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Oof! I can’t believe I missed this the first time! Kink In Exile reflects on Rule #2 of the bogus, corrosive Two Rules of Desire (It’s simultaneously inconceivable and intolerable for a man to be sexually desirable) and finds it wanting. (Italics mine.)

So there is an interesting twist on this whole sex positive thing that I just wanted to mentioned because it’s come up a bunch recently. Think of this as a placeholder for a post…

If sex is something women have and men want how does this impact men’s self confidence? I’ve heard a few men express that it is novel to feel sexually wanted, not because they were not sexually wanted in the past but because there is not a space in which that is typically expressed. This is remarkable because all of the conversations I have had about this with all the various people these conversations have happened were in the last couple of months. Why is it so new and crazy to think that maybe men want to know that they are found attractive and desirable? I mean I want to hear that expressed by a partner…

Read the quote in context here.

I was told for the first time in real life that I’m “handsome” some time last Summer. By a friend I’ve known since we were both teenagers. In the 1970s. What was cool was she wasn’t saying it romantically or anything, just as a casual remark comparing me to someone else our age (who she’s also fond of.)

People have mentioned it in reference to the photos I’ve posted. And I get the impression hetero women talk to each other about attractiveness in men. But as KIE’s friend said, there’s not a space in which it’s typically expressed. To the point that I’m pretty sure women might be surprised how few hetero men have ever heard it said. And certainly ever heard it said about them.

Which harks back, incidentally, to something Holly of The Pervocracy said earlier this month. (For the record I have a quibble only with the quoted paragraph, the rest of her post is dead on and worth reading.)

It always bothers me when straight guys claim they “can’t tell” if another guy is attractive. It’s such an annoying form of overcompensation. (It’s also not true; maybe a totally straight guy can’t make fine distinctions or have a “type,” but he can tell you whether Gilbert Gottfried or Brad Pitt is more attractive.) I didn’t ask if he gave you a boner, all you have to do is use your eyes and a completely detached, theoretic sense of attractiveness. It won’t make you gay.

Read the quote in context here.

See, this isn’t exactly right. We can tell if another guy is attractive to us. Even if he doesn’t give us a boner. That’s not the point. The point is that, outside of maybe Brad Pitt, we don’t have much of an impression of which men are attractive to women. Because, again, physical, visual attractiveness in men, for men, doesn’t really have a lot of vocabulary that… well… doesn’t originate with men. So we can get opinions by the senior George Bush or John McCain that former Vice President Dan Quayle was so handsome they expected women to riot. And I’m pretty sure most men would have agreed that he ought to have been that appealing to women since he embodies a lot of what men think is good looking. But… but… that didn’t happen.

For the record, I still don’t think I personally look all that great in the sense that in no way do I conform to what I consider standards of attractiveness. I get that other people on-line think otherwise, but I still think that’s only because nobody online sees my face.

Since both Rules of Desire are problematic, and since they conspire to make us feel undesirable for any reason but the worthiness of our accomplishments or status (largely, I believe, as a byproduct of accommodating other of men’s preferences), it’s just one more barrier that needs to fall before gender equality is really gonna work. And not because men should be objectified equally to women (wrong direction) but because not understanding that we can appear as physically attractive leads us to go a little overboard on the worthiness front. From which much hilarity does not ensue.

Anyway, it’s great to hear that both Holly and Kink in Exile, as well as MayMay, the authors of Erotica Cover Watch, and maybe a few others, are noticing and/or contributing and/or starting a discussion of the matter in the last few months.