"I see you have matters well in hand"

In The Unexpurgated Code, A Complete Manual of Survival and Manners, a darkly humorous guide to social climbers, J P Donleavy said that the proper thing to say, on encountering someone masturbating, is "I see you have matters well in hand." I haven't seen the book since maybe 1979. There may have been something in there about offering to stay and help, but if so he was a bit ahead of his time. Fortunately times have changed.

Catherine from Kiss N Tell had what sounds like a pretty good date with a new guy. As often happens before you get really used to each other's needs and preferences she didn't come before he did.

He went to the bathroom to clean up, and I got the egg and put it on my clit. When he came out, I was watching porn and playing with myself. He laughed a little. Then he went onto the balcony to have a cigarette. He talked to me through the screen while he smoked, and I played with myself. I think he watched what I was doing. I came loudly, arching my body on the couch. Ah, nice one!

I got up and got dressed. I said to him, "I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't do that." I felt a little awkward, of course. I didn't know what he would think. This is the old story of "the woman finishing the job," but I didn't go in the other room or wait until he left; I did it right in front of him. Is that hot, or is that insulting?

I say hot. I think it might be an insult to old-school types but, well, that's kind of old school. First of all, making sure you come is just part of sex -- there are always going to be times when any partner won't be able to get you nor can you count on always getting him. Secondly, it's fun to do, and fun to watch. Next, if partners let you see them masturbating it's a very good way to learn what sorts of stimulation work well for them. And finally, just as it's exciting when a partner gets herself off when she's eating me or in a position that doesn't stimulate her directly it's also a lovely feeling to snuggle, kiss and caress, and/or watch while she gets herself off either before or after two-party sex.

One of my former partners told me that her previous partner almost never made her come. She said instead she'd always wait till he fell asleep and then masturbate as quietly as she could to keep from waking him. It was kind of hard to understand how that dynamic had arisen since I found her to be a very creative, passionate, and assertive lover.

While, at least for me, sex without an orgasm is pretty much as lovely as sex with one. I guess the last thing would be that if a partner hadn't had one and wanted one I wouldn't feel exactly insulted if she wanted to slip into the bathroom or wait till I left but I would feel awkward or untrustworthy or something.

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Diversity note: If you do wait till later to take matters into your own hands that's fine, of course. Just because you can while your partner's there doesn't mean you must. Some may be shy, some might just like to be alone, others may prefer not to put on a show.