Home › Blogs › figleaf's blog

No, really? Yes, really

Thu, 2007-12-20 00:09 — figleaf


Photo by Flickr user smiteme. Used under a Creative Commons license.

Several people have questions how serious the price-of-pussy convention really is. The photo of a “light-hearted” ad from a real jewelry company suggests that, whether true or not, it’s recognized enough among those likely to purchase such gifts to make advertisers believe that jokes about it are a way to move actual product.

From the same vendor see also the effect jewelry has on the gift-giver’s attractiveness.

So… short answer, no, not very many people directly believe “if I cough up dinner or a diamond then she’s welshing if she doesn’t pay me back with a roll in the hay.” But I think an awful lot of men believe the opposite — that if they don’t come up with “impressive” gifts then their partners won’t come up with impressive sex.

Actually I’ll take that back: the fundamental belief that relationships mean man contributes income so partner should contribute sex fuels maybe 99% of the classic “Men’s Rights Activist” resentment. You see it over, and over, and over and what’s hard for me about that is that if someone’s partner comes at her like she owes him then, yeah, over time that’s not really going to keep her actual libido working. Whereas other approaches that, say, acknowledged that she liked to fuck just as much as he did, and therefore something else might be the problem… a problem they could both work on together… might work (what seems like) miracles.

And finally? Finally, the people who really, really believe in pay-for-pussy relationships are “traditional” “family-values” conservatives who, oddly, think that “buying the cow” style mutual leverage and it’s inevitable resentments is more sacred than, oh, say, genuine love and attraction between equals.

Thu, 2007-12-20 08:29 — 1824 (not verified) #permalink

Wow, I can’t believe this is a real ad. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised considering…last winter there was a huge billboard in my town that was an advertisement for remote car startup, it said, “get her hot and ready.” Yikes!

About your post, where to start…I am a stay at home mom (don’t call me a housewife) and I am 100% financially dependent on my husband (I mentioned to you before that I work from home and it’s true and I’m proud of what I do but I don’t get paid), so I feel defensive when I read your criticism of the traditional family. An outsider looking at my family would call it a typical “pay for pussy” relationship (cringe). My husband works very hard to support our family financially, and I am very grateful for that, but even though I do not contribute income to out family, I also work hard and my husband appreciates all that I do. Taking care of a baby 24 hours a day is hard work! When my children were babies I was the one who got up in the night to feed them (I am the one with breasts after all) and after I was up half the night caring for a child my husband would leave for work while I slept. At work he got scheduled breaks and a lunch hour while I struggled to walk my dogs with a baby in a sling because both of my children hated riding in a stroller and my dogs really really needed the walk. I did get naps, but not at a scheduled time and even though everyone says “sleep when the baby sleeps,” I used that time to unload the dishwasher, prep vegetables for dinner and finally take a shower. Taking care of children is hard work! Now that my children are older (my youngest just turned 4 and we are not having any more) things have gotten easier but I still work hard and when they wake up in the night, it is me they want. I am not complaining, I would not give this up for anything. I don’t mean to imply that I am blissfully happy all of the time because no one can be happy every minute and of course there are things that piss me off like cleaning the bathroom which I hate doing. I also mow the lawn about half the time in the summer and I pay the bills from our joint checking account. I do these things because I can because I am home during the day.

You probably disagree, but I don’t think that women should be pressured to return to “work” after having a baby in the name of equality. Many families find that when you consider the cost of daycare, formula, professional clothing, transportation, lunches out, preprepared meals (because mom doesn’t have time to cook), cleaning service (because mom doesn’t have time to clean), it doesn’t make sense financially for mom to return to work. Mothers return to employment for a variety of reasons and I would never criticize other mothers for their choices, but if a mother wants to be with her baby, and her husband has a good job that can support that lifestyle, then there is nothing, nothing wrong with that. And it doesn’t mean that she and her husband are not equal, it means that they are contributing differently. I feel very strongly that equality between the sexes does not necessarily mean that we have to be the same.

