In contemporary society we're expected both to praise the miracle of birth and deplore it as the wages of sin. We expect men to take cold showers if they get an erection, and to take Viagra if they can't. We encourage straight women to kiss in bars, and actual lesbians not to. We expect young men to have sex they're not ready for, and young women to decline it when they are. We're expected to say we like oral sex even when we don't, and to say we dislike anal sex even supposing we do. We're expected to buy sudoku books with bikini models on the cover and to read Playboy for the articles. We're expected to gradually lose interest in our spouses and not to have affairs. We're expected to stress about unplanned, unwanted pregnancy and to see stopping to put on a condom as unromantic. We expect to believe men don't read romance novels and women don't watch porn, even though there's maybe a 30% crossover both directions. If you're a woman you're expected to zealously guard your hymen up to the point you get married (whether you wanted to or not), and then upon receipt of a marriage license you're expected to turn around and let some guy pound away at it whenever he wishes (whether you wanted to or not.) Looking in another direction if you're a man you're expected to run screaming from the room if your wife puts her purse down too close to you... because your wife's purse might somehow magically "make you gay." We're supposed to pretend that women faint at the sight of blood, and ignore that men are far more inclined to. We expect women to depend financially on men and expect men to dump their wives for floozies at the drop of a thong. And speaking of thongs, we're told to believe thongs make women "sexaaay" while thongs make men "losers." We're expected to think a model is sexy if she's in a Victoria's Secret poster at the mall, and we're expected to think a mom in workout pants and a sweatshirt isn't sexy if she's in the same mall pushing a stroller.
And any time we don't meet those expectations we get jumped on by everyone from Dr. Phil to Paris Hilton, not to mention thousands or millions of people who have the same issues everyone else does but are desperate to pass as what they imagine to be "normal."
In other words sex is a serious issue that's seriously messed up.
So why do I blog about sex? The real question is why on earth more serious people don't!
Update: I found that Kate of [the now defunct Kiss and tell Kate --fl] has found an even more economical (though perhaps more regional) quote than mine.
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock
She uses the quote to introduce the rest of her post here.
Tags:
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Thu, 2007-03-15 18:57.
amen!
you've just said in very few words something i would like to say, but probably couldn't (unless in many more).
[Thank you, a.angel! --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Thu, 2007-03-15 19:33.
Nicely done, figleaf! I LOVE this explanation. It's so common sense it kind of hurts.
[Wow. Thank you, Amber. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Thu, 2007-03-15 19:35.
Hi Figs,
Check out Introspectre's post of 13 March for more views on this very same subect.
[Oh yeah, and she links a nice one by Rachel Kramer Bussel as well. Thanks, Janeway. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Thu, 2007-03-15 19:51.
There really is nothing more to add to that :) Fantastic dear and incredibly apt.
[Thank you, Jean. I appreciate it. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Thu, 2007-03-15 23:34.
well said. a black woman is kicked off american idol for naked photos on the internet, white woman not, for 'sexy' photos...but no one bats an eye that their nakedness on the internet has nothing to do with their ability on the show and should have no bearing on their eligibility.
[Excellent point. We could have a whole 'nother category of sexual double-binds non-whites are pushed into. Thank you, Heidi. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Fri, 2007-03-16 00:52.
"The real question is why on earth more serious people aren't!"
Because you do it so well, there's little more to be said!
I was looking at the f-word post about oral sex earlier and another double bind occurred to me - why the mention of middle-aged à propos women only? (Sensitive? - moi?) There are all sorts of these double, triple binds around for both men and women.
Good post!
[Yeah, remember back when we thought middle-aged men and women were practically geriatric? Excusable in the ignorant flush of youth, but too many people keep believing it even when direct experience shows them otherwise. Thanks, A. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Fri, 2007-03-16 04:39.
Sex is a serious issue, then again it's also a political issue, or can be, but I think marketing plays a role in a lot of the negative aspects relating to self esteem (for both sexes) and intimacy, and a large chunk of that relates to porn or overtly sexual imagery bordering on soft porn, that plays on the expectations that you've mentioned.
