Lap Dances and the "No-Sex" Class
Photo by Flickr user polandeze. Used under a Creative Commons license.
I've been meaning to say something about this for a few days but Rebecca Drury** of iVillage sort of answered whether or how easily women can have orgasms by "lap dancing" a partner.a question about lap dancing.
Want to make your guy go gaga? It's not just about what you do in bed that counts. Sure, great sex technique will make you a star in his eyes, but knowing how to tease him will make you a legend. Don't believe us? In The Little Bit Naughty Book of Lap Dancing for Your Lover
, real-life exotic dancer Rebecca Drury spills the seven secret — and really sexy! — steps that work on every guy, every time. You can thank us later.
Short answer: nope, it's all about him. Slightly longer answer: Well, there's always vicarious pleasure. Because, you know, merely great sex technique might not be enough to keep him interested. And we know that's true because the *only* reason women do *anything* having to do with sex is keeping up with *his* enjoyment because....
Well, because why on *earth* would a member of the "no-sex" class have anything to do with sex at all? If it wasn't to keep him interested in all the stuff you'd rather be doing, I mean. That and keeping him around so you can have his babies too.***
Anyway, I've neither received nor seen a lap dance before, and the fact that I haven't may not make me the best at assessing these things, and so if you've received or given or watched someone else in a lap-dancing situation feel free to chime in. But! Let's take a look at the seven moves and see what, if anything is in it for you *for you.*
The Grinding Circle. Hmm standing too feet away. Back turned. Gotta do it right or "you risk impersonating a sumo wrestler!" (Her exclamation point not mine.) Not exactly much contact there although engagement of the adductor muscles of the thigh, the tendons of (which some studies suggest) might be connected to the clitoral crura... nah, this sounds mostly like trying to be eye candy.
The Turn. "...Lap dancing is about showing off all your assets, so remember to turn around occasionally." Warning: practice, practice, practice -- if you turn in the less "natural" direction you might be doing it wrong! Also "As far as possible, try to keep your lover in your gaze as you turn." (Is that what happened to Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her
The Slap and Tickle. "Turn your back to your audience and, with straight legs, bend forward slightly, look back at him coquettishly and stroke or lightly slap your bottom. I guarantee this will make him smile." If he doesn't smile you can "brazenly" open your legs more, bend over, and " Slap your bottom hard. Repeat on the other side." Don't get me wrong, this is all cool if you enjoy it and he enjoys it. Because it would be awkward if you weren't into spanking yourself, and he wasn't into it either. Still no contact for you though.
The Lap Dance Grind. "Now bend your knees, keeping your back straight, and gently put your hands on your partner's knees. Lower your bottom toward his lap so that you can just feel his crotch on your skin. Then, keeping your hands on his knees for support, grind down gently, moving your hips in a circular or forward-and-backward motion." That *might* be getting you somewhere in your actual sort of genital-like anatomy... but fear not, there's more stress to the rescue! You've got to look over your shoulder while you do, and if you do it wrong "...he'll never trust you to dance for him again!"
The Breast Stroke. "...push your breasts toward his face; his nose should be nestled in your cleavage." Because cleavage is where all the best nerve endings are. Also "Keep moving in a provocative way throughout." Because even with his head buried in your cleavage he might lose interest if you don't. Actually I'm being unfair. It's ok to contact one of your erogenous zones... with the end of his nose... through your bra... "or nipple.****"
Knee Strokes. Why, exactly, might there be no warning *here* about possibly hurting him, as opposed to the warning for "Lap Dance Grind?" Because I'd think he'd be a lot less likely to trust you to dance for him again" because it seems like you'd be a lot more likely to slip catastrophically (for him) while you "...gently put a slight pressure against his groin with your knees. Lean toward him and blow gently into his ear or on his face. You could even exchange a mouthful of wine with him or pour champagne from your nipples into his mouth..." Gee, I wonder if it might have something to do with the fact that, unlike the Knee Grind Stroke, the Lap Dance Grind might actually stimulate some of *your* parts?
The Body Slide. Possible full-body contact as you slide down his torso to your knees. Might be why there's another "careful here!" here.
I dunno. Can I just suggest move a move #8 in case Drury has a sequel planned?
