HNT editorial: Nobody's perfect, but worse things can happen
Ok, so it's Half-nekkid Thursday (or HNT) again. A day for giving thanks here in the states. As well as the other elements in my life for which I'm truly grateful I'm thankful for the skin I'm in, the health I've been blessed with so far, and the appreciation people have been kind enough to offer for the photos I've posted on and off all year.
I've chosen today to post the ugliest photo I've been able to take of myself in several attempts. I'd like to say I hate this photo (it's my subjective worst-nightmare vision of exactly how I think other people usually see me) but I'm actually kind of proud of it. I stuck out my gut. I bent my legs to worst advantage with my knees at their knobbiest and my thighs at their flabbiest, scrawniest. I chose an asymmetric, awkward pose. I left a plunger handle in the frame next to the commode. I think it's a dinger-awful photo.
I've done it for all the people out there who think "I don't look so hot so I daren't post my own photos." Screw that! Everybody has a bad camera angle. Everyone has one or more body parts they're uncomfortable with. More to the point, everybody's got an internal picture of themselves and it's either a) worse than most people would agree with (they're more attractive than they imagine) or b) "ought to be" better than the reality they see in the mirror (they're more attractive than they imagine because they're imagining something they're not.)
I'd like to propose a little HNT warm-up exercise for... well, almost everybody. Do the same thing I've done and try to do your worst. Sink in your chests, let your knees knock, wait till your "midriff bulge" is at it's lunar worst, do it before your morning shower, do it as soon after stuffing yourself on way too much turkey and pumpkin pie (assuming you can get away for a bit.) In other words, revel in your worst fears about your body.
Do it, pick out the worst of the worst, burn it into your consciousness... and (unlike me) delete that sucker and don't even *think* about posting it.
Why?
Years and years ago I saw one of those little signs by a bank teller's window, the kind they put up to show a little individuality. The sign said "eat a live toad first thing every morning and nothing worse will happen for the rest of the day." I'm proposing you take those photos so that nothing worse will happen when you photograph yourself.
Done?
Now sit down with yourself and a nice mirror. Look at yourself the way *we* see you -- a perfectly average, perfectly attractive human being. Don't worry about looking like Angelina Jolie (or, I guess, Jennifer Aniston.) Instead worry about looking like *you.* Don't try to photograph your inner Cosmo girl or Maxim lad. Try to photograph the person people around you like, and love, and, yes, lust after.
You don't have to post those photos either but at least you'll be taking the photos of the person we all *really* want to see: the real, perfectly, averagely attractive you.
---
Next week I've got another HNT editorial on tap about the potential havoc trolls and other delinquents are likely to wreak as HNT becomes more and more popular and draws more and more attention outside our (growing) circle of friends. I'm not positive that the perfectly lovely Everything Nice of Bubblegum Meltdown is the first casualty of flamers and trolls but someone's been calling her ugly when she manifestly isn't and she's pulled all her photos including her profile. if she's not the first casualty then someone else will be. We should consider possible inoculations. More on that next week.
Signed,
figleaf (who can't believe he sometimes looks more like this...)
Very nice!
Happy HNT!
[Thanks, Butterfly. --fl]
Hey fig--I had no idea that shit was going on over there. I've emailed her with my take on the whole thing. Your editorial is outstanding. I'll probably be sending people over to it by the weekend. Actually, I might be tempted to steal it and put it up on mine (with credit to you, of course). Be sure you keep it up! That being said, she's not the first who's been attacked. Fortunately, the two who took the brunt of it said "fuck you" and are blogging and HNTing strong! I just hope that Emma can do it too. I'll be keeping an eye out over here.
[Thanks, Obasso. I'm not saying I'm sure that's what's happening to Emma, just that it's a reminider of the risk. Feel free to repost my post though. Might as well be proactive. Take care. --fl]
You just need to put your leg down dammit or move your hand... pick one. LOL
[Thanks, Wenchy. No way I'm moving that leg -- I might look less awkward. :-) --fl]
Hubba hubba. Happy HNT! :)
[Thanks, Tish. --fl]
Excellent editorial. Kudos to you Sir.
Happy HNT. It's a damn shame about some of the fuckwits out there.
[Thanks, Furzl. It is a shame. I think there are possible solutions but it's a shame we may have to resort to them. (But then we ought to be able to have email without spam and how likely is that?) --fl]
After being awake and working for, oh... just shy of 24 hours, this was quite a lovely post that caught my attention.
I post pictures of myself up and, sometimes I do get negative comments, which I quickly delete. It's funny how ONE negative thing someone else says can so easily replace hundreds of positive things we see in ourselves.
I also used to have my MSN messenger contact on my blog and some people (not all, some were very nice), kept messaging me for sexual contact online. No thank you!
I empathize with Everything Nice and I hope that she is able to brush off all the negativity. I don't think there's a single thing wrong with the way she looks!
