Monthly archive June 2008

25 Words or Less (Guest Edition)

Mon, 2008-06-30 22:01

[Note: I’m on vacation in what may be very limited internet service so this is a pre-recorded and (I very much hope!) a self-publishing post. I may not have much opportunity to reply to comments but you’re comments are still very welcome. I’ll reply as soon as I can. You’re some of the best commenters in the blogsphere so you’re always welcome to respond spiritedly but respectfully to each other’s comments while I’m away. —fl]

Things I love about boxer shorts:
Useless fly
That lets in curious fingers.
Wide legs
Wide enough for an exploring hand.
But mostly,
You underneath!

(25 words)

[A regular commenter, P. Burke, left this 25-word post after my 25-Words-or-Less meditation on women’s underwear. She says she’s pretty much on hiatus with her blog and agreed to let me post it here instead. —fl]

So How Did Abe Lincoln Wind Up With Younger Siblings?

Sat, 2008-06-28 18:56


Photo by Flickr user rexheer. Used under a Creative Commons license.

[Note: I’m on vacation in what may be is very limited internet service so this is a pre-recorded and (I very much hope!) a self-publishing post. I may not have won’t have much opportunity to reply to comments but you’re comments are still very welcome. I’ll reply as soon as I can. You’re some of the best commenters in the blogsphere so you’re always welcome to respond spiritedly but respectfully to each other’s comments while I’m away. —fl]

So I’m starting to wonder how much of modern Western sexual progress has coincided with modern Western “bourgeoise” trends in housing. We’re staying in a little summer-use ski condominium/time-share thingie that was arranged for us by friends. Unbeknownst to us it’s a seriously one-room plus bathroom affair. That’s fine as far as it goes, and it’s a perfectly pleasant place, but while there’s enough room for an adult and two children once you fold up the hide-a-bed couch there just isn’t any privacy at all!

And I’m still being spoiled! We have only two children. The room is still quite a bit bigger than a lot of much larger and much more affluent families have in Japan to name just one other country. Neither nor both of our parents, nor any of our brothers or sisters live here either, as is often the case in, say, Moscow. And still being spoiled because even when I was very poor (nutritional-deficience poor, sleeping under interstate overpass or culvert poor, hitch-hiked from somewhere-on-the-Hudson New York to Philadelphia and back in a day because I couldn’t afford a long-distance call for a correct address poor) I at least had the privacy of being on someone’s couch, or porch, or back yard while they were in their bedrooms.

The idea, though, of ever being able to play a real adult disclosure/conversation-starter sex game with a partner is out of the question, however, even with all this one-room room. For that matter (at least to my sensibilities) sex of any sort is out of the question unless we sent the children off to the little rec center (oops, at least one parent must accompany…) or playground (oops, at least one parent must…) or… or…

I don’t know how people do it. Which isn’t, incidentally, a judgment call of any sort. I just, literally, don’t know how it’s done. If you know from first, second, or third-hand I’d love to hear it.

The first thing I can think of would be long showers together. What about you?

On Vacation

Fri, 2008-06-27 11:14

I’m off on vacation for nearly two weeks in northern Idaho and southeast British Columbia. The former has lots of clothing-optional lakes, rivers, and streams. Idaho? Not so much. And as usual for places I seem to vacation connectivity promises to be unpromising. I’ve left a few posts for publication later on just in case but I should be able to connect at least once a day. Possibly by dial-up only.

I may not have much opportunity to reply to comments but you’re comments are still very welcome. I’ll reply as soon as I can. You’re some of the best commenters in the blogsphere so you’re always welcome to respond spiritedly but respectfully to each other’s comments while I’m away.

While I’m out I’ll be reading Umberto Eco’s On Ugliness and History of Beauty, and Jessica Valenti’s He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know, plus, as usual, anything else I can get my hands on.

See you sooner or see you later but one way or another I’ll look forward to seeing all of you.

10. Bite or Suck

Thu, 2008-06-26 23:47


Photo by Flickr user tapperboy. Used under a Creative Commons license.

Still following up on the twenty questions I found at Amorous Rocker of Not Your Average Chick that I decided to answer one at a time instead of all in a rush. So…

10. Bite or Suck:

Usually when someone says “bite me” they’re being… well, non-gender specific, maybe but still not exactly polite. On the other hand they also say “you suck” so I guess that’s a wash. Which is sort of a nuisance since both can feel wonderful under the right circumstances.