Sex, intimacy and everything related to those two things do deserve more respect than what they're given most of the time, and you do give them a lot of respect in your posts.
A
[I've studied enough about marketing to know they're generally better at exploiting pre-existing self-prejudices than they are at creating them. So yeah, I agree it's a problem that they exploit them, but it's a bigger one that we have these contradictory, and largely negative, social constructions that leave us vulnerable to it. Example: if someone says "does your livingroom slant?" you aren't moved to buy livingroom straightener. Yet if they say "your teeth are yellow" we get a twinge. If marketing *created* demand then livingroom slant remedies would sell as quickly as tooth whitener. But they don't. Know what I mean? --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Fri, 2007-03-16 17:11.
...And thank the gods/esses you do! You're one of the people I was reading when I started, Fig.
Keep it up, spread the word. Sex is too much fun to keep it stigmatized.
[Thank you so much, DN. We've come a long way, eh? Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Fri, 2007-03-16 18:59.
What a great post! Thank you!
[Thank you, Lolita. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-03-17 03:53.
Another great post. I have not read widely enough to contribute much to the gender debate, right to life controversy and other politically sensitive topics that you deal with so competently. I write about sex in my blog as a way of working out my own thoughts on my sexuality and the influences on the way it has developed. I also wrote a post recently about why I blog anonymously which I would welcome comments on.
[I think what you're doing, starting with the inside and working your way out, is the real power of great sex blogging, LR. Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-03-17 07:07.
Wonderful!
Amen, my brother! Testify!
(every once in awhile the Southern Baptist in me sneaks out.)
[Oh boy, me too. That and the Plymouth Brethren in me. And the Unitarians. (Hmm. No wonder we all enjoyed ourselves more Thanksgiving more than Christmas. :-)) Thanks, Ravenous. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-03-17 11:00.
It's damn hard to blog about everything. Maybe it's that long-term monogamous sex is a taboo subject. Or that once you're a parent, you aren't supposed to have sex, let alone enjoy it.
Maybe we're just having too much sex to write about it *grin*...
[Or all of the above. :-) About the monogamy thing, I think that might have something to do with our belief *not* that it's taboo but that it's supposed to be uneventful. (Hah!) And yeah, how 'bout that "but you're a mother" thing? Yeah, like that shuts down the hormones for more than, what, maybe 18 months max? Thanks, Heather. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Sat, 2007-03-17 14:33.
Like DN, you were one of my first and therefore I cherish you.
So your question then my dear, why don't more serious people blog about sex?
Perhaps because sex provides an arena where they can momentarily relinquish their mind and simply be. During my blogging time I blended the experential with philosophy and found it touched people deeply. Such intimacy has a price and I suspect people are more willing to witness than contribute directly. Being a reader is comparatively easy, the sharing, the responsibility that writing demands is fierce sometimes, especially if the words are spun from the heart.
Perhaps it would be informative to ask not why people don't blog but why they cease. Your answer may lie there.
With my warmest wishes,
Lena.
[Hey Lena! Very glad to hear from you too. I *hope* I didn't leave the impression we should philosophise *during* sex! Hmm... I think they tried that back in the 1960s. And look how that turned out! :-) I agree it's an interesting question why people stop -- my main idea, I think, is that once we say what we needed to say, and worked out what we needed to work out (blogging is wonderful for that) we can move on to the next thing and maybe start putting what we've worked out into practice. Other times the spammers and hackers just grind us down. Thanks, my dear. I hope you're well. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Sun, 2007-03-18 12:11.
So why do I blog about sex? The real question is why on earth more serious people aren't!
For a long time I clung to the faint hope that if I held off starting my own blog long enough, you'd come here and spank me. Doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon, so I guess I might as well get on with this blogging thing.
As you can see from the preceding remark, The Imp of the Perverse has been my constant companion for some time. However, He agrees that both you and Lena were the best sexblogging role models in the blogosphere.
