Figleaf's Real Adult Sex

Try on the idea that going back at least as far as old Victorian fantasies like A Man With a Maid or Dangerous Liaisons the notion of women’s sexual consent has been, perversely, sexualized! In the sense that the “thrill of the chase” (see, for instance, Amanda’s post) is part of the, well, thrill. Certainly for (many) men, and probably for (some) women as well.

Meanwhile, unfortunately and perhaps often tragically, the decision itself has not been sexualized. (Hard to sexualize something that’s scarcely acknowledged, and certainly not emphasized.)

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Hmm… You know, when I first started bringing this up a number of commenters had a hard time with the distinction between deciding and consenting. Some of this was due perhaps to me not explaining clearly enough that it wasn’t about “deciding” vs “deciding to consent,” which certainly would have been circular and therfore meaningless. Instead it was about “consent” vs. deciding to want to have sex. (Which, among other things, decouples the standard no-sex class idea that women only respond sexually to requests.)

It occured to me while composing the first part of this post that perhaps it would be clearer if I said the emphasis should be on the (usually) woman’s choice to have sex. In other words the moment where it becomes her intention to have it. As opposed to speaking in terms of a concession to have sex be had with her.

Speaking for myself, anyway, while I think choice is an excellent word it already has a canonical meaning related to reproductive self-determination. Agitation for which is itself a subset of the need I’ve been agitating for: to respect the decision maker rather than the result of her decision as it relates to parties other than her.