had sex with their domestic partners in the last 12 months in order to be eligible for coverage.

It raises a bunch of sticky issues (ok, in this case non-sticky issues.) First of all it differentiates unmarried couples from married ones since some measurable fraction of long-term couples can go for years without having sex yet the married ones will automatically be eligible anyway. It also kind of leaves the hormonally impaired, the infirm, (some of) the elderly, the impotent, the sexually traumatized, and the asexual in the lurch.

Read about it here.

UF Requirement For Partner Benefits: You Must Have Sex!
University of Florida employees have to pledge that they’re having sex with their domestic partners before qualifying for benefits under a new health care plan at the university.

The partners of homosexual and heterosexual employees are eligible for coverage under UF’s plan, which will take effect in February. The enrollment process began this month, and some employees have expressed concern about an affidavit that requires a pledge of sexual activity.

Fielding questions about the pledge at a Faculty Senate meeting Thursday, UF’s vice president of human resources said he’s heard concerns about the affidavit, though overall feedback about the plan has been positive.

“I would say 95 percent of the affidavit is fine,” Kyle Cavanaugh said in an interview after the meeting.

In addition to declaring joint financial obligations, prospective enrollees must “have been in a non-platonic relationship for the preceding 12 months,” according to the affidavit.

Marylou Behnke, a UF senator, told Cavanaugh she found the requirement “offensive.”

Oh this is just silly but the foolish tune is stuck in my head.

Answering Julie of What’s your pleasure?, who asked everyone how they masturbate, the words

“you put your right hand in
you pull your right hand out
you put your right hand in
and you shake it all about
you do the hanky-panky and
you shake your hand about
that’s what it’s all about”

Sigh. Hanky-panky, hokey-pokey, whatever. I might have spent more time at the rink if I didn’t hate that song so much. On the other hand it’s not like I didn’t find other kinds of recreation when I stayed home.

There’s a theory that the only way to get rid of a song that’s stuck in your head is to start humming another one that’s worse. What can you do when you get the worst song stuck in your head? Sing it to someone else. Apologies to all, but I’m desperate.

[To compensate I’ve found some illustrations. Check “read more,” below. —fl]