Seems like a lot of people have been talking about relationships, relationship failures, the relevance of dating and hookups and one-night stands these days. (And this makes them different from other days exactly how? Um… except maybe a third-time’s-the-charm effect not much.)

Anyway, the third-time charm this morning came from Anastasia of Sexualité who has a thoughtful meditation based on the last time she slept (slept slept, not had-sex-with slept) with a man.

That last time I awoke in a car. I didn’t do anything frisky in the car, preferring to engage in the hot stuff outside, on the beach. We returned to the car after a marathon grope and make out session, to chill out and caught some kip. My idea of relaxation or sleep takes place horizontally, not sitting bolt upright in a car seat. I don’t really think about the last time on a daily basis; I don’t mark it off on a calendar. However, this last fortnight I’ve been thinking about it more.

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Shortly after that, I waltzed into the meaning of everything, and it brought one of the most popular books to mind, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

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Getting back on the track, a recent conversation returned to mind:

‘I’m great at casual!’ the person who said this to me reminded me of myself some years ago, and to tell you the truth I didn’t know what to reply. The last couple of days have taken me on a different route that’s had me return to the sexual equation. As much as I appreciate sex, the idea of casual anything has petered out. I think about it, and don’t know what to make of it. Can I or can’t I? It’s a question that has no real answer. I think I’m capable of having a random encounter, but another part of me questions this.

When it comes to relationships, I think the problem lies not in finding relationships that have meaning but in declaring relationships that don’t endure as meaningless. I think it’s an artificial distinction.

I mean, when you think about it Anastasia and I have a relationship. We each read what the other has to say and respond to each other in comments. We not only think well of each other but we also wish each other well. To the extent any relationship has meaning then ours does — even though we live a very large ocean apart, even though we’ll almost certainly never meet, even though we’re even less likely to have sex, even though we’re even less likely to live our our years together. And the great thing is I think we’re pretty content with the relationship as it stands, which makes it a pretty ideal one.

Obviously the kind of relationship we have either unique or exclusive to each other or anyone else. And my point is that just because it’s not “that kind” of relationship doesn’t make it meaningless.

I bring this up because I had some genuinely catastrophic breakups in my early days — when I feel in love I’d fall hard, and fall hard again when things fell apart. A big turning point came after my fourth “great loss” breakup when one of the first thoughts was “not two more years,” which was the time it tended to take me to recover. And once again it did take two years before I was ready for another relationship. But when that too fell apart, and the first thought again (after briefly contemplating throwing myself under a car that was speeding down the street that moment) was “not two more years!” And while in a lot of ways that breakup was the worst, that insight about time “wasted” in and after my relationships gave me a whole new perspective on what I’d been looking for, meaningwise, and what I had supposed I was looking for.

The time I spent in those earlier relationships wasn’t wasted at all. Nor, really, were they failures. And though each certainly made it easier to manage the next their meaning wasn’t the preparation or practice they gave me. They were just mostly wonderful experiences with mostly wonderful people that were failures only in the sense that our expectations were that “relationships” lasting less than a lifetime lack validity and are therefore meaningless.

Now before you decide I’m just being woo-woo all-one-love-yah, or that I’m saying we should all enjoy random sex with strangers and call it “relationships” I have one more point: A declaration that all relationships have meaning, even very short ones, tends to make one less rather than more patient with those who care only for the availability of one’s tab A or slot B.

[Note: From the other side, neither can we have much patience for those who seek to possess “a long-term relationship” without much consideration for whom they might have it. I’m thinking here about a former co-worker who, returning for a visit after a year, with outstretched arm pushed a huge engagement ring under everyone’s noses without once letting us know exactly who had given it to her. But that’s another story. —fl]