Home › Blogs › figleaf's blog

The Perversity of Sex As a Chore

Tue, 2008-07-08 07:06 — figleaf


Photo by Flickr user wockerjabby. Used under a Creative Commons license.

Amanda Marcotte, writing at RHRealityCheck.org says of the (religiously motivated) “365 Nights” program where (at least some) couples try to have sex every night for a year (or, in a milder version, for “101 Nights”)

There’s a point to all this.  Mandatory sex is part of the larger tendency of our culture to see sex as something that needs to be tightly regulated.  Not that it’s bad for couples to make sex a priority.  In fact, that seems smart to me.  But why does everything have to be about measurements and controls?
Read the quote in context here.

There’s a similar trend, in porn, in letters to Penthouse (which, according to a Susie Bright interview with a former editor, really are written by readers), in some circles of mostly-youthful “sex positive” types, and the occasional sex blogger, to tally (usually women’s) orgasms during sex.

It’s not an altogether bad thing. Years ago I used to reflexively count phone poles, parking meters, and stair steps on long walks to or from campus. On those rare occasions I to be in a thunderstorm I still count the seconds between flash and thunderclap. But it’s not particularly useful either, not really useful enough to keep track of once you get to your destination, or go inside.

And when it comes to orgasms (oops, a pun) it’s always seemed a lot more interesting to just have, or help with, the next one or, when everyone’s on a roll to do what you can to make one merge seamlessly with the next.

Unless it’s a really big deal to have one at all but even that’s a lot more about whether one or the other did or didn’t at all. (Years ago I took an orgasm-suppressing anti-depressant for situational, well, depression, and under those conditions it was a pretty big deal for my partner at the time, and of course me.)

I also think programs like 365 are a bit of a thumb in the eye of partners who are struggling to have children. Especially for those who believe, or are told, that conception is more likely when the woman comes. (Especially since the evidence isn’t very compelling.) For my friends who’ve been through it there was always plenty of keeping track, diligence about days, and orgasm, but… not so much enthusiasm.

The whole point, as recounted expressly by those friends, is that when sex and even orgasms become a duty they stop being fun. (It’s what’s behind the point that consent is only the ground floor and not just a green light for sex.)

I guess the bottom line is that sometimes it’s actually fun to keep informal tabs of numbers, as it was for me in my parking-meter-counting days. What matters more than, well, tabbed columns of numbers, though, is to be mindful about sex the way we’re mindful of non-sexual things in our lives with our partners, lie birthdays, favorite places to eat or visit.

Tue, 2008-07-08 09:17 — 2286 (not verified) #permalink

I have to say I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of statistics-driven sex. Whether it is times copulation was achieved or orgasms, it feels sort of sterile to me. And very product oriented instead of process-driven.

[That plus the old “search for the best drives out the good.” For which I’ve been horribly guilty, even if it was in a past that will never be distant enough. Thanks, Ellie. —fl]

Tue, 2008-07-08 12:15 — 2286 (not verified) #permalink

The beauty of sex is that there is, ideally, no point to it other than pleasure. When it is a means to an end, then far too much rides on its outcome.

I really, really hate the idea of anyone keeping track of my orgasms, or anything else, although I can understand the temptation at times. But I don’t want to think that proof of my pleasure should be collected on someone else’s scorecard.

(Welcome back, by the way. And – nice bum :) )

[And I notice you had a really nice post along those lines today too. Thanks, Z. —fl]

Tue, 2008-07-08 14:18 — 2286 (not verified) #permalink

Welcome home! Sounds like you had a really lovely vacation.

My husband and I tried for roughly 6 years to have a child. THis included different combinations of temperature-taking, intercourse-timing, medications both oral and injectable, invasive testing, twilight anaesthesia, tears, frustration, and failure.

It included very little joy, between the aforementioned failure and tears, as well as the mechanization of sex. Reading this post made me remember the online cycle-plotting software I used, wherein you marked every day you had sex. with (your choice) a heart or a smiley face.

That heart or smiley face was pretty much the only choice we were given (in day-to-day terms) in the progression of impregnation attempts. Whe we should or could do it, or when I got to go under anaesthetic for an “egg harvest” or how many days of bedrest was required post-embryo transfer was determined by number— dates on the calendar, blood tests.

Ah, you’ve provided a convenient (at least for me, I’m not sure how YOU feel about it, figleaf) forum for me to exorcise a little of the anger I still hold, 3 years on. I guess it’s implicit in my rant that I find what Ellie called “statistics-driven sex” to be pretty much repellent. For us, it WAS product-oriented. The fact that we were ultimately cheated out of the desired product isn’t really even germane to my reaction… at least I don’t think it is.

Anyway, I guess I’m skeptical as to whether numbers-driven sex can ever, in any way, make the numbers-cruncher happy. To me, the delight, the joy of being able to have sex when and only when we want to is something I could never throw away, because I’ve been on the other side and it sucks.

[Great story, L, thanks for recounting it. I’d already meant to post something else about the difference between duty and enthusiasm and this is a perfect example. It’s perfect, by the way, because it’s such a neutral setting compared to some of the more classic “leveraged” reasons for having sex. I was composing a post and I think your comment conveniently illustrates the point. So thanks! —fl]

Tue, 2008-07-08 16:19 — 2286 (not verified) #permalink

And the pants slip even lower…

Back on topic, I’ve always found this tallying of orgasms baffling – in no small part because I’m usually in no condition to do any sort of counting during sex. If most other women have as much difficulty performing basic math during sex as I do, that leaves the “duty” of keeping count to the guy, I’d assume. Which then makes it just another part of that age-old rite of “keeping score.”

[Nor is it any better, I think, than being asked to keep track yourself. And again, I’m not saying it’s particularly gendered, or rude, or anything. If men could have multiples, and they weren’t accompanied by ejaculations, I’m pretty sure their women partners would be curious too. But if it’s not rude to ask then neither is it rude to say you don’t or won’t count. Thanks for dropping by, Zula. —fl]

Wed, 2008-08-06 12:00 — 2286 (not verified) #permalink

Hey Figleaf—

Just followed your link from AAG and was browsing around. I found this post really interesting. I had not heard of the 365 project, but I did read an article once in a women’s magazine about a couple who made a new year’s resolution to have sex every day. Apparently since they’d had a child they had fallen out of sync with each other and weren’t having much sex. When they did it was frustrating and not as satisfying as it once had been.

At first they said it was hard and did seem forced to try to have sex every single day. Then their bodies really adjusted to the daily romp and they began to look forward to it each day. In all, the only lasted about 10 weeks because the wife ended up pregnant again and had morning sickness, but they felt it really helped their sex lives.

I can see both sides to the argument. Sex definitely should not be a chore, but it is also really easy to get too caught up in life and ignore sex as a priority in a relationship. I’ve considered doing something like this with my boyfriend just to see how it is. I would love to be one of those couples who has sex every day or even multiple times per day, but that has never felt natural to me. I think that it might be an experiment worth exploring.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.