Why I blog about sex instead of politics, the environment, health, money, or food
As a woman you were expected to zealously guard your hymen up to the point you get married (whether you wanted to or not), and then upon receipt of a marriage license you were expected to turn around and let some guy pound away at it whenever he wished (whether you wanted to or not.) Looking in another direction men are expected to run screaming from the room if his wife puts his purse down too close to him. We're supposed to pretend that women faint at the sight of blood, and ignore that men are far more inclined to. We're expected to say we like oral sex even when we don't, and to say we dislike anal sex even supposing we do. We're expected to buy sudoku books with bikini models on the cover and to read Playboy for the articles. We're expected to gradually lose interest in our spouses and not to have affairs. We're expected to stress about unplanned, unwanted pregnancy and to see stopping to put on a condom as unromantic. We expect to believe men don't read romance novels and women don't watch porn, even though there's maybe a 30% crossover both directions. We expect women to depend financially on men and expect men to dump their wives for floozies at the drop of a thong. We're expected to think a model is sexy if she's in a Victoria's Secret poster at the mall, and we're expected to think a mom in workout pants and a sweatshirt isn't sexy if she's pushing a stroller. We expect men to take cold showers if they get an erection, and to take Viagra if they can't. We encourage straight women to kiss in bars, and actual lesbians not to. We're expected both to praise the miracle of birth and deplore it as the wages of sin. We expect young men to have sex they're not ready for, and young women to decline it when they are.
And any time we don't meet those expectations we get jumped on by everyone from Dr. Phil to Paris Hilton, not to mention thousands or millions of people who have the same issues everyone else does but are desperate to pass as what they imagine to be "normal."
In other words sex is a serious issue that's seriously messed up.
So why do I blog about sex? The real question is why on earth more serious people don't!
Update: I found that Kate of Kiss and tell Kate has found an even more economical (though perhaps more regional) quote than mine.
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock
amen!
you've just said in very few words something i would like to say, but probably couldn't (unless in many more).
[Thank you, a.angel! --fl]
Nicely done, figleaf! I LOVE this explanation. It's so common sense it kind of hurts.
[Wow. Thank you, Amber. --fl]
Hi Figs,
Check out Introspectre's post of 13 March for more views on this very same subect.
[Oh yeah, and she links a nice one by Rachel Kramer Bussel as well. Thanks, Janeway. --fl]
There really is nothing more to add to that :) Fantastic dear and incredibly apt.
[Thank you, Jean. I appreciate it. --fl]
well said. a black woman is kicked off american idol for naked photos on the internet, white woman not, for 'sexy' photos...but no one bats an eye that their nakedness on the internet has nothing to do with their ability on the show and should have no bearing on their eligibility.
[Excellent point. We could have a whole 'nother category of sexual double-binds non-whites are pushed into. Thank you, Heidi. --fl]
"The real question is why on earth more serious people aren't!"
Because you do it so well, there's little more to be said!
I was looking at the f-word post about oral sex earlier and another double bind occurred to me - why the mention of middle-aged à propos women only? (Sensitive? - moi?) There are all sorts of these double, triple binds around for both men and women.
Good post!
[Yeah, remember back when we thought middle-aged men and women were practically geriatric? Excusable in the ignorant flush of youth, but too many people keep believing it even when direct experience shows them otherwise. Thanks, A. --fl]
Sex is a serious issue, then again it's also a political issue, or can be, but I think marketing plays a role in a lot of the negative aspects relating to self esteem (for both sexes) and intimacy, and a large chunk of that relates to porn or overtly sexual imagery bordering on soft porn, that plays on the expectations that you've mentioned.
Sex, intimacy and everything related to those two things do deserve more respect than what they're given most of the time, and you do give them a lot of respect in your posts.
A
[I've studied enough about marketing to know they're generally better at exploiting pre-existing self-prejudices than they are at creating them. So yeah, I agree it's a problem that they exploit them, but it's a bigger one that we have these contradictory, and largely negative, social constructions that leave us vulnerable to it. Example: if someone says "does your livingroom slant?" you aren't moved to buy livingroom straightener. Yet if they say "your teeth are yellow" we get a twinge. If marketing *created* demand then livingroom slant remedies would sell as quickly as tooth whitener. But they don't. Know what I mean? --fl]
...And thank the gods/esses you do! You're one of the people I was reading when I started, Fig.
Keep it up, spread the word. Sex is too much fun to keep it stigmatized.
[Thank you so much, DN. We've come a long way, eh? Thanks. --fl]
What a great post! Thank you!
[Thank you, Lolita. --fl]
Another great post. I have not read widely enough to contribute much to the gender debate, right to life controversy and other politically sensitive topics that you deal with so competently. I write about sex in my blog as a way of working out my own thoughts on my sexuality and the influences on the way it has developed. I also wrote a post recently about why I blog anonymously which I would welcome comments on.
[I think what you're doing, starting with the inside and working your way out, is the real power of great sex blogging, LR. Thanks. --fl]
Wonderful!
Amen, my brother! Testify!
(every once in awhile the Southern Baptist in me sneaks out.)