[Thanks, Jen. I think we're so conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies not in the biblical sense necessarily but a conditioned esthetic sense that we're just ready to believe that one negative comment out of a hundred. In a way that's better than believing one positive comment out of hundreds but, thank goodness, there are very very few instances where that happens. :-) Thanks again. --fl]
Your words are going to stick to me all day. In a good way. So, thank you. And excellent pictures. Both of them. Happy HNThanksgiving!
[Thank you Tina. I hope your Thanksgiving went well too. --fl]
having a realistic self image is such a tricky thing. I have a somewhat unique perspective on this, as I have an (identical) twin sister. as gawky (I'll admit, somewhat nerdy) teenagers, this gave me (us?) almost too good of an understanding of how we are perceived by others, and all I could see in her where the things I didn't want to see in myself. but in later years, I think it gave me a stronger (and more realistic) sense of self (both the good parts and teh bad parts) than maybe a lot of people have. even so, I often catch myself looking at her and thinking how attractive and exotic and downright wonderful she is. and I see how other people react to her. but I don't look in the mirror, or out into a crowd, and feel the same things about myself. none of which is to say that we are exactly the same person by any means, but I think you get my point - the way others perceive us is often so very different from how we perceive ourselves.
nice to hear a guy sound off on these issues - typically feel like women get the brunt of this....
[I know women get the brunt of it, though men too are often judged harshly for their appearance. I also really appreciate your example of objectively comparing yourself to your identical sister while still subjectively feeling there's a difference between you and her. I wonder (suspect?) she feels the same about you. Thanks so much for your comment, GoodGirl. --fl]
Great post & Great shots!
Happy HNT!
[Thanks, Leesa. --fl]
Fig, you always urge us to think. As someone on the picture taking jouney, and with no place to post HNT, I appreicate your input. It is understandable what you are trying to do. Just getting one's head around the issue is a bit harder. And you look OK in both pictures.
[Thanks, Rosie. It's a mark of our self-perceptions that I *hate* the way I look in that first photo and see everything, I dunno... *wrong* in it while you and other people notice, I dunno... the right things. We just have different filters for ourselves than we do for others. Hmm... --fl]
One of the fabulous things about having a digital camera is that when you accidentally take one of those "ugly" shots, you can look at it, learn from it, and delete it! ^_^
Personally I kinda like the first picture because it looks as if we've just caught you coming out of the shower and scared you half to death!
Which is entertainning...but not as yummy looking as the second shot. ^_~
[Aha! Thanks, Shay, I hadn't thought of that. My modesty extends only as far as worrying about upsetting someone who didn't expect to see me. If they barged into the bathroom they'd be on their own expectations-wise. Anyway, since I wouldn't think to react that way it didn't occur to me that it would look that way. I can see how it would be endearing and/or arousing in those circumstances. Hmm. Maybe I'll post another photo I see as awful next week and see how people interpret that. It's an interesting question, really, that hinges on the more general case audiences, presenters, and stage freight. Performers think people are going to hate them but audiences typically want to think the best of you. (Otherwise, studies suggest, they themselves feel stupid, assuming they're missing your point, rather than feeling hostile that you don't know what you're talking about.) Hmm... Thanks again! --fl]
What they say is usually try, we are our own worst critics. While there are still some days that I slip back into self-hatred of my body image, I have found over the years that photography has helped me a great deal to accept myself the way I am. Unfortunately there will always be people, who for whatever reason; jealously, fear, anger, idiocy - will not accept some things or people. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that while negative comments might hurt, they will only become truth if we chose to believe them. Happy HNT :)
[Thanks, Aerik. I think "idiocy" in the sense of "unable to see beyond one's basic impulses" probably best sums up trolling. --fl]
holy moly!!!
umm i forgot what i was gonna say...lol
umm happy HNT! =)
[Thanks, Libraaa. --fl]
I hear violins. Happy HNT!
[Thanks, Spinning Girl. Oddly, violin is one of the few stringed instruments I can't play well at all. (It's not like I'm a virtuoso on anything else but the violin particularly eludes me.) --fl]
Are those Lucky Brand Jeans?
Wonderful shot by the way!
[Yes, they're Lucky Brand and I really wish they still made them in my style. Since I wore their current styles of jeans when Hendrix was still alive I don't really need to wear their Hendrix knock offs. --fl]
Figleaf, you really are one hell of an outstanding guy.
We all have problems with our self image, some bigger then others. It's wonderful to see you face head on those fears.
I, on the other hand, love my digital cam since no longer will bad pictures of me exist for more then the time it takes me to look and say ew.
Sometimes I look at myself and wonder, what do people find attractive about me, I'm old(ish), short, too curvy for my good. The thing is I feel sexy, I feel confident, I know I have tons to offer and it shows, even through my insecurities. Least that's what I like to think.
Thanks for a thought provoking piece (as always) and for those photos.
Tess
[Yeah but! The thing is that oldish, short, and curvy is good for an outlandish number of people. Unless by "too curvy for your own good" means you're too often tempted by young men who come slavering after you. I'd point out, by the way, that the nice thing about HNT is I get to call your bluff. You look neither too old, too short, or too curvy so I'm guessing you're hard on yourself not because you're attractive (you are) but because you're not the kind of attractive you wish you were. (Sort of like me wishing I had a Toby McGuire build and thus knocking my own instead of appreciating it.) Thanks, Tess. --fl]
I like both pics, if only for the hair on your stomach and lingering down that looks nice and soft.