About having sex only when you want to…I think that in a long term relationship it is sometimes more complicated than that. I do not mean to say anyone should ever have sex when they really don’t want to. There are times when I really don’t feel like it and I tell him so. I am very much effected by my hormonal levels and when I am ovulating I really want sex and my husband can barely keep up. Other times I could take it or leave it but when I am feeling ambivalent I usually say yes to sex for a variety of reasons. First of all, I care about my husband’s needs and also, I think that sex is good for me and good for our relationship. My husband knows the difference between dripping with desire and ambivalence, and he is very good at helping me get in the mood, and after sex I always feel so much better about life in general. Our sex life is a mutual caring for each other even when I am not in a “fuck me now” mood. Sometimes I just give him a blow job and then he goes to sleep (I do it because I love him) and other times we lay in bed together and kiss (he’s a good kisser) and rub our bodies together and finally have sex and other times I am dripping with desire and i can’t get enough sex, and other times I tell him I am not in the mood. I guess I am just saying that there is an ebb and flow to desire, and sometimes I have sex when I would just as soon watch tv but it is not because he is paying for my pussy. Oh how i hate that phrase. there you have it, my two cents, for what it’s worth. Sorry it’s so long.

[Just to be clear, after our first was born I was the “house husband” when my partner went back to work. And I know exactly what you mean about how much work it is. For instance hearing the first word, being there for the first push up onto hands, the first roll over, the first time crawling (followed instantly by the first time knock-over-the-wastebasket and first time climb the attic stairs!) are all interspersed with hours of sitting, or working with one eye and one ear cocked. And so on. So. That out of the way, I don’t have a problem with things working out where one parent stays home (I’d be a hypocrite if I did.) What I do have a problem with is the assumptions that it’s “natural” that the mother stays home, that the father works, that future mothers shouldn’t even learn how to work outside the home, and so on. Because that’s not just undemocratic, or unwise, or unhealthy. So you wound up in that situation sort of like I did — big deal unless one or the other of you, perhaps under pressure, insisted it couldn’t be any other way. Know what I mean? It’s not wrong to wind up that way, but it can be risky if something goes wrong and the stay-at-home partner can’t take over (or neither can the go-to-work partner.) Thanks, Mag. —fl]

Sun, 2007-12-23 20:17 — 1824 (not verified) #permalink

I have been thinking about this a lot and I have realized several things. First of all, the traditional family does not need to be defended by me or anyone. Yeesh, you’d think I was Mona Charen or someone like that. The way my family does things is working pretty well for us, I think we are all pretty happy although it has had its short comings. For one thing, I have always viewed this situation (me out of the workforce) as temporary but I am really worried about going back to work. My volunteer job will be good for my resume, but I am still worried and it will be hard after such a long time. I am sure that my husband has felt a lot of pressure supporting us although he is doing very well at work and he likes his job. I am proud of him and this discussion has given me a whole new appreciation for what he does for me.

I think what is important is recognizing that there is no one best or only way of doing things. There are many ways to raise a family or of course people can choose to not have kids at all. It would be dishonest for me to say that breastfeeding is not important to me. I believe that babies need to be with their mothers and I believe they need their mothers’ milk, but that said, many babies do just fine on artificial milk, although some don’t handle it well. Even so, many mothers find creative ways to earn a living and be with their babies or to provide their milk for their babies. That is not really the point, though. The point is that you are right, the traditional way is not the only way or even the best way and I think that this conversation is healthy. I think that if something is not working well, the solutions may not be obvious but talking about it is a start. Ok, I hope this makes sense, I have been thinking about it for awhile but now that I am sitting down to write, it is the end of the day and I’m less and less coherent by the minute.

Merry Christmas, Figleaf, and thank you so much for this discussion. If nothing else, it has helped me to appreciate my husband (who is wrapping presents) more than I did before. I should go help him.

One other thing, I think your children were very lucky to have you home with them. Also, I really respect that you had a vasectomy when you were 20. I friend of mine who has children and does not want any more refuses to have a vasectomy-he is just plain scared. I can’t blame him for feeling that way, but I respect what you did. Ok, enough said.

[Thanks for all your kind words, Mag. I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas. —fl]

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.