Spanky and Goofy sittin' in a tree
I mentioned Goose and Gander in an earlier post admiring, among other things, the combination of sensuality and silliness they bring to their BDSM and multiple-partner sexual encounters.
Along those lines, then, I'd like to highlight a point Greta Christina makes about the way we too often treat sex as if it were a job interview, a surgical operation, a tournament round, or a church service...
The thing is, sex -- both vanilla and kinky -- can often feel so very serious, all fraught and intense and laden with meaning and consequence. And while that can be lovely, it can also be a burden, adding this lead weight of self-consciousness and anxiety that really doesn't help the proceedings.
... in the course of just totally knocking two related issues out of the park: the negative connotations of spanking, and the embarrassment of being seen by others with "o-face" in a serious pean to silliness in sex.
But spanking is right on the border between the two. It's just transgressive enough to make you feel like a freak -- and it's just un-transgressive enough to make you feel like a dork. You can beg your partner to beat you, or stand over them with a whip in your hand, and feel like an outlaw and a rebel. But it's very hard to say "Please spank me" and not feel at least a little bit like a nerd. When you're bent over someone's lap with your pants pulled down, or caressing someone's bare bum getting ready to give them a good smack, it can feel like a crowd of invisible vanilla people is standing alongside, cringing and saying, "Ew, gross, you're into that?" -- while a crowd of invisible sadomasochists stands next to them, rolling their eyes and saying, "Oh, puh-leez. Give me a break." You get the silly feeling from both sides of the vanilla/pervert spectrum.
...
But that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is the connection between silliness and playfulness. The fact that it's hard to take spanking too seriously can create a certain freedom to simply enjoy it.
...
And when you come right down to it, any kind of sexuality can look pretty darned silly. When you think about any type of sex too closely and imagine what it might look like to visiting space aliens, it all can seem outrageously, mortifyingly ridiculous. Now, you can deal with the absurdity of sex by simply ignoring it and not letting it get to you. And there are times when that's the right thing to do. But there are times when it's completely appropriate to accept the absurdity, and revel in your inner dorkiness. And when you're whipping yourself into a sexual frenzy by spanking a bare bottom or getting your own bottom spanked, that might be a good time to start.
To this day I've regretted never making the connection between various partner's reactions to spanking-like activities, and I *seriously* regret (and someday hope to apologize) for sort of freaking out at the partners who hinted they'd get off on me spanking them. (This in the face of me being perfectly comfortable playing the top in sometimes quite heavy bondage games, sometimes with the same partners.) Anyway, Christina exactly gets to the root of why it's not the big, or exotic, or even particularly kinky deal it's often made out to be. (Mea culpa: that *I too* have made as big a deal out of as anyone else.)
As for how silly we look when we have sex? Particularly when compared to photographed or filmed media representations which are, by definition, dramatic reenactments rather than actual experience? Oh well, we've usually got a choice between looking good and feeling good. Me? Once you recognize where they're coming from, the shift of sensation from cerebrum to brain stem, the shift from facial expression to body expression? My, my that kind of "silly" looking is about as sexy looking as we can be.
Figgy, the spanko in me awoke at a very young age. I was spanked as a child by my Mother for any number of quite minor transgressions. She has told me that I was to be her perfect little doll. I was a tomboy. Her favorite implement was one of those thin wooden paddle toys that come with elastic string and ball. My Father never laid a hand on his children (to my knowledge). I’ve resented my Mother all my life for those paddlings. I’ve resented my Father for not caring enough to correct me. Go figure.
I can remember as a child being very fascinated with spanking. It was a subject that I would always discuss with my little friends. We would play spanking games. The funny thing is that I was the spanker in those games. Once I reached puberty, I forgot about spanking. When I was about 17, my best friend introduced me to a couple of romance novels, “The Flame and the Flower” & “The Wolf and the Dove” by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss. Oh my God. Those books fell open at the spanking pages by the time I was finished with them. I can remember scanning bookstores for only those novels that might contain spanking. That was my criteria.
For whatever reason, this obsession of mine was shameful to me. It didn’t dawn on me to even talk to my best friend about it. Heck, she was probably a spanko now that I think about it. I hid it.
I came late to legitimate sex by some standards, I was 20. It’s complicated, but from the time I was married until I hit 40, I’d never experienced an orgasm with a partner. And when I finally found a partner who knew what he was doing, I couldn’t orgasm without my mind being focused on spanking, not as the spanker but as the spankee. He never knew.
A few months ago, I finally found the courage to Google “spanking”. Wish I’d done it years ago. I’m not alone! I’ve read many blogs of people who are in a vanilla marriage and don’t have the courage to tell their partner about the need for spanking. Though I understand the fear, I’ve found that it’s far worse to keep secrets. You can’t totally give yourself to your partner, and they certainly don’t satisfy you. At least that’s been my experience.
I’m not a very submissive person; in fact I’m usually the strong one…the caretaker, the problem solver. I still have a hard time making sense of it all.
[Yeah, see, while it *can* be about submission, and while there's nothing at all wrong with it (sometimes a nice submissive partner is just delightful), I agree it can be about something else entirely. For the record my mom did the spanking in our family too, though even she stopped before I was in kindergarten. But while the idea of spanking someone or being spanked doesn't *directly* arouse me, having the opportunity to do things with someone who *is* turned on by it makes my motor purr. Thanks, Cathy. --fl]
The two most sexually liberating words spoken during my marriage: spank me. I was shocked when I half growled those words in delirious moment of passion to my spouse, and even more shocked when he complied. (I had thought of spanking, but for one reason or another, hadn’t said anything about it to him before.) Ever since we have had very open and honest discussions about different things we’d like to try without fear of ridicule or reproach. It certainly changes things up a bit when you both know that you’re safe to express your inner kink.
[Yeah, it's funny in an absolutely wonderful way. Thank you, Tortie. --fl]