Being a reader is comparatively easy, the sharing, the responsibility that writing demands is fierce sometimes, especially if the words are spun from the heart.[quoted from Magdelena's comment]
It has been said that the most important virtue is courage, for without it, one cannot practice any other virtue. You cannot even love someone properly without courage. Blogging, if it is going to be honest, requires courage, not only to put the private self on display but to confront those parts of the self you wish did not even exist.
So thank you, Figleaf, Lena, et al, for your courage.
[Thanks for your very kind words, Kochanie. You know I've already created an account for you on this blog. If you ever want to post something here all you have to do is ask for the password. Call asking a gesture of half-courage since even with a password you wouldn't *have* to post... :-) Also, would it make you feel better if I said I'd spank you no matter what? :-) --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Sun, 2007-03-18 23:43.
Excellent post, as always! You are so observant, and I really enjoyed reading a man's perspective on the culturally restrictive binds we put ourselves in. How sad that men are "punished" even more for not being "manly" than women are for stepping outside the boundaries. I can put on what is essentially men's clothing and walk down the street and no one cares. You can't put on a dress and do the same, however. And that's only one of a very long list of things you can't do without consequences, as a man. Being a woman who both likes and loves men, it is frustrating to have to fight through these things to find the real man underneath. When I do find one I can really connect with, despite all the cultural noise, he is always worth it.
[Well, first of all I think women are more frequently punished -- for instance it made headlines and buzz for a week when Coulter implied Edwards was a homosexual, but while 'winger Glenn Beck has been catching it a bit for implying that Sen. Clinton is a bitch for having strong opinions, the outcry is more notable for being the exception. (For instance people left and right routinely use such words, and worse, for Coulter, Clinton, or pretty much any other prominent women in politics.) I bring that up, however, as a reminder that wrongs are no less wrong for coming in pairs. What *does* bug me is that men, far more than women, seem resigned to the apish stereotypes foisted upon them. Which is a shame because, as you point out, Flora, a lot of men are actually kind of wonderful when they're out from under the parts they're expected to play on stage. Thank you. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-03-19 07:21.
Thanks so much for the shout out!
[Oh I was happy to do it, Kate. Thanks for the great quote! --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Mon, 2007-10-22 22:04.
This is a good piece. I think most of why I'm driven to write has something to do with the the way that trying to fit social norms causes me to be alienated from everything truest within myself. It's hard to be bold and true to self--even "just" in print.
[I know you were pretty frustrated before -- glad you have a place to channel it productively. Thanks, MS. --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Wed, 2008-07-02 23:37.
You know, for most of us, the most awkward stage in our lives was when we became one with our gender: that is, when puberty hit. I think it is so awkward because we have, even as children, gender roles scribed into our brains, and we don't ncessarily desire to step into them. Criticisms of sex and sexuality has been used as a tool to bash us around a bit, traumatize us, and devalue us. A sexual revolution isn't always about sex: its about disarming those who define us. Thanks for the awesome post.
-h
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-08-10 11:01.
it's real and unprecedented.
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Fri, 2008-10-10 16:50.
I loved the explanation. Americans have some funky notions about sex and all things carnal.
[Thanks, Jenn, I'm glad you liked it! --fl]
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Wed, 2009-03-11 13:19.
Well said! I must be crazy to Blog about politics at all. If this country were not so messed up, I would probably be blogging about stuff I was really interested in. Hockey? Blogging? Sex? All 3 together?
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Tue, 2009-04-14 22:14.
Good Stuff Figleaf, as always. Enjoyed your posts in the cafe, found you here and on twitter, catching up...
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Fri, 2009-05-29 09:50.
Actually this isn't so regional.
Here in my part of the world, you still learn God loves you and you're going to burn in hell, and that sex is probably the most awful filthy thing on earth--but you should save it for your husband (no, not "or wife"; rules bend for men), and what does love have to do with marriage?
