Keeping it under wraps
The very interesting Ladyred of Postcards From Guyville, who's trying out men again after years of mostly-lesbian life, had an interesting question about condom etiquette.
So, I've been thinking about something the Man/Child said to me after sex. He said he was glad I'd had condoms, since he hadn't brought any (bless his misguided honesty, really). I was pretty shocked. I'd been flirting with him mighty heavily and invited him up to my place as part of the date -- didn't he have some inkling he might get laid? He told me sure, he'd hoped so, but he didn't want to seem like he'd made any assumptions.
Now, here's the thing that's been bugging me -- how the hell would I know if he had a condom on him if we didn't do the deed? Is this something guys do for real? Or is it just a cover for the real hope that we'd find ourselves lacking a rubber and I'd just be like, oh, let's do it anyway! Do people really still have unprotected sex with people they hardly know?
I think times are probably changing, but at least when I was coming up through the system a man was considered a bit of a presumptuous bastard if he brought condoms along on a date if you hadn't yet had sex. I'm guessing that's an at-least-slightly bigger reason than just the guy hoping you'll agree to go without.
(For equally reputationally-based reasons back then women never had condoms either. The diplomatic solution back in the day, by the way, was that once you agreed you were going to have sex you'd go on the pilgrimage together to buy them.)
If I were dictating etiquette today I'd say the polite thing would be for everyone to have condoms in their medicine cabinets (not a bad idea anyway) to be provided by whoever is playing host. But I'm not dictating anything, and besides people have first-time sex in all kinds of non-your-place-or-mine locations.
So. I'm asking for your input: what's proper condom etiquette these days? And, especially, do you think any more or less of a prospective partner that he or she has a ready-to-hand supply of condoms?
Good question! I just make it a point to always have them, even when I'm not sexually active. That way if someone else needs one I've got one handy. Sort of like breathmints...
If I don't have one on me and neither does the person I'm planning to have sex with, then we're going to get some, even if it's 2am and the only places open are gas stations and Wal-Mart. Otherwise it's going to be just groping and necking - which is fun too.
No one's ever thought less of me for always carrying them, but then I don't announce their presence unless it's called for. And if my partner's got a handy supply of condoms, so much the better; I can spend that part of the Nookie Budget on something else.
[Good point about alternatives when neither of you have them. I don't object to condoms but I never trusted them as a solo method of birth control. But as you say, well-intentioned groping and necking are pretty wonderful in their own right. Thanks, Sabrina. --fl]
I surveyed a man that I consider well versed in etiquette (and good sense) and he suggested both parties should bring condoms. In that way disappointment would not result from one party forgetting. Neither of us thought that being prepared would be impolite.
[That makes sense too. And with the new report saying almost flipping *everybody* has had "premarital" sex there's really no excuse for anyone being shocked that their partner would have their own supply. Thanks, Avalon. --fl]
If the man I was going to have sex with didn't have a condom, I'd reassess my opinion of him (negatively). Is he suicidal or HIV positive already with nothing to lose and no conscience? My ability to trust him would be gone.
What the hell is any sexually active adult doing without them?
[Most of my should-I/shouldn't-I condom experiences happened in the days before HIV. But back then we were probably all still a little squirrelly about sex anyhow. Anyway, back then the problem was if you said you already had some before you both agreed to have sex then the other partner would get this "what kind of a girl do you think I am" reaction. The "are you suicidal or HIV positive" reaction is a little more practical. Thanks, RG. --fl]
Men who are my age or older tend NOT to have them so I always carry them. Younger men, men who have been raised in the age of AIDS carry them.
Now bear in mind these are just a few men in my area I can not speak for all men.
I think it's proper and necessary for both genders to carry condoms.
[That sounds about right. I won't say whether I carry them or not... because I don't want to give away my age. :-) Thanks, Madame. --fl]
I carry one with me, because I buy the good ones ... but I haven't ever had to break one out when I wasn't expecting to. I think that it's true that a lot of guys don't carry them because they're hoping you won't enforce the condom rule. I was talking to a friend who recently had unprotected sex (a guy) and he used the excuse that he was just drunk and that's why he didn't use one, but it's not like you can avoid STDs or pregnancy because your swimmers are intoxicated. I chewed him out and gave him some condoms.
