Term of endearment or term of art?

I can't give you any insights because this is something I don't understand myself. Personally I don't see any of the scenarios you describe in your second to last paragraph as being what motivates the majority of husbands with hot wives. I guess I've never thought it through much but I would have just chalked it up to society's fascination with porn. Those men find it sexually exciting to watch men and women having sex and therefore, watching their wives be a "whore" having sex with other men. It's usually followed up with the husband and the wife having sex afterward, afterall.

Like I said, I'm clueless. But that would be my guess.

[While I'm not satisfied with the litany of answers I rehearsed I'm not sure about the porn angle either. Except, perhaps, that the interest in watching and/or hearing about it probably arises from the same place. For one thing the fantasy seems to go way, way back. It certainly predates the 1980s when porn really seemed to take off. So yeah, like you I'm just feeling like I'm missing something. And that it might be an important something. Thanks, DFP. --fl]

I do like the idea of watching my partner with another man, but another woman, not so much. I'd be jealous. The things driving that fantasy seem to be different from the things driving the male fantasies you describe: those guys seem to be getting off on the feeling of jealousy.

I'm clearly not big on repressed bi- or homosexuality either, if 'repressed' is the operative word.

Agree with Anastasia completely on the term 'hot wife'. Maybe the opposite is 'cool wife', in which case there don't have to be any unflattering terms!

[Yeah, I mean, does *anybody* identify to themselves as "a wife?" Hot *or* cold? In any sense more significant than, say, after high-school the average person identifies him or herself as a "Class of 93?" I mean, I don't think it's just male privilege that keeps me from identifying as a husband instead of a... well... me. If it is then I've got some serious reassessing to do. Also, excellent point about the choice of fantasy interloper. I've heard a number of women fantasize about their partners with another man. Which, I suppose, would make them "hot husbands" after all. Truth be told I suspect you're on to something with the "cool wife" thing. If we're culturally expected to be sexually imbalanced then it makes sense that men might fantasize about a "hidden side" of the partner who's coolth they (inadvertently) reinforce. Hmmm. Thanks, P! --fl]

For a discussion of a version of "hot wife" with disturbing racial overtones, see this post at Republic of T (http://www.republicoft.com/2007/03/27/iso-big-black-bucks/).

So not my fantasy.

[Oh yeah, there's a whole subgenre of interracial/hot-wife fantasies, often with a coercive or horrified-fascination element. Those really do seem to be based in outright insecurity, which in my opinion hightens the racial overtones that trouble us both. Thanks, Lynn. --fl]

"Passively standing by while watching their "hot husbands" with another woman? Not so much."

Actually, that is a big fantasy of mine. (Except without the cheesy terminology.) I love to think about my boyfriend fucking other women - and sometimes I'm present in these fantasies, and sometimes I'm not. I don't know WHY this is a turn-on for me; I just know that it is.

[I have this suspicion that it's not as rare a fantasy as the cultural narrative I've related suggests. Thanks for the data point, Amber. I have a feeling we'll hear the same from others as well. (Note: the cool thing about fantasies is that, barring underlying psychosis, there's no reason to have to know why we have the ones we have. Thanks! --fl]

I'm not too keen on watching a guy I'm really into with another girl, but the guy I'm seeing seems to be interested in watching me with another girl. I doubt he'd feel the same about another guy, which is a distinction that I guess I don't 100% get.

[I think his fantasy involves a different issue (though you're right that, logically, it shouldn't.) Thanks, Watergirl. --fl]

P.Burke link needs to be fixed

[Thanks, Five. Looks like there was a typo. I've fixed it. --fl]

I dont much like the term "hot wife", I'll give you that. But both me and my partner share the fantasy of the other having sex with another, regardless sex. Some times we want the other partner to be watching and/or participating, sometimes we just want to (and have already) just talk about it and relive it together afterwards.

I call it a fantasy and not simply an open relationship because it still maintains all the prickly sensations of a broken taboo; it's hot because we don't just do it, we fantasize about it, plan it long ahead, have hot sex because of it, and it is always a big deal. And that's not what I personally understand under open relationship, where one does things with others mainly for him/herself and not "because of" the relationship.

A simple reason on why we've come to accept the fantasy and decided to turn it into reality was that none of us had many different experiences with different partners prior to our relationship. We sexually grew together, and 'enabling' the other to experience new sensations with someone else is a gift we're glad to offer to each other. That's the "practical" reason. But why we like it? There are more things that get us off about it then I can count.