Write on. The world needs you!
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Fri, 2009-06-05 06:34.
Hello,
How are you? I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. It's really well written, fun and always interesting. I wanted to get in touch with you for a few reasons. My name is Laura, I am a marketing assistant at Eden Fantasys. We are an online adult community and e-tailer. Over the past few years we have developed a wonderful community of contributors from everywhere. We offer open forums for them to discuss issues without fear of prejudice. We have thousands of customer reviews with material guides. We also offer online interviews with manufacturers, artists, social media gurus and many others. We also have an online magazine devoted to the exploration of sex and culture. It's fun, informative and educational. I find our community truly amazing and I love working with them all.
Over the past few months, the company has worked hard to raise awareness of what we have to offer and have been working with other great bloggers using fun promotions like contests and reviews. We also utilize editorial write-ups to spread the word and of course, to have fun too.
I would be honored if you would be interested in working with Eden Fantasys to help bring your community and ours together. Please let me know if that is a possibility you would consider.
Either way you decide, thank you again for your wonderful blog and I look forward to reading it in the future.
Sincerely,
Laura M
Eden Fantasys - http://www.edenfantasys.com
http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis
Twitter: LilDrummerGrrl
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Sat, 2009-06-06 06:45.
[Here from Friskbiskit]
Yep, that's about it. Another one -- straight women are expected to emphatically deny that they find two sexy guys together hot, while understanding that most straight men find two sexy women together hot. [eyeroll]
Angie
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Tue, 2009-07-28 13:23.
*Slow clap*
Bravo! Bravo! I think I will like this blog lots.
Submitted by 1253 (not verified) on Mon, 2009-08-10 11:21.
Very well said. Glad I found your blog!
[I'm glad you like it, MR. You're pursuing some interesting themes on your blog too. Thanks. --fl]
I have to say fl that I have
Submitted by Would be Cougar (not verified) on Wed, 2009-11-18 18:46.I have to say fl that I have read your blogs on and off over the years and thoroughly enjoy them. Its my ‘food for though’ place :)
Thankyou
Hey there, figleaf. I’ve
Submitted by Cristy (not verified) on Tue, 2009-12-01 19:38.Hey there, figleaf. I’ve read exactly one post and this explanation of your reasons for blogging about sex, and I’m already hooked. I think your summary of the expectations and insecurities we all suffer from is amazing. Can’t wait to read more!
[Wow, thanks, Cristy! You’re welcome here anytime. —fl]
I’m having difficulty viewing
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 2009-12-05 15:40.I’m having difficulty viewing your photos. They look interesting on this website, however, I can’t enlarge them for better viewing. Would love to see more. TC
Well-said! :D This, coming
Submitted by P. (not verified) on Sat, 2010-01-02 14:10.Well-said! :D
This, coming from a 26-yrs-old girl who lives in a fairly conservative society (albeit two faced lolz) where virginity of a girl is still very very important before marriage, who has been dumped for being too ‘straightforward’ by so-called boyfriends (who repeatedly told her they ‘loved’ her, probably only in the physical sense which meant they can force themselves if they will because they think they reserve the right), who still dreams of ‘THE ONE’ (however foolish does that sound), who sees nothing wrong with the word ‘sex’ (really, why!? I totally agree with your words) although she was taught from her childhood not to talk about ‘such bad things’ out loud infront of the others (specially elders, Oh NO!). The list could go on and on and on …
WOW I should stop now!
I came across your blog quite by an accident, ‘googling’ about something … I read some of your posts (blushing heavily .. ehmm hihihi) maybe wouldn’t have commented on anything (being totally honest here!) but this post you made, I found it really uplifting … Just so completely true.
I try not to be cynical about life. I am an eternal optimist (read ‘fool’ :D) and I try to keep an open mind though my judgements are sometimes overshadowed by my surroundings (read ‘society, parents, relatives’ etc etc etc etc).
If my post confuses you, please don’t mind. I just had to write something.
