Gifts you can make yourself
Do we give orgasms? If so then why not say "I got one from my partner" when we do?
Like a lot of things about sex, our language for orgasms is just... funny... disconnected... maybe a little strange.
For one thing it's kind of funny that "orgasm" is a noun. It's occasionally used as a verb in bad porn and maybe hurried IMs, as in "Orgasm now!" from an uncreative top or "He orgasmed copiously" but generally it's a noun and (though I have never been good at the language of grammar) usually it's the object when used in a sentence. "She had an orgasm."
It's funny that orgasms are nouns because, well, they're sort of an action wouldn't you say? I mean yes, there are other actions we refer to as nouns -- accidents, heart attacks, victories, epiphanies -- but... look, I've yet to have, see, or hear about an orgasm that someone just happened to have. Even though we often say we have them we don't just *have* them. Somebody makes them and they're generally made with a fair amount of effort and skill, and a usually with a great deal of care.
So. Do we have orgasms or make them? We make them. "Having" orgasms is just weird. (Unlikely conversation: "Would you like to have an orgasm?" "No thanks, I just had one.")
And if "having orgasms" is weird how about "giving" them?
You ever give someone an orgasm? Really? Where did you keep it before you gave it to them? (More unlikely conversation: "I'm looking for birthday presents so if you have extra orgasms can you give me a couple?" "I can't give you this one, it's my favorite. But I can let you borrow it if you promise to give it back.")
Ever notice there's a bit of gender play in the language of orgasms? You hear about people "giving" women orgasms but you don't often hear someone say "I gave him one." And usually you don't "make" women have orgasms. More often you "make" men have them instead. It's not a big deal but I bet one could turn out a nice English or Gender Studies master's thesis on the distinctions in contemporary literature.
There's a big difference, though, between the simple act of *making* an orgasm and and the peculiar one of making someone else *have one.* (Unlikely conversation: "I'd like to make you have an orgasm." "Gosh, I'm still sensitive from the last one. Could you make me have dinner with you first?")
Hmm. I mentioned earlier that I'm not at all good with the parlance of English grammar, but if the verb form of the noun "orgasm" is "come" does that make it an irregular verb?
Comes an even weirder word when you think about it, though at least it's a verb so you don't hear silly things like "I gave her a come." (Except, again, maybe in poorly-written porn and hasty IMs.) Where, exactly, is one coming from when one comes?
The old Victorians evidently preferred the word "spend." I rather like it too because we often feel temporarily spent after we've had a few. (Lit-crit types, though, point out that the word had highly prejudicial connotations in capital-intensive 19th Century England. To spend, to consume rather than invest, was considered mildly disgraceful in those days. This prejudice was compounded, by the way, by the odd idea that men had a fixed amount of semen in their lifetimes so that the more often you expended or "spent" it the sooner you'd run out.)
Oh whatever. I'm just saying I think if we were more comfortable talking about sex we might find more direct ways to talk about orgasms.
Anyway, next time you and your partner(s) get together try making orgasms for yourselves and each other instead of just having or giving them.
Update: I woke up this morning still thinking about this. The first thought to pop up was that when I say orgasms are made I don't mean it in an abstract or philosophical sense. I mean they're something we create with our bodies, something our partners create in us with their bodies. They're tangible but ephemeral results, acts of creativity.
In comments Lime points to what I'm looking for:
i have always liked the french term for orgasm though...le petit mort...the little death. we've all enjoyed some memorable orgasms that felt like an out of body experience, no?
She has a good point about the French term "little death." That's also a bit of a noun and I think what I'm looking for is something like that we can use as a verb. I mean instead of saying "I made the 'little death' happen for my partner" I want to be able to say something like "I 'little-killed' her several times last night while kissing her all over" or "I couldn't sleep last night untill I'd 'little-killed' myself."
[Note: Yes, I'm acutely aware of the uncomfortable connotations of words like killing and death in relation to sex so I'd like to make it clear that, outside of a translation of "le petite morte" I'd use different language entirely. Less poetic-but-gruesome nominations from other languages are more than welcome in comments. --fl]
So we don't just have orgasms, and now that I think about it's not quite right to say we make them either. We *do* orgasms. We do them ourselves, we do them with partners, our partners do them with us. At the moment (but only just at the moment) I'm sort of thinking the noun form is always about keeping score than about the act itself -- I had one, I didn't have one, he wants one, she never has them, they were so close to having them together. Hmm. I'll have to think about this more.
I've had difficulty with writing about orgasms in formal papers. "Bring her to orgasm" is just awkward. For me it seems much more natural to use orgasm as a verb than as a noun - largely because of the difficulty in finding a verb to accompany it as a noun.
I thought that both men and women orgasm, but I come across so many people who say that it's only used for women.
A nearby bakery sells brownies called Chocolate Orgasms. They are quite deserving of the name.
[They're being silly. Both men and women orgasm (or, my preference, come.) Thanks, Shakes! --fl]
I can honestly say that I have never really considered whether "orgasm" is a noun or a verb.I guess in my mind "orgasm" is a word in a catagory of its own. I associate the word "come" with semen. (So that would be the noun) And "orgasm" is the extremely pleasurable ending to sexual activities. So I guess to me "orgasm" is a feeling, because there is nothing better than the "feeling/orgasm" at the end of sex. Hmmm? Did that make any sense?
Also, I whole heartedly agree with you in the fact that we need to be more comfortable with talking about sex. I know many people who can't even say the word "sex", let alone "orgasm". I have always wondered why so many people raise their children to believe that sex is a "dirty, immoral" thing. I think that a lot of problems with teenagers today (pregnancies, diseases etc.) could be avoided if parents would actually talk openly and honestly with their children about sex.