The Give a Little / Get a Little / Or Maybe Both Give and Get a Lot. After any or all of the previous moves, during which you don't actually worry so much about whether you're doing them all right as long as it feels good for both of you then
- Lean over, however sexily you prefer and press his knees together
- Put your hands on his shoulders or the back of his chair
- Lean your head towards his so your foreheads are touching
- Look into each other's eyes with happy, horny, knowing looks
- Straddle his closed legs
- Start to kiss him
- In time to the music or not, inch your way closer and closer to him
- Enjoy the way he's kissing you back
- Wrap your arms around him and pull him towards you, pressing your breast against his chest if that feels good to you
- Take his hands and move them down to your hips, encourage him to stroke and caress your ass first if that's what either or both of you enjoy, but you'll want your hands there to help support and brace you when you
- Press your vulva gently but firmly against his cock through whatever layers of clothes you have left between you so that you've got good contact with your clitoris.
- In time to the music or not, continuing the kisses or not, rock and roll and surge your hips so your clitoris rubs up and against the length of his cock exactly the way you like it.
- Keep doing that until you're both exquisitely ready to move on to something else, or till one or both of you has a nice kit-riffing climax.
Crazy I know.
[** Oddly the author of the book and the author of the article appear to be the same individual. Not necessarily a bad thing but it's sort of a convention to say something like "Full disclosure, I wrote the book." --fl]
[*** Which, duh, isn't saying people shouldn't enjoy pleasing their partners. Also that, duh, there's anything wrong with wanting or enjoying children. Just article after article after article leaves the strong impression that women should be content with nothing more. Which... isn't exactly true. --fl]
[**** If you're a slut that is. iVillage categorizes this whole article under Sex/Taboos/Fantasies. --fl]
I think the slashes in the category "Sex/Taboos/Fantasies" pretty much say it all.
And I like your way much better. :) Aside from actually being fun, it doesn't have so many damn "do it this way or be wrong!" notes. This ain't rocket science; if you're not wearing much clothes and you're grinding crotches, no man who deserves the dance is going to be thinking critically at all, let alone comparing you to a sumo wrestler.
(Because OH GOD NOT FAT.)
[Yeah, listing "fantasies" under "taboos" is a little, um, no-sex class? And for the record, I think unless she's really into it it's fine to skip steps 1-7. Thanks, Holly. --fl]
Something I've been wondering for a long time now but never really found a good place to mention it, so I'm saying it now merely because it ties into your last footnote... how on earth does the no-sex-class paradigm account for the word "slut", anyway? If women don't care for sex but this is a common enough epithet to hurl at women who supposedly do, then, um... doesn't that make the whole thing completely implode? Only thing I can think of is that it's supposed to keep women from doing something that they can't help not doing even though they don't like it - but has does anyone actually think that way? It seems unlikely.
[The trick is there's a prescriptive and a proscriptive side to the dominant paradigm: there's what you're *supposed* to be like, and there's what happens when you're not. "Shame on you for not having the nature we say you do" is perfectly consistent, and "slut" is a marvelously short-hand way of saying that... in order to *enforce* that. (Because, historically, look at what's permitted to befall those who become "sluts.") And for the record? Yeah, I think it ought to implode on its own, but if it won't I'm committed to undermining it till it collapses. Thanks, Nightfall. --fl]
I have rattling around in my head, partly as a result of some posts here, partly as part of independent processing, a post on the basic subject of "The only sexual woman is a broken woman." It'll get out as soon as it accretes enough aggravation.
I posted a comment recently -- can't remember where, unfortunately, as it's part of the genesis of this thought -- that went something like, "Remember, the only options for women are 'madonna' and 'whore'. And as we all know, whores aren't real women; thus, real women don't have sex."
[Riiiight! Like *madonas* are real either. I'm looking forward to your post. What's really wierd, by the way? The notion that you get called "aggressive" or "adventurous" just for wanting to start something instead of waiting for your partner. I mean WTF? Thanks, DH. --fl]
In my experience, the word slut has the connotation of a woman who lets men use her for sex, not of a woman who likes sex herself.
The word often gets thrown around (at least in high school) by jealous peers. Usually they are jealous of the male attention that the receiving girl gets. The label implies that the attention is because she sleeps with them (as opposed to them being interested in her). She sleeps with them because she wants the attention, not because she likes having sex.
[That actually fits my admittedly-alternative definition as someone who has more sex than he or she really wants to and/or enjoys due to external influences.. As opposed to "prudes" who restrict the amount of sex they have due to external influences. Or "normal" for people who feel comfortable having sex when they want to and declining when they don't. :-) Thanks, Christina. --fl]