I don't know you you ever put up with me
This post is for all my partners, real or longed for or only imagined.
We didn’t always have a lot of intercourse, but we had a hell of a lot of sex. It was some of the most profound, moving things that have ever happened to me. While we had sex, though, I was a mess. I was a mass of messy conflicts and inhibitions and contradictions. A great pile of “ought to� and “ought not to� and "must be.� A train wreck of jumbled weaknesses and scattered strengths beside and across the tracks. An oceanic storm with great breaking waves of right or wrong, true or false, and especially good or bad.
I would see the bliss on your face when I pushed my hand in your cunt and I’d be saying “oh dear, am I hurting her?� I’d be alight with pleasure when you were sucking come from my cock deep into your passion-hot mouth and thinking “but this is wrong.� I’d open my robe and stroke my hard cock while you watched only inches away, fascinated and flushed, and all I could think was “is she learning something about me?� I’d stand you in front of me, unbutton your shirt and pull the tails aside to bare your breasts while your eyes glazed and your body shook with lust, I’d look you in the eyes while I unbuttoned your pants and pushed them down your trembling legs, I’d clutch your naked ass, I’d touch my fingers to your meltingly wet pussy, I’d hear you say with your voice husky with lust “I want to be fucked� and I’d say “can she be enjoying this if I can’t give her an orgasm?�
What the fuck was I thinking? What the hell was I doing? *Where was I?* How could I have been so tied up in “what ought� when I could have been celebrating what is? What was? With you?
I couldn't bear it if I thought I was the only man, the only person who's been that way. I can't bear knowing I'm not.
It's a marvel you've put up with me, and no wonder when sometimes you didn't. And if I'd unhunched my shoulders and lifted my head enough I might have seen the same turmoils in you, and then marveled at what I was putting up with too. And if we'd both looked at each other with those suddenly-knowing eyes we might have smiled shyly, then laughed till the aching of our sides healed the aching of our hearts, and then held out our arms for each other knowing this time where we were and what we were doing. Together, yes, but really one.
Rail cars don't right themselves in a moment, the ocean doesn't calm in an instant, mixed metaphors don't unravel overnight. I can't promise it won't happen again. I do promise that I'll be there, all there, right there, with you.
thank you
[You're welcome, Autumn. Thank you. --fl]
I wonder if any of my previous partners have ever found themself in your thoughtful muse ... yours is a lucky partner.
As always from you, food for thought.
[Thanks, Katy. I've always felt I was the lucky partner. --fl]
Beautiful post. Far too many people get caught up in too much thinking about sex - that is, the way you described it, the "what ifs" and the unrealistic expectations and the things we think we're supposed to want or do or want to do... including seeing orgasm as the end-all be-all of, well, all. I know I've been guilty of everything I've just enumerated, but it's good to be self-aware enough to be able to push back against those ingrained reactions. Thanks for posting this.
[Yeah, it's a fine line between being self-aware and self-centered or self-conscious. All words, yes, but there's a time for all the other stuff and it's called "afterwards." :-) Thanks, Amber. --fl]
Fig...
***KISS***
thank you.
[You're welcome, DN. Thank you. --fl]
Very, very nice, Fig.
Hmm, when times frees up I hope I remember that. Might be good fodder for something.
-s.
[If you'll write a book about it it would save me the trouble. I wasn't planning to write it myself, so you wouldn't be stepping on any toes. :-) Thanks, Steff. --fl]
Figgie, sweetheart, I positively LOVE your writing.
[Thank you, Avatar. I appreciate it. --fl]
What an awesome post Fig!
[Thanks, Enigma. --fl]
Ah figleaf, that's given me the warm fuzzies. You are gorgeous and cherished beyond words. I only wish I could give you a hug now. Thank you for this beautiful post. kisses x
[And thank you, Lena. I'd enjoy the hug and enjoy thinking about it... later. I'd finish enjoying the hug first. :-) --fl]
it can be so hard to let yourself *be* that moment. I don't know why. Thanks for reminding us to let go once in a while :)
[Thanks, M. I just realized that I've spent so much time worrying about all the "rules" of sex, including some very sensible and important ones like not neglecting my partner's pleasure, that I sometimes forget to *enjoy* her pleasure! Or mine! --fl]
I have to admit that I have found myself to be a sex overthinker. Like my yoga instructor says "you have to quiet the noisy monkey in your mind and think about nothing" - it's harder than it sounds.
