Abstinence-only vs. "intercourse only"

Fascinating story in USA Today this morning (via Pam Spaulding at Pandagon) about federal efforts to extend "Abstinence-only" education to 19 to 29 year-old women.

The federal government's "no sex without marriage" message isn't just for kids anymore.

Now the government is targeting unmarried adults up to age 29 as part of its abstinence-only programs, which include millions of dollars in federal money that will be available to the states under revised federal grant guidelines for 2007.

The government says the change is a clarification. But critics say it's a clear signal of a more directed policy targeting the sexual behavior of adults.

"They've stepped over the line of common sense," said James Wagoner, president of Advocates for Youth, a Washington, D.C.-based non-profit that supports sex education. "To be preaching abstinence when 90% of people are having sex is in essence to lose touch with reality. It's an ideological campaign. It has nothing to do with public health."

Abstinence education programs, which have focused on preteens and teens, teach that abstaining from sex is the only effective or acceptable method to prevent pregnancy or disease. They give no instruction on birth control or safe sex.

The National Center for Health Statistics says well over 90% of adults ages 20-29 have had sexual intercourse.

But Wade Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the Department of Health and Human Services, said the revision is aimed at 19- to 29-year-olds because more unmarried women in that age group are having children.

Government data released last month show that 998,262 births in 2004 were to unmarried women 19-29, the ages with the most births to unmarried women.

"The message is 'It's better to wait until you're married to bear or father children,' " Horn said. "The only 100% effective way of getting there is abstinence."

Read all the extra about it here.

A couple of points spring to mind.

• First, since I intend to spend most of my post tearing the program a new one I would like to give kudos to Horn for saying "It's better to wait until you're married to bear or father children." It's a big deal to me because I think it's the first time I've ever, *ever* heard an AE advocate hint that unwed fathers might have anything to do with Teh Unwed Pregnancy.
• But that's all the nicer I'm willing to be because it's still only lip service. Horn's preceding sentence is the same old all-women's-fault-all-the-time: "...the revision is aimed at 19- to 29-year-olds because more unmarried women in that age group are having children."
• Do I even need to explain why leaving men off the hook for before-the-fact responsibility further degrades and marginalizes them? (Answer: Perhaps I do. Assuming... teaching... *broadcasting* that men are irresponsible excuses them from being, well, *responsible!* )
• Do I even need to explain why obsessing over abstinence to the exclusion of all else is immoral, unethical, counter-productive, and factually wrong? (Answer: No. Countless others have exhaustively explained why. Despite it being a self-evident no-brainer.)

Now.

Let's see if we can't get a little creative with this Abstinence-only business.

We've already seen, over and over and over that for most people define "sex" *exclusively* in terms of penis-in-vagina intercourse.

Oral sex? Not sex. Nope? There's absolutely no sex involved if you only kiss your way down your partner's body, unbuttoning buttons, unzipping zippers, baring their breasts or chests and devouring them with hot open mouths before dipping lower to slide their pants down or their skirts up, pressing their legs apart with your warm palms, trailing your fingers over their bellies and asses as you nip, and lick, slurp or swallow, bob or weave your head as they first sigh, then moan, then cry out... before returning the favor.

Phone sex? Nope. Say what you will it's just not sex you're only sharing breathy sighs, steamy fantasies, and meticulous descriptions of how you're mirroring each other's directions as you roll and handle your own flesh.

Anal sex? You'd really want to use patience, a lot of common sense, and, of course, condoms. And you'll always want to warm each other up with lots and lots of pre-play and even more lubrication. And to avoid any other kind agony you need to start agonizingly slowly. But people who enjoy it seem to *really* enjoy it. Anal sex might not be for everybody but then it's not sex either.

Hands on genitals? Driving through the night together idly fondling each other, tempting each other, teasing each other, till you find a park or pull-out where you can kiss feverish kisses, keep your heads up to watch for passers by, while rhythmically sliding your hands over each other's increasingly slippery cocks or clits, synchronizing your strokes to the flutters and rolls of each other's half-lidded eyes before cupping each others juices to save the upholstery? Third base at best.

"Dry humping?" I say oh yes! The standard definition of "sex" says oh no. Also, a stack of lap-dance-related case law says if there's so much as a single layer of tricot between then definitely not.

Sixty-nine? (That's still just oral so opere citato.)

BDSM? Is Mistress Matisse in jail? There's no sex involves so *of course not!* Golden showers? Eww, maybe, but no sex. Fur-suiting? As long as the Velcro stays shut it's not sex. Full-body lotion demonstrations?" Evidently not. Frottage, intercural/interfemoral, axillary, or mammary intercourse? Nuh-uh. Homosexuality? Lesbianism? Rick Santorum might want to cross his legs about it but it's gotta be penis-in-vagina so *still* no "sex."

Now me? My definition of sex starts way, waaay before PIV intercourse but maybe I'm just a prudish libertine. I'm just sayin' that since none of the activities I've outlined above involve penis-in-vagina intercourse, and since penis-in-vagina is by far the most common way to wind up with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, it seems to me we could use some of that grant money to show people how to have a wonderfully healthy, active, and fulfilling sex life while still encouraging them to abstain from PIV intercourse before marriage.