Figleaf's Real Adult Sex

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In a recent post about withdrawal I recalled the definition from the days before it was even remotely permissible to let someone know that you masturbate, let alone see you do it, as…

...a brinksmanship-y technique where the man gets as close as he can to orgasm during intercourse and then, somehow, clearheadedly pulls out in such a way and in enough time for his otherwise hands-off ejaculation to occur such that no semen comes in contact with her vulva, let alone is released inside her vagina.

This is but one of a variety of reasons I was a bit leery of the prospect even though I’m a proponent of not coming inside a partner when only low-reliability (annual risk of unwanted pregnancy for “typical” use is greater than 10%) contraception is used.

To which Emily H. of The Clothes That Got Me Laid said in comments (emphasis mine)

WAIT, WHAT? People think the withdrawal method means the guy is supposed to pull out at the last possible second?? & then have an “otherwise hands-free ejaculation”? Well, no wonder people think the withdrawal method doesn’t work. No, no. I’ve never met a pullout method user from back in the day who thought it worked like that, let alone seen a hands-free orgasm of the type you allude to. The way it is supposed to work is, the guy pulls out when he is getting close, then basically finishes up by jerking off (onto his lady companion’s boobs, perhaps). I will defer to the superior wisdom of some guy from Vice magazine on this one: “True pulling out means you have to beat it for, like, 15 seconds.”

I’m just SO GLAD to hear her say that! I think she got the quote from this page. If so I’m not going to vouch for any of the other advice they offer. Just this.

“True pulling out means you have to beat it for, like, 15 seconds.”

Kudos to Vice Magazine. My only quibble (actually it’s a pretty big one) is that, unlike maybe 90% of porn, there are other perfectly lovely ways to give him an orgasm. Fellatio, frottage, friction from hands, toys or other body parts by her — since we are talking mostly about contraception here — in addition to him “beating it being obvious choices.

But, one way or another, yes, 15 seconds seems like a sensible… and also humane/reasonable limit. Any closer and, yeah, the risk of pulling out too late must skyrocket.

One more factor I’m guessing is not taken into account by current research.

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Incidentally the other day I mentioned that there are at least two ways men can have orgasms that in terms of pure physical pleasure are more intense than ejaculating inside their partner’s vaginas. Several people asked what those methods might be.

Before I got there here’s a quick clarification: there are different ways to enjoy sex with someone; there are different ways to experience pleasure. And while intercourse is emotionally, delightfully intense for me the actual orgasms are lovely they’re almost never the best part. (This could be because the emotional and non-orgasmic elements are so nice.) Anyway, what I had in mind when I said what I said was plain old genital-orgasm sensation.

And with that clarified two methods that have sent me over the moon have been slow manual stimulation after extended, emotionally and physically intense sexual activity and slow oral stimulation after extended, emotionally and physically intense sexual activity. Where those extended, emotionally and physically intense sexual activities might include, but not be limited to multiple bouts of intercourse in multiple positions.

I might add that whereas the cliché “money shot” in modern porn may have familiarized (and even, evidently, enamored) several generations with the idea of men coming outside their partners body the evident requirement that semen be visibly projected, preferably onto the patiently-presented body of the ostensible “partner” in order to “prove” ejaculation happened and maybe to “mark” the other actor or actress for the behalf of the viewer tend to… limit the available techniques. Also the evident inversion of status in porn means the ejaculating actor rather than his partner produces it himself.

All well and good I’m sure, and I’d be the last to deprive someone else of his or her heart’s delight of porn-style money-shot ejaculations with a partner. But there are other ways to do it.

Someone partner who shall remain unidentified in time or time-zone thinks (or at least used to think) it’s seriously cool to cup one hand on top of the end of a partner’s erection while she got him closer and closer with the other because she likes the feel as he jets up against the palm of her hand and then rains back down over himself. You usually don’t see that in porn but, at the risk of putting a too much I in the TMI, it feels… lovely for the recipient as well.