Ily of asexy beast, reflecting on what might be learned from a sympathetic documentary on a 70’s-era group of choice-not-chance political lesbians and what activist asexuals can learn from them.

Ironically one of the big anti-feminist tropes of the previous century was a conviction that feminists in general, and lesbians in particular, just needed the “right” man and suddenly they’d all go back to their kitchens, coffee klatches, and hair salons. Or something.

Asexuals (Ily now shortens that to aces which is pretty cool) obviously face that particular problem on a regular basis. In a footnote Ily puts on the orange vest and puts traffic cones around that idea (emphasis mine.)

While I don’t think I chose my asexuality, I also think it encompasses more than just a lack of sexual desire. Even if I met someone whose clothes I wanted to rip off everyday_, I’d still want to identify as asexual. I just believe strongly in what we’re trying to accomplish here. It’s more than sex, or lack thereof.

_(And why, when talking to aces, is this situation usually called “When you find the right person?” It’s very possible that any number of us would be sexually attracted to people who are total assholes. Don’t plenty of folks want to have sex with people who are wrong for them? Whoever’s spinning this “right person” stuff either can’t separate sex and love, or is high on Windex and cheese puffs.)

Read the quote in context here.

Yeah, even if we overlook the rather hard-to-overlook problems that arise when people are forced (or force themselves) to “choose” an orientation that’s not natural to them, there’s the problem that the people you’re most attracted to might not be someone you want to spend much actual time with.

I mean… you think people out of the mainstream don’t try to go along to get along? I can’t find the link (I learned about it in a women’s studies/sex-ed course I took last year) but when matched by age and demographic lesbians tend to have a “number” for male partners that’s approximately double the “number” for matched heterosexual women. Which sort of belies the whole “find the right man” theory. And while less seems to be known* about gay men and asexuals of all designations, it’s likely that at least until very recently they too have felt enough conformity pressure to make sure they’re just not finding the “right person” before coming out to themselves or others.

Instead, sort of obviously, the right person is usually someone with the same orientation (or lack thereof) as you. But even then, as Ily points out, since sex and love really are distinct, there still might be incompatibilities.

Cool post.

[* Remember that so much is claimed to be known about women because, for whatever reason {cough}voyeurism{cough}, women are the subject of sex research waaaay out of proportion to their percentage of the population. —fl]