The no-sex class: Dirty Sanchez and Donkey Punches
Just a note: I've been talking an awful lot about feminism lately but I just want to be clear that I'm really talking about me, my gender, *men.* I don't have a perfect interpretation of feminism (like any one human being male or female could in the first place given anything so vast and varied.) But because for once I sat down and started *getting into it* instead of just trying to get along with it, started looking into what's in it for me instead of just how to score points... I gotta say that whatever it is I'm getting it's making me really impatient with the status quo. And not just the status quo for women, and not just the status quo for (heterosexual) relationships, but the status quo for me, my gender, *men.*
Taking yet another look from this Rutgers study of feminism and sexual satisfaction.
Among all women, feminists have the best sex lives. In addition, feminism boosts sexual satisfaction for men, too.
LiveScience.com reports that this stereotype-busting study by Rutgers University psychologists Laurie Rudman and Julie Phelan found that men who have a feminist partner have healthier, more romantic heterosexual relationships than men who are with women who hold more traditional attitudes.
I'm loving that I can pull quotes about it from AOL of all things. See more here.
So y'know how on the really juvenile/tee-hee sex sites for men you'll read about things like the dirty sanchez or donkey punch where, during intercourse, the trick is to do something unimaginably demeaning or painful such that one's enraged or spasming partner's struggles can stimulate your own orgasm? Think about that for a second. You've got this partner, see? And you and she are having sex, see? And because you want to actually enjoy it you do something to her to make her buck and twist and roll her hips and clench her internal muscles around your cock. And because it's *incomprehensible* that she might actually enjoy it as much as you do you... *punch* her? Smear your shit-stained finger under her nose? Claim you've been fucking her little sister? And, naturally, then "hanging on tight so she can't fight out from under you?"
If you've been indoctrinated into the mass delusion of the "no-sex" class paradigm, the idea that women aren't actually interested in sex or capable of taking an active interest in it *for their own enjoyment* and not just yours, then dirty sanchez sex might be all the better sex you'll ever, ever get.
Gee, I wonder why maybe heterosexual feminists and their male partners have more and more satisfactory sex?
You've got this partner, see? And you and she are having sex, see? And because you want to actually enjoy it you do something to her to make her buck and twist and roll her hips and clench her internal muscles around your cock.
Now, being into BDSM, and being a Dominant in that paradigm, if I want that reaction, I simply say,
"Darling (or "slut" or "slave", whichever name she most enjoys), you may cum".
Which has the added benefit that I know she's definitely enjoying it.
I'm sure the D/s part wouldn't work for most people, but I think the central element is "give her a great orgasm", which is certainly not BDSM-dependent!
[tongue-in-cheek]
Careful observation has led me to conclude that such orgasms are accompanied by all the features listed, plus one or two others, such as, "oh my god", "that was wonderful", "you're the best I've ever had" and even, "let's do that again!" all of which increase the probability of similar results next time.
[/tongue-in-cheek]
[Without meaning to sound at all prim, I agree that *how* men choose to operate after realizing sex is interesting to their partners as well as themselves is far less relevant than *that* they do. And I say this not because I don't think particular technique matters but because so many people have such strong preferences for how they wish to be aroused that a) awareness of and b) discussion of and c) good-faith attempts to accomodate matter most. Thanks, SDE. --fl]
I've always wondered about those stories. Are there really that many men whose automatic response to getting laid is to try really hard to piss their partner off, or even hurt her, so they won't get laid again? Or is it that there are that many men who are so resentful at the fact that they're not getting laid that they like to fantasize about simultaneously getting laid and getting revenge, and make up all these imaginary moves to accomplish that? I sort of suspect the latter, because, perverse as it is, the former is even more twisted and perverse.
[Well, my contention is it's a) adolescent and possibly pre-sex mythology that nevertheless b) is based on an indoctrinated assumption that no real-life partner would voluntarily be anything but passive. Thanks, Lynn. --fl]
As a French speaking reader, I had to check on your links to know what you were refering too... and those expressions and their explanations are so gross and related to so basic macho behaviors that I got shivers running up and down my body... and not shivers from excitment... so far from that...
I had sex with more than 400 partners in my life (it can sound like a lot, but when you put into that some borderline personality disorder and a few years of total madness, it is not that bad...) and I never came across anything so awful... never ever, and believe me, I met all kind of stuff... and not all of that was what I wanted...
In echoo to your first commenter in BDSM relationship, as I am, but from the other side... never my Dom will act like that, no matter what... There is an ethic, a respect that nobody can cross without being a total asshole... and I feel that those perpetrating that kind of sexual acts should be taken to court as abusers and violators... and I am not too kind... unless they put on paper with their signature what they really want and entended to do, and that their partners had sign as agreeing to that.... What I doubt... so much... and so sadly...
[Yeah, it's not that some dom/sub pairs, or some sadist/masochist couples would never, ever engage in one of those behaviors but it wouldn't be done with the sort of incomprehension that's generally expressed when those practices are mentioned. (For one thing real BDSM people tend to have *actual relationships* with their partners even if the scope or duration are very limited.) Thanks, SeaRabbit. --fl]
I like to pull a rodeo move on my men - it's called "Steer Ropin'." I ride the guy reverse cowgirl style so his line of vision is blocked and I grab his balls and lasso 'em up tight with a heavy duty rubber band.
JOKING.
But see, it was kind of fun coming up with a "how outrageously fucked up can you be during sex" scenario.
Take something (intimate, pleasurable lovemaking) and put a 180 spin on it (ruined by an outrageous act!)
I often think up incredibly wrong things just to make myself squirm. It's like laughing at church.
[Oh yeah, or like those old Billy Crystal routines where they talk about getting, say, handling lemon juice after stapling your fingers together, and the punch line "ooh yeah I *hate it* when I do that." I'm *extraordinarily* glad you were kidding, by the way. Thanks, BK. --fl]
Slightly ot, but....
I think it was about the third time viewing the scene in season 1 of Dexter where everyone else is laughing at just such a scenario and Dexter is sitting there looking at everyone like they are crazy that I realized that 1) they are all laughing at a rape joke and 2) the only person not laughing is the serial killer. Which made that particular scene go from "maybe I'll fast forward through this part next time" to "God, I love this show."
[Wow, nicely put, Mickle. That is an interesting point. (I've got the first disk of Dexter in my Netflix queue.) Thanks. --fl]