Rays of sunshine, rays of warmth
A couple of other notes on the Hacker/Stalker/WTF stuff, most of it very good.
1) DTG of Pussy Talk took her blog down just recently but not, as we initially feared, because someone had hacked or stalked her. She sent me the following message and asked me to pass the word along:
My friends and fellow-bloggers, I've had to take Pussy Talk down today.
I'm not sure yet if this is temporary or permanent.
It appears that my identity has been quite inadvertently---and I know for a fact, not maliciously---compromised, but others may have also learned my identity in the process, so I have no idea how far the knowledge has gone. I've deactivated the journal while I sort out my options.
Feeling most wretched about this because there are so many loyal readers and good friends whom I hate like hell to disappoint, but I have an obligation to do all I can to protect the identities of my family.
DTG is still here at this address, just gone underground for a while. Please send a hug if you get a chance. I sure could use one. As soon as I make a permanent decision about PT, I'll let you know and maybe you could post something then on your blogs on my behalf, just to let readers know what's up?
I love you all, darlings.
DTG xxoo[Emphasis mine --fl]
Please note that DTG "knows for a fact it wasn't malicious!" That's not the best news but considering the climate it's pretty darn good news.
In this case sunshine on the subject reminds us that not everyone who is outed is outed maliciously. It's important to keep that in mind.
2) Someone else who took his/her blog down after receiving intimidating messages has notified the police, his/her ISP, and his/her stalker's ISP. That too is *wonderful* news.
In this case sunshine on the subject reminds us that while we're anonymous we're also grown adults with the same rights as anyone else.
3) In the last, say, 48 hours I've received a number of messages from a couple of long-ago bloggers who said they took their blogs down after being contacted by largely random individuals who'd tracked them down one way or another.
The ray of sunshine here (if you want to call it that) is that we may not be facing a rash of hacking and stalking. Instead we may be facing a rash of bloggers who are suddenly talking about something that's probably been a problem since day one. I think that's the best news yet. Here's why:
As you know, one of my on-going themes is that the average sex blogger doesn't do anything the average non-sex/non-blogger does except admit it. One of the huge benefits of sex blogging, especially anonymous sex blogging, is that we learn from each other that we're not the only ones. Ok, well, thanks to Gigi (yet another victim who's restored her final post identifying what she knows about her stalker, by the way) and others we now also know we're not the only ones if we're also getting harassed!
Finally another great thing about sex blogging is that, while we're just a tiny corner of the blogosphere we're still very widely read by all kinds of people. Not only the friends we know, and certainly also not only those who wish us ill, but also people who appreciate freedom of expression, people who understand the law, people who understand technology, people who one way or another have seen it all before. If you just go dark without mentioning why, you lose that support.
Once again, your average stalker, your average blackmailer, your average troll, your average spammer shuns light and dreads exposure far more than you do. The monster under the bed vanishes when you turn on the light. The worms and bugs under the rock wither and retreat when you turn it over. If each person who goes dark instead leaves at least a little candle behind, we might be able to get all those lights together and start a bonfire under somebody's ass.
In sum:
1) If you're outed you might be embarrassed (ok, maybe really embarrassed but still...)
2) If your stalker, hacker or blackmailer is outed they might go to jail or face other sanctions
3) They rely on your embarrassment to protect themselves
4) Do you really want to protect them?
Thanks for alerting folk to my situation, darling.
In my case, it's not just a matter of embarrassment. Getting "outed" of necessity outs my family, who then may become targets for nuisance or malicious behaviour.
There is also, I confess, the rather uncomfortable possibility of my husband's rage. I have no idea how he would react to discovering, in a humiliating way (if he were to receive an email from colleagues for example), that I have been keeping a sex journal. At the very least, he would see it as betrayal and our marriage would end on the spot---not an inviting prospect when one is financially dependent.
DTG xxoo
[I'm not saying we should all just bull on through as if nothing is happening! I'm certainly not saying we shouldn't pull (emotionally) incriminating posts. If you are *maliciously* outed -- not the case for you -- there's nothing wrong with putting a nice vanilla face on our URLs though (easier if you're "nicebluejeans" than "realadultsex" of course :-)) perhaps with a little note saying who and how. Oh DTG I hope you can eventually come back, in one form or another. --fl]
Excellent post Fig!
The rash of bloggers outed seems to be spreading, thankfully not all of them are shutting down.
Like gigi, who has just moved instead of shutting down (but shhh her hacker is still out there).
[also - I love how your site is remembering my info now, I feel so loved]
[You've always been loved, Shay, my blog has just been too shy to admit it. :-) And yeah, you've noticed Gigi's asked people not to blogroll or otherwise mention her new site yet. My lips aren't exactly sealed but they're certainly too busy doing other things to blab. :-) Thanks! --fl]
In my case, I've always known there was a possibility that this blog could be discovered. I accept that, and if I was embarrassed by what I had done, I wouldn't have maintained the blog. I did have a moment of panic when I thought one of my lovers would find it, but that hasn't happened yet. I've prepared myself for when it does.
As I said to an online friend, everyone is so concerned about "discretion." But my experiences belong to me as much as to my lovers, and I have a right to disclose them. I try to protect their anonymity as much as I can.
