Shrinking the gray area: silence is not sexy nor does it constitute consent
Most of the time a date-rapist knows exactly what he's doing. The so-called "gray area" isn't really all that gray. I'm going to say that, oh, pretty much all the time his victim knows exactly what he's doing too. The so-called "gray area" isn't very gray at all.
What perplexes me endlessly is that so many date-rapists are genuinely shocked by the charges. And that so many victims seem so uncertain about it.
I've got this little theory. It's called a romantic ideal that sex "done right" is wordless. Sort of like going to church. Or a funeral. Or the bathroom in a public stall.
People marvel endlessly about how so many people forego the pause to use barrier forms of contraception because it "breaks the romance of the moment." That even considering contraception in advance is so... so... *pre-meditated.* (And meditating about sex before having it is supposed to be a *bad* idea?) But I think the condom/contraception aversion is just the tip of the iceberg. The drop in the bucket. Not even the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Heck, based on reactions around the blogosphere (though not with my readers) just asking each other how you might want to deal with an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy before sex is a bit of a social gaff!
Yeah, a lot of people don't mind talking about it at all. That's great but, like the problem that 10,000 nice guys being as nice as nice human beings possibly can not having any influence on one guy psycho enough to shoot up a school, 10,000 sex-positive partners communicating clearly before hand has exactly zero bearing on the willful, naive, poorly informed or badly in denial partners who think sex should be had but neither spoken of nor prepared for.
Based on one clear-cut case back when I participated in an intervention shortly after having been a peer councilor I believe there really are "gray area" date rapes wherein the rapist naively assumes lack of resistance implies consent. But such very tiny parasols cast insufficient shade to account for the countless twilit date and acquaintance rapes around the world.
When my peers and I participated in that intervention in 1974 neither the term "date rape" nor the slogan "no means no" were known. I'm not sure it would have helped though, because simply waiting for "no" isn't enough.
It's time to ditch this stupid notion that ideal sex is all voiceless passion. Even the dullest poet or novelist could effortlessly knit positive affirmation into even the most romantic love scene. Even the thickest lout or the most delicate flower can recognize and appreciate the importance of the exchange of words.
And it's time to understand that even in a world that recognizes and respects "no means no," it's insufficient to proceed in the absence of "no." Instead one must seek, and the other must deliver an affirmative yes. And in the presence an expectation of a clear request and a clear response, then at least neither assailant nor victim can leave the encounter conflicted about what had happened. "Did you ask?" or "Did they ask?" can be followed with "No further questions."
Do me a favor. Do us all a favor. Spread the word that silence is neither sexy nor does it constitute consent.
Love this blog.
I would argue that honest talk about sex has been rare throughout human history. That most people, in most cultures, most of the time, regardless of how inhibited or unconstrained they were about having sex, felt unable to manage much in the way of meaningful discussions about it, whether from cultural taboos, lack of vocabulary, or just lack of practice. The idea of *nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean?* seems very ingrained.
Which suggests that the ways people are finding to discuss sex nowadays, honestly, openly, good sex, bad sex, awkward sex, novice sex, comfortable sex, insanely powerful sex, sex as victimization, sex as healing, sex as self-discovery, sex as we each individually make it part of our lives, and sex as part of the larger political and cultural sphere, all of this is something completely new under the sun. Is that insanely cool, or what? (Well I think it is.)
[Thanks, Matthew. I think we have to make sure that amids all our talk about *sex* that we take time to confirm that we and our partners are on the same page. But yeah, I think one big step in that direction is to be comfortable talking at all. --fl]
I daresay other people have told you, but I've just seen over on the f-word a report about rape on Second Life. You can purchase modifications to be able to rape other characters?
[I saw mention of it. I realize SL is a huge phenomenon but... I think I spend too much time online in real life to be very interest in cultivating a second one. Thanks for the tip, A. --fl]