Oops! Sorry, I keep meaning to get rid of that soap box, but your articles just get me thinking... :)
[That's ok, Sage, your comment has made me think too, so you're welcome to take as long as you like. You're right that the word "come" (or, ugg, "cum") is used as a noun for semen, but before that it was used as a slang verb for reaching an orgasm for men or women. As for why we raise our children the way we do there is no short answer but one clue might be that the nuanced explanations we try to give them (e.g. "that's a private part of your body; no grownup should touch you there,\' you may touch yourself there in the privacy of your room") may be interpreted more strictly in the minds of three and four year old. Those impressions, if not carefully corrected, can recreate and pass on that sort of discomfort when they have kids of their own. But that's just one possibility. Thanks! --fl]
i honestly haven't 'spent' a lot of time thinking about the gramatical constructs of giving/making orgasms so i haven't 'come' to any formal conclusion but it is interesting to consider now that you bring it up.
i have always liked the french term for orgasm though...le petit mort...the little death. we've all enjoyed some memorable orgasms that felt like an out of body experience, no?
like tooelesage i think parents need to be able to talk to kids about sex using clear, unembarassed language. for a humorous personal example you can check www.insaneasylime.com, most recent post. sex is a common dinner table topic in our house. i'd sooner have the kids learn from me than on the bus.
[Thanks for the link, Lime! Also, good point about the French "little death." That's also a bit of a noun and I think what I'm looking for is something we can use to describe the action... I mean instead of saying "I did something to trigger the 'little death'" I want to be able to say something like "I 'little-killed' her several times last night while kissing." Know what I mean? We don't have orgasms, and now that I think about it's not quite right to say we make them either. We *do* orgasms. We do them ourselves, we do them with partners, our partners do them with us. At the moment (but only just at the moment) I'm sort of thinking the noun form is always about keeping score -- I had one, I didn't have one, he wants one, she never has them, they were so close to having them together. Hmm. I'll have to think about this more. Thanks, lime! --fl]
Maybe the issue grammatically speaking is that like "to be", "to orgasm" encompasses more than a simple action. As an intransitive verb it has no direct object which may make the action the object itself. A profound thought too early for the likes of me...
Oh and re: the 3 and 4 year olds.. my goal at that time was to get them to stop going at it in the living room when we had company....
["'to orgasm' encompasses more than a simple action." Which is a more succinct way of saying it than I could come up with. Thanks, Lushlyme. --fl]
ok, my brain is no intrigued by all the forms other languages may use. good points on the noun vs. verb. perhaps a bit more cogitation and we can come up with something good.
[It might just help to think in terms of the way we and/or our partners make our orgasms instead of just having or giving them. Thanks, Lime. --fl]
Fun post and comments...it is an odd thing talking about orgasms and brought up some random thoughts and memories for me.
-First off...with your statement: "...but... look, I've yet to have, see, or hear about an orgasm that someone just happened to have."
Well, here you go getting your cherry popped.
I and others I know can have and do have orgasms that just "happen." Anyone can have them with the proper training and practice in letting orgasmic energy flow. Once I was assisting at a Tantra workshop with about six others. The Teacher was giving a lecture. I cannot remember what it was about, but what I do remember very clearly is that we were all listening intently. Then at one point, probably when she was describing a technique or something, ALL of the assistants simultaneously started to do waves of orgasmic surgings and shudders. It was pretty funny.
-Other examples: At two different points in my life, I was celibate. Once for about five months another for nine months. Both times, after about a month I would just have spontaneous orgasms. Once was in the library and, FYI, women moaning in that ecstatic sort of way in a library attracts attention. But hey, I couldn't help it. A few years before that, I had gotten some bodywork that shot a huge jolt of extreme fire that started in my pelvic area then proceeded to give me very strong orgasms at least once every half hour. But sometimes that energy was running through me constantly. Sounds fun, but try having to focus on life outside of your body. One should definitely be on vacation for those times in ones life and I wasn't. I had three kids and a business with 23 employees to run. It got so bad I had to call the massage person who was absolutely no help in that he had no idea how to deal with it. Over a period of a few weeks it started to subside especially when I found a way to hold my pelvis that calmed them down. It was quite disconcerting at the time.
-I don't know if an orgasm is something we can "do." Don't you find it the case that the more you "try" the farther away the orgasm seems to go? I see orgasm as something that we allow ourselves to experience. So for me, it would be a thing I 'have," like any other experience is something we have. I would say that the body "does" an orgasm. It does the neuronal firings. But we 'experience' those firings in our own unique ways. I keep being amazed at all the different types of orgasms there are and what can trigger them.
-I also don't think that anyone can "give" another an orgasm. Don Juan or Juanette could do all the tricks of the trade, all the perfect "techniques" but if the partner is not open, doesn't like the technique or will not allow orgasmic energy to flow, orgasm ain't gonna happen. I once heard it said that I am responsible for my own orgasms. I find this to be true. I guess I would say your post says it all.
["Anyone can have them with the proper training and practice..." First of all that's really cool that you're able to access this through tantra, Gillette! I just want to acknowledge the training and practice you've put into making them "just happen." That's cool too, and sort of the point I'm getting at. Thanks! --fl]
I love this picture! It really captures the motion and the feeling of the event. As for the verb "orgasm", I do think of it as an active experience. I've always found the expression "to bring someone to orgasm" a bit awkward, as though Orgasm was an exit on the freeway.
[Well put, Anonymous. To say we "bring" orgasms disconnects us from what* "brings" them in the sense that it makes it harder for us to talk about in direct terms. Thanks. --fl]