We are sexual beings. It would be wonderful if we could all be as honest without the anonymity as we can in our blogs. Someday.
[Someday sooner, too, if we're willing to push just a little every now and then. We can't all, certainly not all the time, but it's nice to give little nudges when we can. Thanks, Christine. --fl]
When I started my blog, I tried to stay anonymous. But I also never intended to deceive - people have guessed who I am, but they are fellow spankos who have attended the same parties I have.
What I have done is keep all my personal information private: I refer to people by nicknames or scene names, I have a separate email account for my blog, and I try not to write about specific things that can be traced back to me and my "vanilla" life.
I'm not sure how I would react to being outed. For me, I have little to lose. (a crappy job I don't really like, a few work friends I do) I'd be more worried about anyone possibly outing Matt through me (he works in a very conservative environment). And I'd hate for my family to know, not because I am embarassed by my sexuality, but because they would be embarassed by it.
I don't understand what would motivate an individual to out someone. Is it an urge to destroy? Is it jealousy? Or fear? Or just plain meanness? Are these the schoolground bullies all grown up?
Whatever it is, I'm with you, Fig. Why shouldn't they suffer a bit of embarassment as well?
[Yeah! Thanks, LG! --fl]
"..The monster under the bed vanishes when you turn on the light. The worms and bugs under the rock wither and retreat when you turn it over. If each person who goes dark instead leaves at least a little candle behind, we might be able to get all those lights together and start a bonfire under somebody's ass.."
Figleaf, i don't know if i say it often enough, but i should. I think you are an exceptionally good writer. I'm not saying i don't also come visit you for the salacious photos or your beautiful eyes (they've stayed with me, you know...), but you also have an articulate eloquence that is a pleasure to experience.
The above section was beautifully put, and hit the nail squarely on the head.
Kudos. I'm not worthy.
La Minxxxxx
[Golly! You are so sweet, Minx! Also, of course you're worthy. Thanks! --fl]
A brilliant and balanced post my dear figleaf. Special thanks for your wise words on stalkers. A few years ago I had a real time stalker, who turned out to be someone I kind of knew. Perhaps because of that, or due to the shock, when they pitched up in my home town (I subsequently learned they'd given up their job and came everyday on the off chance of seeing me), I spoke with them.
Their obsession made them deaf to my pleas and only police intervention stopped it. I want to thankyou for reminding us, that as sex bloggers, we are doing nothing wrong and certainly nothing that violates our legal rights. I would suggest that anyone suffering this kind of harassment contact the poilce, who are equipped to deal with such things.
The laws in the UK changed a couple of years back and the police now have extra powers to tackle stalkers. This also means they are more aware and sympathetic to the victims plight. Simply speaking to them gives you back some of the power you feel the stalker has taken, because you realise something can be done.
As you say, ultimately they fear outing more than you. Sex is a natural and beautiful expression of humanity. Stalking and related behaviours are not. I know which I would rather be doing and be outed for.
Many thanks figleaf. And of course, blessings to DTG. She knows we're all rooting for her.
[Oh yeah, real non-trolling stalkers are serious business. If nobody, or nobody else, talks to them they can wind up with pretty uncontrolled obsessions. Laying low and hoping they go away is not an effective strategy. Thanks, Lena. --fl]
Like figleaf, I'm sorry for the victims here, but not surprised. And let me chime in to praise Fig's stirring prose and deep compassion! These are issues that have been around for a long time. Even privacy on the 'Net is hardly a new issue, there were similar anonymity and stalking issues with the more controversial newsgroups of Usenet, at least back to the late '80s.
That said, I'd like to ramble a bit about the fundamentals -- while I'm pretty intellectual about these things, there might be a shred of comfort here for some folks.
Much of the "political" power of Puritanism comes from the ability to intimidate or control people with sexual shame. This is as true today as it was in Colonial times, indeed it's been one of the greatest weapons of the Christian Church since at least Medieval times. Unfortunately, this isn't something "non-believers" can just wave away, because sexuality really is a vulnerable place for us.
That allows Puritans, or other manipulators, to use a nasty sort of psychological rabbit-punch: First, they trigger the fear and anxiety natural to that vulnerability. Then, they can "recast" the victim's emotions into their own abusive terms, with frames such as "shame" and "sin".
The psychic damage of rape is connected to to this, too! The original, instinctive, response, is primal: "you have been beaten, defeated -- physically, socially, and in your basic (biological) goals". (Remember, rape is both a "pecking-order" type domination, and a sort of evolutionary backstabbing.)
Once someone's been emotionally clobbered like that, it's really easy to hand them other reasons to "explain" why they feel so bad. But the fundamental point is, they feel bad because somebody hurt them! (Even if there's no visible marks....) It also doesn't help if the attacker's still "at large" -- then there's also an ongoing threat to be scared about!
[Thanks, Dave. --fl]
Hi, Figleaf-I am plannning to link to your site and quote you for a talk I am doing at Gnomedex. Best wishes, Susan
[Wow, Susan! Thank you! Hey, I was planning to go to Gnomedex so I may be in the audience. --fl]