Especially when it's sex and you're trying not to try too hard not to think. Do you know what I mean?
[Oh yeah, Shay. It's not that you want to stop thinking (try and stop that!) It's that you want to stop thinking of everything else. The first is impossible. I think the second might be effortless once you're there. --fl]
I still haven't lost all my self-consciousness freakouts. Sometimes when I push my husband down and crawl on top of him and start bonking him, I often wonder if he's looking up at me thinking, "Hmm...if only her breasts were perkier". I should just cut that shit right out.
This was a beauteous post, Fig!
[And the weird thing is that while you're wondering about that *he* could be wondering if *you're* thinking "hmm, his hairline is really starting to recede" because he thinks could really see it from up there. Which really resonates with me noticing I always make myself the loser in those kinds of fretful "am I doing this right," "are we disturbing the neighbors" "it's been 10 minutes but she hasn't come so if I come does that make me a premature ejaculator" sort of situations. I think we all do things like that, but if we can't exactly stop it we can at least distract it with "wow this feels good" and "man I'm glad I'm right here with him right now." Even if we can't stop ourselves from adding "...anyway." :-) Thanks, Mona. You're great. --fl]
It is all about maturity, experience and getting comfortable with yourself. Disengaging our brains and letting go is difficult at times, especially when we so desperately want to please. The fact that you acknowledge this in yourself is a good sign.
[Thanks, AD. I appreciate the reinforcement. It helps. --fl]
I think (at least for me...) the more experience you have, or get... the more you think. The more you think about what you should or shouldn't be doing.
We all need to just "be"...
Thank you Figleaf for such a thoughtful and insightful post.
[Oh yeah, as Monk says somewhere suddenly the most amazing things can become routine. Still, with enough experience maybe we can go beyond self-consciousness and through consciousness and get closer to unselfconsciousness where we think those thoughts but don't mind them anymore. Thanks Needra. Hey, and welcome back from India by the way. --fl]
Not alone. Well aware now that the feeling is shared.
I get antsy about "Am I pleasing him right?", or "Am I taking advantage of him when I grab him by the cock and tell him what I want?" Internal chatter, of course.
Great evocative writing in this piece, fig.
[Thank you, Bella. I felt like I was taking a chance to post this because (probably like everybody) I was afraid I might be the only one who's felt that way. I'm really heartened knowing you, and others, have felt the same thing. Thank you! --fl]
Fig,
Thanks for this beautifully written post. How you manage to combine sexiness, humility, and lyricism all in one small passage is really a wonder.
I don't know if this will help you in some way to overcome self-consciousness, and I don't know if I speak for every woman, but I can tell you that for me, if I've gotten to the point where I've decided I want a man naked and doing all the exquisite things with me you describe in your post, I'm already well turned on by him and am not thinking about the things he might do wrong, but what he is doing that is making me feel very, very right.
So what I am saying is, if you can see the "bliss in her face or hear the lust in her voice, nothing you are doing can possibly be wrong. In fact, it means it's extremely right, and you don't need to think, you just need to fully enjoy. Only if you can't see or hear these things does it mean there's anything to be concerned about.
xo,
Syl
p.s. Note I've employed the "official" code for ital in this post. I feel very proper and good now.
[Yeah, it's not always been about "am I doing it right for her." Sometimes it's been about "are my parents going to find out" or "In ancient Mesopotamia this position was believed to..." Mostly, though, it wasn't so much that I was thinking (try turning *that* off!) but that I was thinking about what my partner and I could or should or would be doing instead of what was actually happening. Thanks for being so encouraging, Miss Syl! And I'm glad you liked my html tip. --fl]