BTW: if your blog was about politics, environment, health issues, money or food, I wouldn’t even be here! :D
Thank you … Tata.
[Thank you, P! I’m glad you stopped by. —fl]
So sex is obviously a
Submitted by DominaDoll (not verified) on Tue, 2010-05-11 11:03.So sex is obviously a dichotomy, or the issues surrounding it. Do you think this is intentional via the media/government to confuse mainstream society, or to silence real issues and sensationalize others? Interesting concept that would be interesting to explore. Why are we repeatedly getting the same messages over and over?
BYW- Love your manifesto. Quite brilliant!
[Hey DominaDoll! I think it’s a mix — it’s a “conspiracy” by media, government, and church… but only to the extent the conspiracy is demanded by a majority of people. Call it the opposite of the old quip: sure, it’s a crutch, yes, but humanity insists it has a broken leg. :-) Thanks. —fl]
So nicely said, and so TRUE!
Submitted by LambChop (not verified) on Fri, 2010-07-30 07:14.So nicely said, and so TRUE! I’m “smiling out loud” at your post.
GO, GO, SEX BLOGS!!
Thank you! Wonderful
Submitted by Everblack (not verified) on Mon, 2011-07-18 05:29.Thank you!
Wonderful description about the dysfunctional view of sex in today's society! And as a European, I can only say this madonna/whore dichotomous view of sex has spread far beyond the US.
I am myself struggling heavily with the gender stereotypes that were instilled in me by a very emotionally impaired mother, suffering from borderline, who despised her three sons (of which I was the middle one) for having a penis, telling them they were the filth of the earth, that one day we too would 'force' sex on innocent girls, wreck their romantic illusions and enslave them sexually against their will. She punished us, physically and emotionally, for being predestined to become vile sex-driven beasts, roaming the world to sexually corrupt girls, who where only waiting for their prince. This went on from as far back as I can remember, every single day, her drunken ranting...
At the point of writing I am 1 year into my first serious relation (I am 29), and suddenly all hell broke loose in my mind, irrational obsessions and jealousy about my girlfriend's past whirl like a maelstrom around in my head. Luckily, my rational part quickly understood something's off the hook and I recently started attending cognitive psychotherapy. I have come to realize that I have always divided women into two categories - madonnas/whores, good girls/superficial girls, girlfriends/flings - and now that I've met my 'princess', and found out that she has also had experiences that I would have normally attributed to the 'loose' type, it felt like my entire world came down, shaking on its fundaments. I could not understand, how someone that was the perfect tender girlfriend for me, had chosen to be just a superficial fling for someone else. Why did she allow for some other boy to degrade her like that? I felt betrayed, and the line between the past and now vanished entirely. I kept on asking her whether she perhaps had sex only because she felt at the time this boy was the one for her, that she felt emotional about him. I was afraid of the answer, and I kept asking, trying to push her back into one of my mental boxes I had labelled as either 'good' or 'bad'. She didn't fit in there, and I couldn't understand why. I kept asking and asking her, casting moral judgments over her, pleading her to show me why she was more a 'madonna' then a whore.
Yes, I know how irrational it's sounds, and I despise myself for having hurt this wonderful girl like this. That's also why I have started psychotherapy, because I know I need help in changing this deeply erroneous, but very profound, notions of sexuality.
But I also know how many men think like this, and far more surprising to me, how many women do too. We seem to live in a society where still today - despite the constant flow of hyper-sexual MTV music clips, thongs for kids and an unseen accessibility to pornographic material - sexual reservation in women is somehow proclaimed as a virtue. For me personally, I was put well on this way by my own mother, I realize now, brainwashing us into believing men are bad and woman are good, and that sex was the parameter to judge this by. But it seems that even in more normal households, both girls and boys are fed this black/white vision of gender roles, which can only result into a very unreal and deeply flawed vision of the complexity of us human beings, perpetuating stereotypes and feeding them to children and adolescents. It's a vicious circle, which will cast many men and women into unhappiness, like it has done with me and y girlfriend.
