Quick follow-up to Answer #1: Feminists Don’t Hate Sex. Note the subtle differences…
Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon concludes a thoughtful, nuanced review of Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape
What’s really great about this book is that it’s so readable, and so it’s a perfect book to hand off to someone who wants to know more about feminist thinking about the rape culture, but who is easily spooked by radical feminists who’ve been thoroughly demonized, like Andrea Dworkin. You can’t condemn this book as being “anti-sex” when it’s anti-rape, which is a common tactic for rape apologists. In reality, as this book demonstrates beautifully, our rape-coddling culture is the one that’s anti-sex. Radically reinventing sex so that it’s a collaboration instead of a conquest isn’t bad for sex. You don’t really know how good it can be until you’ve had it in circumstances where everyone involved feels safe and free.
The first commenter on Amanda’s post said
Please, people, don’t get drunk surrounded by strangers. Please.
Because, yeah, the best way to find out how good it can be where everyone involved feels safe and free is to… beg women to remain ever vigilant?
Because, yeah, the best mood-enhancer is a culture of perpetual anxiety and zero trust.
And people claim feminists are anti-sex?
Submitted by 2628 (not verified) on Tue, 2009-01-13 18:37.
I looked at that thread on Amanda's post, and yeah, that particular commenter sure seems to have an antifeminist agenda.
But. I've had a lot of contact with the folks who do rape education on college campuses, and too often their paramount piece of advice is "don't drink." A good many of these people would identify themselves as feminists. At the same time, drinking is banned on campus, so it happens out of views of the RAs ... in nice safe places like fraternities.
Oh, I just get so frustrated with this mix of puritanism and paternalism. It's well-meant. But ultimately it only reinforces the message that if you drink, you might not have exactly asked for it, but hey, what else could you expect? Which of course just lets sexual offenders off the hook.
Spooky Recaptcha: drunk direction.
[Eek! ReCaptcha really is spooky. I agree it's well meant. But you've got it exactly right: because as councilors were learning... but, say, Camille Paglia was not... as early as the 1980s, the flip side of "don't get drunk" for women is "drunk means yes" for men. Which (not to take sides in any recent disputes or anything) suggests maybe the answer is to start holding, you know, *men* responsible not for women, drunk or sober, but for their own actions. Drunk or sober. Because without responsibility they'll just make shit up and call it excuses (again, not to take sides.) Thank you, Sungold. --fl]
Submitted by 2628 (not verified) on Wed, 2009-01-14 06:05.
I see all of your points, but I still think it's good advice for everyone, not just women. Don't get drunk (or otherwise compromised) around people if you don't know you can trust them. It's not just about rape, and it's not just about the risk that you'll lower your own inhibitions -- more accurately, that your judgment will be compromised, whether it's about sex, walking on railroad tracks, or getting into the car with someone who's been drinking as well. It's about the simple fact that you are less competent if any kind of emergency comes up. What if you or a friend have a heart attack? Choke on a pretzel? What if someone tries to mug you?
I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that keeping your wits about you is a way to stay safer in a world filled with people who may not share your viewpoints and may not share your ethics. I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that a buddy system works just as well when you're an adult as it does when you're a kid. And I don't think it's likely that we're going to create a world anytime soon when, aside from gender and sex issues, all people will be kind and caring toward one another.
[Hi Monique. Even though I worked for years as a college bartender I come from a long line of teetotalers so in one sense I absolutely agree that *nobody* should drink. And believe me, after I stopped trying to drink there was *nothing* about working in a college bar that made me think drunk people are interesting, attractive, or fun to anyone except each other. That said, there's a peculiar distribution of blame around drinking, where it's not at all the same thing someone passes out and gets rolled for their wallet or purse as when someone passes out and is sexually assaulted. So anyway, that's a long way of saying I see where you're coming from, and agree that *everybody* should be careful around chemical intoxication... and also why the one sentence comment "don't get drunk" grated on my nerves. Especially after all the rest of Amanda's post. Thanks. --fl]
Submitted by 2628 (not verified) on Wed, 2009-01-14 20:27.
Monique: I know a number of students who were raped by acquaintances, *always* by people they knew well enough to trust. In one case, it was a guy who'd offered to help the woman get home "safely" after she - who normally didn't drink at all - got buzzed and felt insecure.
I'd love to see someone start lecturing *men* not to drink, because in virtually all of these situations, the man had drunk enough to lower his inhibitions and impair his judgment. Um, actually I've started doing that. Lecturing them, I mean ... not drinking to excess. :-)
Figleaf: Not to dredge up any ill-advised debate that was allowed to fizzle ... but there's absolutely no question that to make any headway on sexual violence, we need to educate *men.* Women are "aware" of rape to a point where they sometimes warp their lives and forgo opportunities to be ostensibly safe. Saying that women have a *legal* responsibility to communicate a "no" (so they can sucessfully prosecute in court, assuming they were awake and aware) in no way absolves men from their responsibilities - ethical, legal, and practical - to ensure that their partner is not just willing but enthusiastic, and to stop making excuses - in court or among friends - for behavior that ranges from assholish to criminal.