By the way, I don't think that bringing one on a date or out with you is presumptuous, I just think it's smart.
[Thanks for the encouraging words, Watergirl! And good for you for resupplying your friend. I only, ever, had unprotected sex once in my life -- meaning where *I* wasn't positive there was birth control -- and that was one of the few times I was ever falling-down drunk. And I still fret about it, what, nearly 30 years later? --fl]
The last time I was "on the market" was before herpes, but since I'm in a new line of work (and soon to be available), I will not only carry my own, I have access to boxes and boxes of them in the office. No excuse, huh? Full body shudder at the thought of how things have changed in 30 years! Wish me well!
[Not to be a downer or anything but you still have to watch out for herpes -- it's transmitted skin-to-skin and not just mucous-membrane-to-mucous-membrane. Since I'm not 100% sure who I won't name names but one of the major sex writers of the 1990s wrote that she finally got it, despite a condom, from someone who had an outbreak on his testicles -- she wound up with it on her perineum. Plus, of course, it spreads through kissing anyway. Point being that life is uncertain so you still want to ask. But there are still plenty of other things condoms *do* protect against. So I feel pretty confident wishing you well anyway. Thanks, Red. --fl]
"The diplomatic solution back in the day, by the way, was that once you agreed you were going to have sex you'd go on the pilgrimage together to buy them."
To tell the truth, back in the day, before AIDS, I had no idea where condoms were to be found (other than knowing that Planned Parenthood would probably have them, if one could get transportation to, and find, PP). I knew all about what the various birth control methods were, and all about their relative reliability, but where you got them was the one detail no one had bothered to mention. Of course, as soon as AIDS hit, condoms were visible all over the place. But I've been married for nearly all of my post-AIDS life, so I'm not too current on condom etiquette.
Eons ago in a high school sex ed class the teacher showed us a drawing of a circle on a piece of paper. Benign enough until she mentioned that the diameter of the circle was 10 centimeters and further explained that 10cm was the magic number to reach before trying to push out a baby. (I so hope that the male teacher did the same for the guys.) Those 10 centimeters were enough to keep me from sex for the next four years.
Before my first sexual partner, I developed a little mantra for myself as well as anyone within earshot including prospective partners: "Two lines of defense for every line of offense." (Yeah, sports were big in my hometown.) I absolutely refused to have sex without using two separate forms of birth control. The pill and a condom, a diaphragm and a condom...I'm sure you get the picture. I tend to be hyper-diligent. What's more is that I've shared that little mantra with everyone possible.
Since I was the one with the rule, and I assure you it was completely non-negotiable, I always took the responsibility to provide the contraception. I did have partners who were willing to provide as well, but I never expected that they would nor did their willingness to do so stop me from keeping an extra supply on hand just in case. In particular I kept a supply of condoms in my car, my purse, and my house.
No one has looked down on me for my personal policy; quite the contrary really. I've actually had some friends and family ask me to explain this concept to their kids, and have had no problem doing so. I also willingly shared certain supplies with others who found themselves in need. If anything there's been gratitude on a multitude of different levels from many different people, not just partners.
[Yup, and if you've ever seen a baby born (I've seen two) even that 10-centimeters seems awfully small compared to the size of the baby coming out. (Yes, they have shiftable bones in their heads that get squeezed down to that size on the way through, but when you consider what has to do the squeezing it's pretty heavy-duty.) As to that, though, a friend of mine said, basically, that while we naturally tend to focus a lot of attention on labor and delivery she said (after her second child) "it's really just one day -- the real labor begins when the child is born and continues till they leave home!" When I developed my fetish for contraception I didn't know much about labor and delivery but I was *really* concerned about responsibility for the next 18 years. So that was my motivation. Anyway, that's not saying one focus is better than another -- anything that draws attention to responsible sexuality, including responsible contraception, is excellent in my book. Thanks, Tortie. --fl]