When I was very young and learning about sex from a variety of pre-1960 and therefore not terribly helpful medical, anthropological, and psychological texts (with the occasional almost-a-stroke-book pseudo-academic works thrown in) I learned the following about the Kama Sutra: “The book contains five chapters about what we’d consider “normal” foreplay and sixteen chapters about biting, scratching, and slapping one’s partners for erotic effect.” And yes, I’m sure I have the exact numbers wrong but not the approximate proportions. It didn’t sound very tempting** and so I generally left off all that.

My loss, as I’ve learned since beginning to read other anonymous and then not as anonymous bloggers of kink.

Still, given a choice between the two I’d choose suck. And lick. And kiss. And mouth. And breathe warm breath across spots tender and mild. The latter, by the way, seems to work as well on recently spanked, bitten, or scratched spots as not… but not in my case if I’d agreed to pick only one. :-)

And again that’s given my choice of one. A choice I’d rather not make.

I haven’t been bitten much but if it’s not oversharing once you arouse me to a certain point I adore having my nipples bitten. But then at that point I adore having them sucked as well. You hear every now and then people praising little nips during fellatio. My experience has been that it’s… not so great. The side of my neck works well and so does the very top inside of my thighs. And while I’ve really enjoyed being bitten on the arms and shoulders it wasn’t the sensation itself but the shared level of emotion, combined with a willingness to sacrifice a little comfort in the interest of not alerting parents.

Sucking though? I love, love, love fingers and toes. When I suck yours. When you suck mine. Not hard so much as warmly, wetly, and deepy… mmm, that’s lovely almost any time. Earlobes? Yours or mine it’s also wonderful. The inside of arms, yes, and all up and down the throat and shoulders and neck, too.

Breasts? I actually don’t go in so much for sucking, or at least not the classic baby-nursing style though it’s a lot of fun to slurp as much of your nipples and breasts as I can with a gentle suction and then swirling my tongue around and around. And around. But I love licking breasts even without suction at least as much. I don’t know about you but I’ve noticed most people I’ve tried it with go deeper into haze when I kiss, or lick, or stroke the curves of the breast just below and to the outside rather than right over nipples. And, as I mentioned above, there’s blowing gently over wet flesh first to chill it and then re-warm it again with hands or lips or tongue.

And speaking of lips and tongue, does anyone else enjoy licking and sucking their partner’s lips during kissing? Gently biting there works wonders too, or would if not for that darn choice. It’s always the lower lip that gets the mention for sucking but I’ve noticed the inside of most people’s upper lip is a marvelous erogenous zone for that.

And of course there’s all the different non-bite-y things one can do during cunnilingus. I used to think that eating a partner was end-of-the-world, I-could-die-happy paradise, and while I’ve gotten over that a little in the sense that I’m no longer outright fetishistic about it I still… mmm… what was I saying? Oh yeah, something I’ve wound up doing especially during side-by-side (as opposed to top or bottom) sixty-nine, you know, where you’re each pillowing the other’s head on your thigh, is gently slurping… ok I mean sucking an inner labia deep into my mouth and then swirling the flat of my tongue across the inner surface. Like maybe a lot of people I can get pretty distracted during sixty-nine but doing that doesn’t take a lot of concentration. The only risk is that it tends to really distract the other person.

As for me? Well, fellatio tends to work in waves for me (I think this is true for a lot of people during oral, men and women) so one minute every nerve ending is on fire and a minute later I feel almost numb… although fortunately after another minute it’s back to… where was I again? Anyway, when I’m cycled down it’s wonderful when you pop me out of your mouth and tongue or slurp on the large, loose, soft vein along the side. You’re not going exactly lose my attention no matter what but that’s definitely going to keep it till my tide comes in again.

Anyway, I’m not going to say of biting that I could take it or leave it — there are too many nice ways to do it to give it up completely. But sucking? I’ll take that in a heartbeat. And give it just as quickly. Any time.

How about you?

*Who* Exactly Is "Asking For It"

Thu, 2008-06-26 22:50

[Note: I’m on vacation in what may be very limited internet service so this is a pre-recorded and (I very much hope!) a self-publishing post. I may not have much opportunity to reply to comments but you’re comments are still very welcome. I’ll reply as soon as I can. You’re some of the best commenters in the blogsphere so you’re always welcome to respond spiritedly but respectfully to each other’s comments while I’m away. —fl]

I spend most of my time talking about the descriptive elements of the dominant “no-sex” class paradigm: men’s irrational but persistent conviction that women are “fair game” for leverage for sex because they have no authentic sexual agency and thus no interest in sex independent of those who seek to “get” sex from them. But there’s another side, a prescriptive side where various personal, social, and legal punishments are designated for women who fail to meet the class expectations created for them.

