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An Opportunity to Talk About What Sex Means

Fri, 2008-12-12 06:28 — figleaf

From kazanit of Voices of American Sexuality (for instance)

From the creators of “Dick in a Box” comes another hit music video: “Jizz in my Pants”. It might not be the most positive approach to premature ejaculation, but at least it gets people talking (or singing) about it.

Read the quote in context here.

So. Funny about men and attitudes about premature ejaculation, especially in the first-encounter/random-hookup contexts presented in the video. . I mean… an orgasm’s an orgasm, right? And “there’s no such thing as bad sex,” right? And men care only about getting their rocks off so… what’s the problem here?

It’s… almost as though… men were interested in… something besides getting their rocks off.

That’s not necessarily a good thing. For instance on the downside it’s pretty clear from the context of the videos that any enjoyment the gentlemen “jizzing in their pants” experienced from their spontaneous orgasms are overcome** by their greater concern about social loss of face. Ok, and the discomfort of sticky pants. But on the upside there’s the implicit acknowledgment that “even” for men sex means more than orgasms. And even though the context of the video implies it’s all about Teh Hookup there’s often a lot of anxiety around sexual prowess standing in for desirability, where desirability is kind of key to the establishment of, you know, relationships. (Again however superficial the video implies the depicted relationships might be.)

If I was running a high-school or college-level sex-ed class I’d use that video not to introduce a section on premature ejaculation (too obvious… and probably a little too triggering for those who chronically experience it) but to begin a discussion of what people want out of sex compared to what we just assume they do.

[** Oh dear, that pun was unintended as well. —fl]

Fri, 2008-12-12 08:17 — 2569 (not verified) #permalink

It’s always assumed that men just want to get their rocks off, but premature ejaculation can be horribly embarrassing for those who experience it. Because while it’s assumed that men just want to get a nut and get out, men are also stereotyped as having egos and wanting to be known as great lovers. They always want to last as long as possible (sometimes to the chagrin of female partners). So while there is the assumption that men just want to get off, I’d say the assumption that men strive to be long-lasting, legendary lovers is just as prominent.

I was once with a guy who “jizzed in his pants” while we were making out. It was horribly embarrassing for the guy who left without even going to the bathroom to clean up. I felt awful about it, and he never spoke to me again, I assume out of embarrassment.

[Actually they do feel good (as I recall from a couple of mostly-very-high incidents.) And yes, they’re very disappointing, at least for me, because even without orgasms sex is way more fun than orgasms without sex. Which was sort of my point — it’s not just about coming, it’s coming with! Where the partner is actually kind of important to you. Which sort of goes against the “guys only want one thing” meme. Thanks, Britni. —fl]

Fri, 2008-12-12 08:49 — 2569 (not verified) #permalink

I think “coming in your pants” is more of a humiliation than an embarrassment. Men (young men especially) like to think that they are in control of their bodies in any sexual situation and they are confronted by indisputable evidence that they are not. It is the loss of control that is hardest to deal with. How the other party reacts only compounds the resulting loss of self esteem.
A similar problem occurs much later in life when bladder control becomes unpredictable.

IMHO only of course.

[I agree it’s about the perception of self-control. And humiliating when you feel like that’s broken down. Which is sort of funny given the anti-feminist insistence that men are just such superior creatures expecting self-control is almost an insult. :-) Thanks, LR. —fl]

Fri, 2008-12-12 12:03 — 2569 (not verified) #permalink

For what it’s worth, just this morning I read about a new study from Finland that found a genetic component to premature ejaculation. Obviously this doesn’t eliminate all the cultural baggage. Nor does this study have any obvious relevance for guys who are situationally trigger-happy, such as the first time they’re together with a new partner (an effect I remember from my less sedate days). But at the very least, it should remind us that physical causes can be at the root of this, as with other sexual difficulties, and that it’s foolish to regard “properly” timed ejaculation as a barometer of a man’s masculinity.

[One of the more striking things about the video, and part of why I think it’s so “humiliating” to for men to come prematurely, is that male ejaculation is seen as the end of sex! (Witness the women onlookers as well.) If we didn’t have that definition it wouldn’t be so bad — I mean, how many tens of thousands of (mostly male?) fantasies involve figuring out ways to produce instant orgasms in women? Thanks, Sungold. —fl]

Fri, 2008-12-12 17:39 — 2569 (not verified) #permalink

Hmm… I though premature ejaculation usually wasn’t accompanied by orgasm, and that was why guys tended to find it a problem. Maybe I was wrong. Especially since I’ve never heard of it happening before he was even undressed.

[It’s true they’re not as intense as an orgasm after a nice, drawn-out build-up but even premature ones are still orgasms. But yes, I’m pretty sure it’s not as common while you’re still dressed. Or at least spontaneous ones. (They’re more common during heavy through-clothes petting but that’s a bit different.) Thanks, Nightfall. —fl]

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