I've taken lots of 'bad' pics of myself from weird angles.
I remember being particularly weirded out the first time I saw the way my breasts can flop, get crosseyed and look different ways, and make tear drops when I'm on my hands and knees.
Do breasts do that that?, I rememember thinking.
Now I think it's kind of cool. I'm not plastic.
Thanks for the thoughts always,
Learn
[Yes! Yes! Breasts do that! Except it's not called weird it's called "riveting." It would be *so* weird if they just stuck out no matter what you did. --fl]
I posted the same sort of thing a few weeks back. It's sometimes very difficult to know that somebody's attracted to me.
I hear so many negative things about my body (or about famous women with similar physiques) all the time from so many different sources that it's easy to believe they're true and that they represent the only valid opinion.
[I haven't seen all your body but I have seen your HNT and other pictures and... if you're getting negative remarks about your body I really don't understand what they're looking for. You're a totally normal, perfectly presentable-looking young woman. Thanks, V. --fl]
This is an awesome post! And great pics too :)
Happy HNT and Happy Thanksgiving!
[Thanks, Scott & Julia. --fl]
Wow I don't know Bubblegum meltdown I've never read her but sheesh that is really horrible that someone made her feel so bad!! I find that most of the people you run into on the net are decent people but on occasion you run into someone who is so ugly at least on the inside that they can't help but dirty everything they touch. I know I had some loser posting on my blog for awhile until I finally just started deleting him because I was sick of reading such ignorance. What sucks about it is your on here enjoying yourself and enjoying others minding your damned business and someone just has to try and spoil the fun. WTF is wrong with these kind of People? Are they that unhappy with their own lives or what?
Hugs
Des
[Thanks, Desireous. The nice thing about blogging is it's *your* blog and you don't have to provide a platform to anyone you'd rather avoid. (They can go scuff up their own dang blog.) --fl]
I like both pictures. I like pictures of REAL people whose brains I know, even if a just a little bit.
,em>[Wow, thanks Aag! --fl]
Better late than never...I'm finally checking out HNT pics :) I didnt post this week though. I loved what you did here.....very awesome! I esp loved the second shot!! whoo hooo lol Not shallow....human :)
[I didn't think that was shallow. I enjoy looking too, Chelle, so if looking was shallow at other people I'd be paper-thin. Thanks. --fl]
Loved this post!
I've been thinking about participating in HNT. I think you just made up my mind for me.
*grin*
Thank you, kind Sir.
*curtsies*
[Hey, that's what I like to hear. If you're not sure you could always send me some candidates. I know it sounds purient of me, and it might be reasonable to suspect I'll just praise whatever you sent profusely. But it's not that I don't see the little things that bother people, what I'm good at (with everyone but myself, evidently) is pointing out all the lovely elements that everyone will be looking at instead. The things we overlook are always outweighed by the things everyone else sees instead. One way or another, though, go for it on Thursday. If you don't like it you can always stop. Thanks, Blondage. --fl]
You know my dear, I actually like the first picture more than the second. It's very raw.
Well spoken friend. I look more like the first pic but always seem to find a way to hide the flaws. People can be so cruel behind the anonymity of a screen name and that's just bullshit. I love the human body with all its flaws and foibles and think HNT is one oif the best things I have ever participated in. Plastic and perfect are really a turn-off because they are not reality. I might link to your post as well. It's a lesson that needs to be spread around. Happy HNT and again... well said.
[Thanks, Tommy. --fl]
tremendous courage you've shown with your first photo and extraordinary take on the whole of HNT. thanks for sharing so much with us--both real you's--and for being so thoughtful about the whole thing.
[Thanks, Sis B. --fl]
Fig, you cant take a bad photo darling. nope!
Ive posted a few that I thought were pretty damn horrid as well. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?
Have a wonderful day!
[Got that right, Muse. We have to be "beheld" before we can learn what we really look like. Our own opinions of ourselves aren't ever completely accurate. Thanks. --fl]
Late as ever, going slowly through the archives, but I do love this entry. I took just the sort of picture you suggest to send to my girlfriend before we met to have a little something-something. I'd met her before, but clothed and self-conscious. She sent me a lovely nude picture of herself afterward, and asked for the same. I was afraid she wouldn't like me - she's more beautiful than I am, by far - and so when I took a picture, I didn't hold in my belly or search for the perfect pose. She got a picture of me as I am, what I see when I step into and out of the shower. And she loved it, and praised my beauty, and otherwise didn't see (or didn't care about) all the hideous things I see when I look at the pictures I sent. It was incredibly affirming, and helped me over my I'm Ugly complex, at least in great part.
[That's so wonderful, Orchid! So far at least I haven't heard anyone say they showed a photo to someone else and heard "ew, you look worse than I expected with your clothes off." Thanks! --fl]