[Oh boy, me too. That and the Plymouth Brethren in me. And the Unitarians. (Hmm. No wonder we all enjoyed ourselves more Thanksgiving more than Christmas. :-)) Thanks, Ravenous. --fl]
It's damn hard to blog about everything. Maybe it's that long-term monogamous sex is a taboo subject. Or that once you're a parent, you aren't supposed to have sex, let alone enjoy it.
Maybe we're just having too much sex to write about it *grin*...
[Or all of the above. :-) About the monogamy thing, I think that might have something to do with our belief *not* that it's taboo but that it's supposed to be uneventful. (Hah!) And yeah, how 'bout that "but you're a mother" thing? Yeah, like that shuts down the hormones for more than, what, maybe 18 months max? Thanks, Heather. --fl]
Like DN, you were one of my first and therefore I cherish you.
So your question then my dear, why don't more serious people blog about sex?
Perhaps because sex provides an arena where they can momentarily relinquish their mind and simply be. During my blogging time I blended the experential with philosophy and found it touched people deeply. Such intimacy has a price and I suspect people are more willing to witness than contribute directly. Being a reader is comparatively easy, the sharing, the responsibility that writing demands is fierce sometimes, especially if the words are spun from the heart.
Perhaps it would be informative to ask not why people don't blog but why they cease. Your answer may lie there.
With my warmest wishes,
Lena.
[Hey Lena! Very glad to hear from you too. I *hope* I didn't leave the impression we should philosophise *during* sex! Hmm... I think they tried that back in the 1960s. And look how that turned out! :-) I agree it's an interesting question why people stop -- my main idea, I think, is that once we say what we needed to say, and worked out what we needed to work out (blogging is wonderful for that) we can move on to the next thing and maybe start putting what we've worked out into practice. Other times the spammers and hackers just grind us down. Thanks, my dear. I hope you're well. --fl]
So why do I blog about sex? The real question is why on earth more serious people aren't!
For a long time I clung to the faint hope that if I held off starting my own blog long enough, you'd come here and spank me. Doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon, so I guess I might as well get on with this blogging thing.
As you can see from the preceding remark, The Imp of the Perverse has been my constant companion for some time. However, He agrees that both you and Lena were the best sexblogging role models in the blogosphere.
Being a reader is comparatively easy, the sharing, the responsibility that writing demands is fierce sometimes, especially if the words are spun from the heart.[quoted from Magdelena's comment]
It has been said that the most important virtue is courage, for without it, one cannot practice any other virtue. You cannot even love someone properly without courage. Blogging, if it is going to be honest, requires courage, not only to put the private self on display but to confront those parts of the self you wish did not even exist.
So thank you, Figleaf, Lena, et al, for your courage.
[Thanks for your very kind words, Kochanie. You know I've already created an account for you on this blog. If you ever want to post something here all you have to do is ask for the password. Call asking a gesture of half-courage since even with a password you wouldn't *have* to post... :-) Also, would it make you feel better if I said I'd spank you no matter what? :-) --fl]
Excellent post, as always! You are so observant, and I really enjoyed reading a man's perspective on the culturally restrictive binds we put ourselves in. How sad that men are "punished" even more for not being "manly" than women are for stepping outside the boundaries. I can put on what is essentially men's clothing and walk down the street and no one cares. You can't put on a dress and do the same, however. And that's only one of a very long list of things you can't do without consequences, as a man. Being a woman who both likes and loves men, it is frustrating to have to fight through these things to find the real man underneath. When I do find one I can really connect with, despite all the cultural noise, he is always worth it.
[Well, first of all I think women are more frequently punished -- for instance it made headlines and buzz for a week when Coulter implied Edwards was a homosexual, but while 'winger Glenn Beck has been catching it a bit for implying that Sen. Clinton is a bitch for having strong opinions, the outcry is more notable for being the exception. (For instance people left and right routinely use such words, and worse, for Coulter, Clinton, or pretty much any other prominent women in politics.) I bring that up, however, as a reminder that wrongs are no less wrong for coming in pairs. What *does* bug me is that men, far more than women, seem resigned to the apish stereotypes foisted upon them. Which is a shame because, as you point out, Flora, a lot of men are actually kind of wonderful when they're out from under the parts they're expected to play on stage. Thank you. --fl]
Thanks so much for the shout out!
[Oh I was happy to do it, Kate. Thanks for the great quote! --fl]
This is a good piece. I think most of why I'm driven to write has something to do with the the way that trying to fit social norms causes me to be alienated from everything truest within myself. It's hard to be bold and true to self--even "just" in print.
[I know you were pretty frustrated before -- glad you have a place to channel it productively. Thanks, MS. --fl]
You know, for most of us, the most awkward stage in our lives was when we became one with our gender: that is, when puberty hit. I think it is so awkward because we have, even as children, gender roles scribed into our brains, and we don't ncessarily desire to step into them. Criticisms of sex and sexuality has been used as a tool to bash us around a bit, traumatize us, and devalue us. A sexual revolution isn't always about sex: its about disarming those who define us. Thanks for the awesome post.
-h
it's real and unprecedented.
you couldn't get a fair price right? but very well said...so much to say that reality sucks.....