Foreplay: Gender Under Construction
Audacia Ray of Naked City: a Village Voice blog about sex posts about something near and dear to my heart: how much of the need for foreplay is biological and how much is just situational.
This lede is, apparently, not a joke:
Predatory women are destroying the sexual confidence of young men in Ireland -- with some men as young as 20 now turning to Viagra to prop up their flagging libido.
A growing 'ladette' culture of women who prefer instant action is proving so intimidating that more and more young men are taking the blue pill to cope.
This from the Independent, which expresses not just concern about the fragile young men, but horror at the behavior of young women, who are acting like men!
Read the quote in context here.
Well this kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it?
The only reason men have a reputation for being "always ready" is that, um, since we're assigned the traditional role of initiators that's meant that *by definition* if we weren't ready we weren't initiating.
And when people say women are "acting like men" what they mean is "women aren't waiting for him to make the first move."
A corollary, by the way: when you say "welcome to what women experience all the time" a big part of what you're saying is "men are having to deal with initiation when they're not ready."
But here's the stupid thing: if you define "needs propping up" as "needs help getting in the mood" then...
Ok, *two* things. If you define "needs propping up" as "needs help getting in the mood" then...
1) "Foreplay," which originally meant "stuff he's got to do to get her ready for sex" stops looking so gendered since, *surprise* it's as much a function being initiated upon when your partner's already in the mood rather than something intrinsic to complicated or jury-rigged "lady parts."
2) It's an opportunity for women to play, instead of the traditional be "played with," which has those gendered undertones of "play catch up." And it's an opportunity for men to learn to be played with as well as to play. Which, if you try it, is actually pretty awesome... *if* you don't trip over the idea that men are failures if they're not always johnny on the spot.
Ha ha!
Oh noes teh NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS is being overturned! Ye gods the dirty sluts - women enjoying and even initiating sex!
Suffice to say - agree entirely with your post.
The tiny penises! That's what is at stake here! Won't someone think of the poor tiny scared little penises??!
[Yup. People seem to confuse looking limp with looking small. It doesn't really work that way... but then since the idea seems to be that one's partners are never supposed to *see* you that way maybe... eh. I don't know. If I was into guys I'd be *very* into making, and watching, them grow instead of never knowing, or knowing how to do it myself. Thanks, Valentina. --fl]
The actual article makes me quite mad, yes...
and your response was great (and good for me not to start spewing flames out my fingertips.)
[Thanks,Athena. --fl]
Unlike everyone else here who is laughing, I can actually sympathize. See, I find foreplay horrifically boring. I would so so so so so much rather already be in the mood before we start. If I had a magic pill that could do it for me I would be taking it every time. And don't anyone try to tell me the reason I don't like foreplay is because my partners "aren't doing it right" - they're doing things other girls like just fine, just not ME. Booooooring. I like fucking. That's what I like. And sucking. And, ok, maybe some biting and spanking... but even that feels better when I'm ALREADY horny.
[Hey Plymouth! "I would so so so so so much rather already be in the mood before we start." Exactly! The trick is that for men-as-initiators that's seemed like a no-brainer. Except that we typically don't think of mood leading to initiation and steps taken once you've decided to initiate but before you actually do as "foreplay." But it makes a big difference for men *or* women. Another good point you raise: not *everybody* fits the standard "girl" arousal model... especially if like you they take a much more active and direct role. --fl]
I thought I was weird---I liked a lot of foreplay for the more emotional stuff attatched to it, but it never actually got me turned on. Thus I became accustomed to a very low level of arousal during sex and extremely painful intercourse (even after HOURS of foreplay) for years.
...then I realized that I like everything involved with foreplay, but only if I'm hitting my partner with flat wooden objects and he's trying not to cry at the same time. After five minutes of that I'm ready for just about anything.
[See! That's just such a perfect point about "foreplay." It's not that women (or, as this article makes clear, women *and men*) need *specific* activities to "get us ready." It's that we need to get it that the stuff we do to get ready actually *turn us on!* As my old middle-school band teacher put it, "practice doesn't make *anything* perfect unless it's perfect practice." Thanks, Valentina. --fl]