Somebody named Simcha at The Frisky makes with the funny.

Stamina Pillows Stop Men In Their Sacks

Thumbnail image from The Frisky.

Men premature ejaculate because you are just too damn fine! Girl, you know it’s true! Well, that’s the concept behind Durex’s new limited edition Stamina Pillows. Originally given away with their Performa condoms that have a mild anesthetic to prevent dudes from beating you to the finish line, the cases feature some not-so-sexy pictorials—like an old bag lady with pigtails, a pearl necklace, and armpit hair licking her lips. It’s pretty creepy. But there’s also a redheaded guy with cabbage patch bangs sucking on a lollipop and we think he could be Michael K from Dlisted’s soul mate. Hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so, it might not work for everyone! However, we’re willing to try anything if it means we’ll get to party with our pants off for even just a few more minutes.

Read the quote in context here.

What. Ever.

First of all, even though they only seem elderly instead of misshapen or unattractive the people in the photos don’t do much for me either but then I’m not close to them in age. And since I distinctly remember my early teens when my peers and I felt sorry mostly vague dismay for older, “one-foot-in-the-grave” college-aged men and women I suspect the alleged flaws in these pillow photo models are more a matter of the onlooker’s generational perspective (or lack thereof) than of the models themselves. Call that strike one against the pillows.

What also makes it jarring is the effect of even-older-than-usual people striking “sexy” poses and facial expressions derived from… the generally naive flirtations of school children. You’d have to click through to the article to see them but… where exactly did that finger-in-the-mouth or slurping-a-lollipop look get lumped over into sexy? (And everybody laughs at Senator Vitters’ diaper fetish!) Anyway, I’ve noticed in general that actual grown up men and women in their 20s, let alone 40s, let alone older, tend to flirt and express arousal in ways that make sense for their ages and experience. Call that strike two.

Finally, though, I’m also struck by the name, “Stamina Pillows,” and the implications that the solution for premature ejaculation would be presumed psychological dismay of envisioning people one isn’t (yet) old enough to be attracted to. I mean… seriously… what’s the intention here?!?! Never mind intentions, what are the implications?

Here we are, men supposed to be all selfishly, short-sightedly, thinking-with-the-little-head obsessed with our own gratification and… during holy-grail-for-men intercourse we’re… memorizing baseball scores? Reviewing tax tables? Contemplating allegedly non-sexy elders?

Sheesh, and we complain that women think about shopping lists?

Maybe…

Just maybe…

Nahh… communications, creativity, taking turns, and maybe getting over the idea of intercourse as the sexual end-goal couldn’t possibly result in overall more frequent, let alone more frequently enjoyable sex. For all involved.

Couldn’t be.

That would be strike three.