Case in point? Laura Woodhouse of The F-Word Blog

Yup, once again the onus is being placed on women to prevent rape, with men entirely absent from the equation, this time in the Malaysian city of Kota Bharu:

Authorities in Kota Bharu have distributed pamphlets recommending that Muslim women do not wear heavy makeup and loud shoes when they go out to work in restaurants or other public places. [...] The goal of the modesty drive was to prevent rape and safeguard the women’s dignity, said a spokesman.

Policing women’s appearance and pre-emptively blaming them for rape in one fell swoop? Ten patriarchy points for you, sir.

Read the quote in context here.

I think looking at these declarations as warnings against rape is missing the point. I think instead they serve the functional purpose of authorizing rape as a tool of punishment for transgressors.

So I’m afraid that while Feministe is possessed perhaps of more generous expectations when she says of the same municipal circular

If the Kota Bura Municipal Council is actually interested in preventing rape, perhaps they should focus on the rapists.

Read this quote in context here.

I’m afraid the Council really isn’t interested in preventing rape, they’re interested in using and encouraging it as a form of social control of women.

And I think, by the way, that this is a very big deal. When wretched jerks say of an assault victim “well, she was asking for it” I suspect what they mean is “we were asking for it.” Time to start calling them on it.

%#)!*&$

Real Adult Game

Thu, 2008-06-26 22:40

[Note: I’m on vacation in what may be very limited internet service so this is a pre-recorded and (I very much hope!) a self-publishing post. I may not have much opportunity to reply to comments but you’re comments are still very welcome. I’ll reply as soon as I can. You’re some of the best commenters in the blogsphere so you’re always welcome to respond spiritedly but respectfully to each other’s comments while I’m away. —fl]

Red of The Red Sneaker Diaries reviewed an (almost — turns out you’ve got to be hetero) very-cool sounding sex game that doesn’t just facilitate sex, it facilitates exploration and communication about interest, boundaries, and adventurousness.

Sex Is Fun comes as an unassuming deck of cards. The cards divide into twelve piles — six for the guy, six for the girl (yes, that is the one negative to this game — it’s for a heterosexual couple — no two ways about it). The piles are all different topics: “Pillow Talk”, “Touch Test”, “Oral Action”, “Sex Play”, “Kinky Action”, “Act It Out”. Game paly is very simple. The first to go picks a card and acts on it, then the other player reacts, and a point is assigned based on the outcome. The preverbal ante can be upped by playing an “I Dare You” or “Prove It!” card, upping the number of points on the line. At the end of the game, most points wins. Simple really. I’ve said it before, simple is sexy.

Read the quote, and find links to the game vendor’s site, here.

The solution, it seems to me, isn’t so much to lament it’s heterocentrism as to encourage them to develop sequels and/or extensions. (Hey, it works for games for children such as Killer Bunny and

Acting One's Age

Thu, 2008-06-26 22:07


Image from Comstock Films.

Tony and Peggy Comstock of Comstock Films may not catch as much unnecessary grief for producing Bill and Desiree: Love is Timeless as he did for Ashley & Kisha: Finding the Right Fit or Damon & Hunter: Doing it Together but in a lot of ways what he’s doing is way more radically “transgressive” of social norms.

Contrary to popular belief sex doesn’t stop at 25. Nor does it stop being beautiful. And since most of us live for the better part of a century past 25 that’s a darn good thing. Time people stopped treating it like it was a circus side-show or, worse, like it didn’t happen at all.

As the Comstock motto says “Real People, Real Life, Real Sex.”

Why I Care About Legalizing Prostitution

Thu, 2008-06-26 20:52

Photo by Flickr user kuow949. Cached as a bandwidth-conserving courtesy
Photo Seattle’s fishing fleet memorial by Flickr user kuow949. Used under a Creative Commons license.

