Buying a cow? What tha'...?
Ok, so there are all kinds of constructions and deconstructions out there for the old argument against premarital sex: "Why buy a cow when the milk is free?" I've even done one.
But I was sitting there chopping up chicken for dinner (kung-pao chicken without much spice since the kids grouse if I use too much) thinking about birth control policy, abstinence-only education, promiscuity, and polyfidelity and the phrase popped into my head.
Why buy a cow if the milk is free? (Which is just an unbelievably coarse way of saying why would men get married if they could have sex anyway without using ungenteel words like "pussy.")
Why buy a cow if the milk is free? (Which is a construction that typically places the woman in the role of the cow even though Richard of Down on my knees or Laura the Tooth might point out a more structurally apt interpretation.)
Why buy a cow if the milk is free?
Ok, help me here.
Is there a single *stupider* reason on the face of the earth to get married in the first place? Is "so we can have sex" really the best foundation for an enduring commitment to each other?
Sorry. That's not why I got married. It's not why anyone I know of my generation got married. It's not the reason any of my friends who've stayed married stayed married (even the ones who didn't have children, or didn't have them right away.)
I believe the answer, in the parlance of the twisted phrase, would be "Because you're in love with the, um, cow." The, um, price of, er, milk -- of any sort -- is irrelevant.
Update: In comments Renee of Haphazardous puts it very clearly: "I certainly don't want to see my kids rushing into marriage before they're old enough to drink just because they're desperately horny." She recommends instead that if restrictions are going to be placed on sex the emphasis should be on sex in loving and/or respectful relationships rather than bluntly licensed ones.
Update: It's also worth noting that under "buy the cow" morality the unquestionable evil perpetrated by Travis Frey on his wife Ruth might be considered unfortunate, even disgraceful, but not at all immoral. (It's worth adding that in most states prior to the activism of Andrea Dworkin and other feminists, most of the Frey's acts would be legal since it was not considered possible to for a husband to kidnap or rape his "own" wife.)
Having been raised in a very religious, conservative Christian home, I'm quite familiar with all the judgments against premarital sex. Although I opted out of that dogma in my teens, my brother remained steadfast. Due to his convictions, he and his wife married at 19.
So yes, for those who really believe in their heart of hearts that premarital sex is sinful, then of course they're going to get married so they can have sex, and they're going to marry young. Honestly, how many virgins are going to hold out until they're over 30 to finally get laid?
Which to me is an excellent argument against premarital abstinence. I certainly don't want to see my kids rushing into marriage before they're old enough to drink just because they're desperately horny.
I think Christians would be a lot more effective if they would restrict sex (since they are so insistent on placing restrictions on sex) to loving relationships, rather than marriage. But I'm not holding my breath.
[I really appreciate your last two paragraphs, Renee. It's a wonderful summary of the intent of the cow aphorism, and a nice refutation of the (almost certainly unexamined) intent of premarital-sex opponents. Thank you. --fl]
people forget to mention that many closted gay folks like to hide behind the "no premarital sex" facade. it pays to fuck your intended first--so you can see if sex is enjoyable w/him or her, if he/she actually looks at you while you're fucking, if both partners have compatible sex drives. i mean, how many closeted guys closed their eyes and imagined they were doing a guy instead of their wife? these kind of things can be easily rooted out if the partners hit the sack before they tied the knot. i mean, how bad is it to find out that your spouse is gay after you've signed on the dotted line?
all that hot air about "why buy the cow" doesn't adress sexual incompatibility, repressed sexuality, sexual enjoyment, and our intrinsic value as human beings, independent of our sexual histories and proclivities. who cares whether or not you enjoy the sex you get from him or her, what's important is that you got them to buy the cow! it's quite a bankrupt mentality, and it certainly doesn't make for stronger marriages.
[Funny you should mention that, Laura. I ran into an older woman who scarcely remembered her father and was told he'd been made to leave because he beat her. She spent her whole life totally shaken up about having an abusive father. Finally, when she was in her fifties and he in his late 70's he contacted her. They talked for a while and he said her mom's family found out he was gay (this would have been back in the 1950s) and told him he was to have no further contact. He'd been glad to get out of his marriage but sorry to leave his daughter so young! Woah, family values, eh? Thanks for the provocative point, Laura. --fl]