I have always struggled with this dichotomy. As a late-bloomer, freed from the emotional prison of my home, I had some casual flings and after some of those sexual encounters I felt very confused. I had slept with girls who I thought could be 'girlfriend-material' to me, just to realize some of them only saw me as a one-night experience. I felt disgusted; how had I been so easily deceived by them? They made me believe they were saints, and yet they only were looking for superficial pleasure? I had heard from other boys and girls, that women only seek a man they feel good with, and that men are the bastard sex-driven animals. How then did my experience fit in this?
I am not proud of these developments, and it's horrible to come to discover that I have deeply macho-like, morally unjust and judgmental side in me. My psychotherapist has said I have internalized the voice of my mother, that she's now a part of me. Just the same, I think many men and women internalize the equally judgmental voice of society.
I am determined to battle them, but it's so hard not to fall into the dichotomous thinking. It sometimes requires all of my mental strength not to judge my girlfriend, although on a rational level I know it's unfair. But my affectionate learning process has deeply obscured reality, just as it has with the bulk of men and women out there. I only realized this while I trying to find people out there who had experienced things like me and I was struck by how the bulk of comments I found out there plainly fall into the madonna/whore-trap, preaching female chastity, blaming casual sex for the decline of society and so forth. Why don't more women come forth, unite and break free from this moral prison society has cast them in for all these years? Us - men - too should take the lead in this and resist a continuous societal push into categorizing women as either virtuous or uncontrolled, making them feel bad about their own sexuality. I don't only think it's healthy, I think society - males and a lot of females - will ultimately benefit from stepping out of the black/white thinking. I know how much me and my girlfriend have suffered, and only because we love each other so much and have been open in admitting that my irrational prototypes cannot replace the complexity of society, have we been able to deal with this, but it has taken a lot of tears and anger. I think we would all benefit from seeing the complexity of both males and females and not allowing any greater role for sex - however pleasurable it is to everyone - to be the decisive factor on judging how someone is, good or bad.
Thanks, Everblack. Our
Submitted by figleaf on Mon, 2011-07-18 11:49.Thanks, Everblack. Our parents can have a huge impact on us. Sometimes it takes as many years to unlearn what they've taught us as it took them to teach us in the first place! Counseling is a good idea because almost by definition we don't recognize the rules we take for granted. Good luck! --fl
Those are very good reasons
Submitted by Stella Omega (not verified) on Sat, 2011-08-13 22:27.Those are very good reasons for blogging about sex! So good that i will abandon my pseudonym's psuedonym.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!!!
Submitted by Lady Cheeky (not verified) on Sun, 2012-06-17 09:14.LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!!! oooo I wish I could steal it!!! lol xoxo
Our cultivated ignorance of
Submitted by Art Noble (not verified) on Tue, 2012-06-19 07:24.Our cultivated ignorance of sex is a part of the political construct we call the "pleasure/procreation paradigm." By keeping us locked-in, we do not look for an alternative, which I suggest is transmitting love. The paradigm keeps us divided, and as they say, divide and conquer.
I can't log on to see the
Submitted by Art Noble (not verified) on Wed, 2013-01-09 16:08.I can't log on to see the comments posted. I am denied access to a settings page. Can you advise?
Art
Not sure which page you mean,
Submitted by figleaf on Wed, 2013-01-09 18:18.Not sure which page you mean, Art. Is it this site? Another one that I link to? I mean, I got *this* comment so I don't think you mean this site. Thanks. --fl
I keep getting notifications
Submitted by Art Noble (not verified) on Thu, 2013-01-10 06:29.I keep getting notifications of postings on this site, but the last one I can see is mine? As long as we are on this thread I can see what you write, but nobody else. What I am not allowed to see is http://www.realadultsex.com/user/register. I have no idea what the heck is going on, but This is a site that interests me greatly. Check my blogs linked at www.thesacredfemale.com/blogs.html.
Art