Y’know, it’s not like I’m a prostitute, it’s not as though I’m a customer. I’ve known a couple of people who’ve been (out, non-closet) prostitutes at least once in their lives, and I’ve become friends or acquaintances with a handful more online, but not that many. Thanks perhaps to the internet, and persistent police patrols and neighborhood watches, and maybe the rise of “escort” the old urban highway sidewalks a mile from my home is no longer athwart with “hitchhikers” in too-short skirts with too-long sleeves and too much makeup covering too many bruises nor are there as many single-occupancy, older American cars slowing and stopping to “offer rides.” I’m not tremendously libertarian. While I don’t specifically object to prostitution I strongly believe they’re not a solution to any known problem including all the standard “problems” they’re supposed to be solutions to.

So why do I care? This paragraph might seem like a digression. It’s not. The photo accompanying this post is of the Fisherman’s Memorial at Fisherman’s Terminal in Seattle, for generations the home port for the main body of the Alaskan fishing fleet. (In a lot of ways, going back to the days of the Alaska Gold Rush, Seattle’s lower-48 proximity has made it the mercantile capital of Alaska.) The memorial lists the names of all the many fishermen and women who’ve been lost at sea in what’s widely considered one of the most dangerous professions in the nation. It’s a sobering list… so many lives lost, so many of them young, and each the beloved of so many surviving parents, friends, partners, children. And yet…

And yet in the last 30 years or so more prostitutes in the Northwest have died at the hands of serial murderers, casual murderers, pimps, customers, and occasionally the random passer by than are listed on the Fisherman’s Memorial.

More street prostitutes have died in America than loggers (they’re not “lumberjacks” here.) More prostitutes have died than coal miners. More have died in the modern era than have construction workers, steel workers, perhaps even police. Certainly more than have firefighters.

Even more have been robbed, beaten, raped, mutilated, left for dead but survived. And most of them too have been young, and each of them were beloved by surviving parents, friends, partners, and children.

And yet there is no memorial to prostitutes.

Not surprising. Not surprising because prostitutes aren’t seen as people. Not surprising because the condition of their labor is the condition that makes them vulnerable — forced to the margins, to darkened streets, to warehouse districts, to docs and warves, to airport rows, to gaslight districts. Not surprising because when police cruise by they must melt away… not just for fear of arrest but for fear as well of shakedowns for “complementary” “services” in order to avoid arrest.

It’s not just in the Northwest that prostitutes are the victim of choice. Today I read from Renee of Feministe that another murderer, or murderers (though it scarcely matters how many) has been stalking shadowed-from-the-law prostitutes in the Niagara Falls area of New York.

When you think of the Niagara region immediately the mind turns to the majestic falls. Some who have spent more than an afternoon here will think of places like the Welland Canal, The Skylon Tower, Fallsview Casino, Clifton Hill, and maybe even the dearth of reasonably priced hotels, and restaurants. The aforementioned sites are the Niagara region you are supposed to think about. It is what you will find printed in all of those handy little pamphlets, that the tour guides like to give out. Yes the safe family destination, where everything is bright and sunny. What you will not hear about are the women that have been killed here since 1996. What if I were to whisper these names in your ear?

31-year-old Dawn Stewart – her skeletal remains and those of her six-month old fetus were discovered in March 1996 in a wooded are of Pelham six months after her disappearance.

26-year-old Nadene Gurczenski – her body was discovered in a Vineland ditch in May 1999. She had a two year old child. Cause of death undeclared.

32-year-old Diane Dimitri – her body was discovered in a ditch outside of Welland in August 2003. She had four children. Beaten to death.

26-year-old Margaret Jeanette Jigaru – her body was discovered in the parking lot of Princess Margaret Elementary school in Niagara Falls in July 2004. She had a four year old son. Shot in the back of the throat, execution-style.

22-year-old Cassey Chicocki – her body was found in a wooded area off of Whirlpool Rd. in Niagara Falls in December 2005. She had suffered the loss of her 3 month old child and the suicide of her brother in the few years just prior to her murder. Beaten to death, her teeth were in her stomach.

29-year-old Stephine Beck – her body was discovered in a Vineland ditch , one concession south of where Nadene’s body was discovered 8 years earlier, in march of 2007. Stephine was 14 weeks pregnant. She died of strangulation.

36-year-old Shari Bacon – found beaten to death in Sean Paul Christie’s apartment in April, 2008. She had to be identified by her tattoos.