Thinking about it now, it must be mostly a mixture of getting off on the humiliation of it, on being jealous, sometimes within the limits of a BDSM-type power exchange, other times not. I find it hot to be "borrowed" and he finds it hot to "lend" me. He finds it also hot when the 3rd person we choose for me is one with a larger penis, he just gets off on "small penis humiliation". Not because he cant please me, just because its hot. No repression here either, he is perfectly okay with his bisexuality and so am I. But he just finds it intriguing when I am attracted to another guy. Yes, limits have to be set, things have to be cleared and discussed, and each time according to the moods of the phase there is a slightly different reason why he loves it. But it doesnt have to be a threesome. He can wave goodbye and tell me to have fun. As long as I tell him everything afterwards. ;) And me, I just loved the last time he went out and had sex with another woman, hearing everything about it, knowing how much he enjoyed it, it made me jealous and happy and proud and extremely hot and sex afterwards was fantastic. Isnt there something inherently hot at knowing your partner has a "market value", lame as the term may be? It sounds so bad to say it, but I have to admit that's part of it too.

Im sorry for throwing it all in there randomly and Im even more sorry for not managing to keep the size down, but I cant explain it any better. I just never wondered why before. The terms "hot wife" or "hot husband" or whatnot do sound silly. But we're here, we like having sex with others even when one of the partners isnt present, and by doing it we bring new energy into the relationship. Because primarily we do it for "us" and not each one of us for him/herself alone.

[Thanks for the detailed and not at all random reply, Dolce. I certainly hadn't considered the BDSM angles for your partner's excitation but they make at least as much sense as, say, Friday's classical-Freudian analysis. Or my wild-assed guesses. It's nice to hear your side as well since virtually everything I've seen (which isn't that much to begin with) is almost entirely about how it interests and/or affects men. Thanks again! --fl]

Hmm. Well, if we're discussing personal preferences regarding openness my partner's a weird one:

He's happy for me to sleep with other women separately from him, but WILL NOT have a (girl-girl-guy) threesome with me (no matter how I cajole - three and some years into it I'm over it but I was frustrated for a while). Not that I have had sex with other women BTW but there were a couple of times where there was potential.

I used to fantasise about seeing him with another woman but I'm feeling a lot more insecure than I used to and I know that would be a bad plan at this stage.

He's kissed other men for me and I find that incredibly hot. He would never have a guy-guy-girl threesome either, or sleep with a man, but I'd be keen on either :D

[Thanks for letting me know, Dana. I appreciate your perspective. --fl]

Getting my wife to have sex with me is achievement enough. The idea that she would have sex with other men because I wanted her to - and let me watch as well - is pure fantasy and not one that turns me on. But clearly it does for some. (See here for example - http://deesjoe.blogspot.com)

[From reading some of the "hot-wife" fantasies I get the impression a lot of them arise out of frustration rather than promiscuity or voyeurism. Not all, but a lot. Esther Perel points to other, more productive resolutions by the way. Thanks, Lapis. --fl]

Hi Fig,
I've come across this term on blogs, and adult sites, and I tend to associate with marketing terms, just to direct traffic. Like you mention (Men in Love), any form of group sex, even where a 'wife'/female partner/spouse/gf engages with other people, it's considered group sex, or swinging. There are swinger couples, where the husband/male partner enjoys watching his wife. So, yeah, there is that dilemma.What is she to be called? They may identify themselves as swingers, but on the Internet, there's 'hotwife'.

You're the only one who has clarified that term though, and thanks for that. From the responses I received in my post, I'm betting that many people wouldn't know what the term hot wife defines. I write about sexual themes, and even I couldn't grasp it, and searching the term in google brings up too many hits to delve into, many leading to pages that don't contain definitions.

My own personal survey of three people at home today (after I posted on it, and read your post), when asked how they'd define a person who like watching their partners having sex with others (wife or husband), came back with the term voyeur, together with 'swinger'.

[Yeah, it could be called a variation on swinging. It's worth noting that *as far as I can tell* it seem more often to be an individual fantasy than mutually enacted. Thanks, Anastasia. --fl]

Is this comment totally off topic? Not sure, but you got me thinking.

I posted yesterday a little funny about my site stats and the fact that I've gotten hits from "triple penetration gal" web searches.

A male friend of mine wanted to know what triple pen was, so I told him. He was disgusted and I told him "nah, don't be. To my mind it's just that some guys like to watch other men and this is a way to do it without 'teh gayness' entering the equation."

I do think, as I said in my post, that triple pen is quite unfair to the woman in question, whose breathing is interferred with, with all the other going on. Seriously.

Then I got into the whole tangent of women doing that for porn, which brings up the issue of getting paid for something that makes us uncomfortable, like working IT helpdesk for money doesn't make one uncomforta ble. Sheesh.

Thanks for letting me "get off" on this FL, honey. Sorry if it's off topic. xo

[Maybe a little off topic but I'm going to make a post out of it anyway, Blue Gal. Thanks! --fl]