Photo by Flickr user mtsofan. Used under a Creative Commons license.
Sexual “awakenings.” Ok, so inside the dominant paradigm it’s almost a foregone conclusion that women will just go lumping along through life, pressing wildflowers and talking about her feelings, and maybe vaguely dreaming of the day their prince will come… until someone, generally a man, comes along and “awakens” her sexuality.
Things are bound to have changed by now but at least back in my youth such “awakenings” were a staple of the earthier romance novels. Often a good bodice had to be sacrificed, often accompanied by a solid “how dare you” and a couple of furious slaps… that are quickly followed, one way or another, in more detail or less, by “getting it.” Eternal gratitude, plus exquisite china patterns, followed.
But gee, Ms. Inconspicuous of The Seduction of Infidelity says it’s not that simple
Some women find themselves “awakened” to their sexuality—going through life on a low-libido kind of keel, only to experience a sort of sexual renaissance later in life.
Others remain on the same level forever—either low, average or high. As long as I can remember, I’ve been a sexual being in some way, shape or form
So… predictable figleaf pattern here would be for me to wax all poetic or wroth or something about women and the “no-sex” class, but I’m going to ask instead where the notion comes from that, as members of the sex class, men just automatically come activated right out of the box.
I ask because while I don’t remember a specific “oh yeah, that was it” moment I have a couple of other, very distinct ones including an invitation when I was six from a girl around my age who coaxed me to explore behind an old building in our neighborhood. Another was the not-quite-innocent-but-close realization that if the women’s swimsuits in the Sears catalog said “pull up briefs” it implied they could also be pulled down. And another moment, in my early twenties when a partner said “if you keep kissing me like that you can have me,” and again in thirties, when a partner put my arms to my sides and said “I’m doing this.”
So… thing is I couldn’t pick just one of those… or one of the other “awakenings” that kept springing to mind while I was getting supper ready. And I couldn’t pick one because, really, I’m pretty sure even the earliest ones I can remember aren’t the awakening, nor do I think the first one was probably much of a big deal.
But here’s the thing: each one of those things wasn’t so much an awakening as a reawakening. A new window opening letting in more light, a new door opening to a corridor of discovery. Sometimes I found them myself, other times I was shown.
Feel free to call my bluff on my next assertion but… I’m guessing that to the extent someone’s sexuality gets “awakened” it’s probably an experience similar to mine, and not so much like the fabled “Oh Captain Kirk, what is this thing your people call ‘sex?’” moment.
Of course I really am inviting you to call my bluff. I just saw that snippet from Ms I., and thought it sounded familiar, and thought I ought to ask. So. Opinions? Did you have a moment where you’ve felt “awakened?” Was it a one-time deal or was it for you, as it was for me, more of a series of reawakenings?
Submitted by 2168 (not verified) on Sun, 2008-05-18 22:34.
I distinctly remember mine. And prior that that partner that guided me (unknowingly) towards the light, I know there was a fire inside of me before then...just wasn't sure how to use it and not hide it from my partners. Maybe its because I'm in my 40s now, but I'd never hide it anymore.
[Thanks, Bellacara. I know you're not into living the lie you grew up with. --fl]
Submitted by 2168 (not verified) on Mon, 2008-05-19 02:36.
Figleaf, I think my experience mirrors yours! When I was small I could not put a label on what I innocently and instinctively felt. Then there was that delightful process of discovery as a young person. Lately, I've studied the whole subject much more closely and at times I have been reminded how exquisitely nice intimacy can be!
[Right! And just to be clear, it's not that "awakening" never happens, it's that it's not universal for either gender, nor is it exclusive to only one. And yes, by the way, intimacy just rocks. Thanks, Avalon. --fl]
Submitted by 2168 (not verified) on Mon, 2008-05-19 12:30.
:) Hey, look at that.
I didn't mean to be exclusionary towards men, of course, but I can only write from the spectrum of my own experience. ;)
I think a realization of sexuality as a part of one's being is probably more akin to the realization one may have that they are no longer shy--or that their hair has grown too long since their last haircut. It happens gradually, but all of a sudden it reaches a point--you wake up one day and *notice* it.
[Oh no, I'd guess pretty confidently that no one's ever even mentioned sexually-awakened men in your hearing -- it's never been mentioned in mine. So your way of putting it was totally appropriate. Thanks, Ms I. --fl]
Submitted by 2168 (not verified) on Mon, 2008-05-19 16:58.