Do they resonate with a kind of familiarity in your memory? How about if I said the name Kristen French? The difference between Kristen French, and the aforementioned women, is that French was a young school girl brutally murdered and raped by the serial killer Paul Bernardo, and the other women were all sex trade workers who were brutally raped, and murdered. French is memorable for her innocence and potential, while these women are forgotten for their occupation, and addictions; yet were they not all women, all worthy of justice?

These are just the women whose bodies have been found.

Read the rest of Renee’s post here.

I care about prostitution because what ever else you care to say about them, or the job the do, or the “legitimate” customers they service, nor how you feel about how they should or shouldn’t work…because they do work, or how their customers should or shouldn’t seek them… because they do seek them, nobody deserves working conditions so desperate that they have to fear a police car more than they must fear the cars of the men they hope seek only the service of their bodies and not the use of their lives.

At least in America, at least since the “sexual revolution” (and really since well before), at least since the economic and social value of women has increased beyond the utility of their bodies, the profession of prostitution has been dwindling. Some estimates say up to a 90% decline since the dawn of the 20th Century. One can imagine that for all the scandal and fuss and fulminations of “family values” politicians, and religious and moral activists, that in time their trade will die away… or if not die away then transform into a profession that’s almost unrecognizable by today’s standards and inconceivable even 50 years ago.

And while we wait for that eventuality the remaining sex workers — still mostly women though there are many men and many transsexuals as well — work in conditions women of 100 years ago would find little changed.

I think prostitution should be legal, legal not so they could be “regulated” or “inspected” or (as in Singapore, evidently) forced to take penicillin every three weeks, but so they could form associations, so they could network, so they could come far enough out of the shadows to be seen and protected rather than preyed upon by police, so they could call the police when they felt threatened, robbed, beaten, or preyed upon, enough that they can safely join crusades to eliminate the (competing-for-their-business-if-nothing-else!) scourges trafficking, of pimping, of prostituting of the unwilling, the unwary, the unwell, the undocumented, and the underaged and all others for whom the work is thrust upon instead of undertaken with a will.

As I’ve said I don’t think prostitutes solve any problems, including the problems they, their customers, and society since antiquity imagine they solve. And as I’ve said I believe that as society progresses the services they offer, under the conditions they’re sought today, will grow ever less demanded of them.

But I don’t think their interests nor the interests of their moral, ethical, gender, or social antagonists are served by keeping them shadowed and preyed upon.

And that’s why I care. I’ve never known any of the victims who’ve been murdered, or robbed, or raped, or beaten. But ya know what? I don’t know any of the fishermen listed on the memorial at Fisherman’s Terminal either. But I care deeply about their well being as well. Enough so that I’d oppose efforts to decertify their unions, associations, and benevolent societies, or to outlaw their profession. Why should I, or anyone else, oppose similar treatment for an even more dangerous profession. You want to eliminate prostitution? So did Gary Ridgeway. He eliminated somewhere between sixty and eighty. Someone in Niagara Falls is eliminating them, possibly, as I write. Your way, no matter what, is better than theirs. Why not make it so that while you do your work the Ridgeways, and Pictons, and Niagara’s Michael Durant were less able to as well.

It’s not just the Northwest, it’s not just the Niagara area. Chances are it’s your area too. And if it’s not your area? It’s not because it’s not happening, or hasn’t, or won’t. It’s because, as Renee says

One of the things that angers me the most about the sparse reporting that has taken place on these brutal homicides, is the fact that these women are constantly only referred to as sex trade workers. Yes, that was their occupation but does anyone’s job make up the totality of their identity. It is a way of devaluing their humanity. To the world at large they don’t constitute a loss because they are represented as dirty, foul, carnivorous vaginas seeking to profit through dirty acts. “Good girls” don’t sell sex, and “good girls” don’t become addicted. Yet there was a time when they must have danced in the rain, built snowmen, or even just enjoyed the warmth of the suns rays as it kissed their bodies. As long as we continue to see them as what they did rather than who they were, there will never be a push to achieve justice for them.

I care because like Renee I stopped being able to look away.

25 Words or Less

Thu, 2008-06-26 11:04

Wonderful how your undies look stretched tight
Around your hips, yes, or
Around your thighs, or
Around your knees, and
Especially
Around your ankles

(24 words)

HNT - Only One Sock

Wed, 2008-06-25 19:24

So, does only one sock still count as “half-nekkid?” I mean, at what point do you stop being half dressed and start being mostly naked?

HNT:

Happy HNT (or Half-nekkid Thursday!)

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