I was not interested in sex-- tried masturbation, but had nothing there for it, if it makes sense-- until I had a boyfriend. In my head, the word was quickening. I had very little before then, and then I had... backrub days in choir became someone is touching my back like he did. That sort of thing.
The thing is, I also quiesce after a while. I wind down, turn off.
This is why I call myself bi if it comes up-- no, I'm not terribly interested in women, but I wasn't terribly interested in men until I had one. It hasn't been ruled out yet.
[Good point about not just awakening but also quieting back down again,Diatryma. Also interesting point about why you say you're bi. Thanks for dropping by. --fl]
Submitted by 2168 (not verified) on Mon, 2008-05-19 19:37.
I don't recall an awakening for my childhood sexuality; I don't ever remember not having one.
I very distinctly recall one for my adolescent sexuality, because it was such a pronounced difference, under conditions that made it measurable. We (IIRC, the whole ninth grade) were on an afternoon field trip one autumn day a couple of months after I turned 14 (and thus a couple couple months after I got my first period) - on the bus on the way to where we were going, I was the same as ever; on the way back, I was hyperconscious of the boys (not, I think, every single one of them, but lots of them) in a completely different, markedly erotic, way. Aha, sez I to my intellectually precocious self, that'll be the hormone shift [my doctor] told me would happen.
As can be inferred from this, I don't recall any instance of "awakening" by another's agency - not in the sense of having been dormant or unaware before that.
(I've grown used to reCaptcha's oracular nature and don't usually bother to note, but this one seemed to apt it was what tipped the balance on whether to post: "his floral".)
Sunflower
[Hi Sunflower. Right -- it's not that we don't wake up to stuff, it's that we're not necessarily, or unilaterally, "awoken." --fl]
Submitted by 2168 (not verified) on Mon, 2008-05-19 21:28.
For me, as you might guess, my sexual awakening(s) are all tied up with my kink awakenings - from the very first times watching Doctor Who and the like, aged 5-9, and enjoying the Doctor's assistant being captured by the baddies and tied up and menaced. Then aged 11 playing rough-and-tumble chase games and suggesting that the penance for the captured victim should be being stripped naked. Aged 14, being propositioned by "Vikki" in art class (no "awakening" then, just fear and turning away from it, but still a step). Discovering that it's okay to be kinky was a pretty major awakening, of course - but that took at least 5 years of different revelations.
[Thanks, SDE. --fl]
Submitted by 2168 (not verified) on Tue, 2008-05-20 02:38.
Well, for me, they were *a*sexual awakenings, but definitely the idea of there being several distinct points in time that I can look back at and see a shift in my awareness of self or of others, resonates with me as well.
I do not know if the same would be true of an asexual who did not desire relationships, but I suspect they also would trod a similar path towards self-discovery.
As for the form of these revelations, I think I like ms. inconspicuous' description best -- occasionally there is a sharp shift, but most of the time I'm just pausing and putting into words something I have been slowly coming to the realization is true.
[I guess it works for asexuals too. Cool. Thanks, Sara. (It's ok to include your URL, by the way. I think your cookie got unset.) --fl]
Submitted by 2168 (not verified) on Tue, 2008-05-20 13:17.
I, too, have some difficulties with the "awakening" cheese that gets spread around in bad romance and erotic fiction, mainly because it perpetuates the myth that a woman needs some guy to come along and activate some dormant sexual tigress, like it was some "sleeper" agent that the commies sent here during the Cold War waiting for the phone call that would wake it up.
However, I can't accept the fantasy that experience comes with any preattached, prepotent meanings, either. Sexual response is learned, and like any other kind of learning, some get turned on by it and thirst for more, wanting to become more knowledgeable, and others don't.
I guess I would compare it those early days of smoking pot, when you're not sure if you're "high" or not. "No, I don't think I got high," you say. "My head just feels weird, my mouth is dry, I have the munchies, and everything is funny as shit." Someone has to tell you, "Man, you're stoned out of your mind" before you understand what the experience means.
["I can't accept the fantasy that experience comes with any preattached, prepotent meanings, either." Good point. I should have mentioned that that's Side B of the "awakening" fantasy -- that the awakener, almost always a man, lights her fire because he *already knows how.* Thanks! --fl]