Figleaf's Real Adult Sex

I can’t say how much I’ve been enjoying Bob & Susan-Yager-Berkowitz’s He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (which I first mentioned in passing here.)

It’s highly readable, following a familiar and conventional-for-relationship-books mix of case study, quotes, citation, and interpretation without a lot of deep theory or analysis. But if the form is familiar the content is eye-opening.

First of all: In just about half of all “sexless” heterosexual relationships (technically defined as fewer than ten sexual events together per year) it’s the man rather than the woman who’s less interested.

Second of all: the reasons couples give for men’s lack of desire are sometimes cliché, but when they are they’re cliché with a twist. Even better, the reasons men give for their lack of desire are interestingly different than the reasons women who’s partners lack desire give. One commonality though?

Although the men know (or at least think they know) the reasons for their voluntary celibacy but the women are only guessing, either way the situation is embarrassing and painful. It is therefor not surprising that both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves.

And it’s not as though men are secretly beleaguered, saintly, and misunderstood… just human:

Indeed men indicate a lack of sexual adventure (hers, not his) as primary. It is difficult to believe that this lack of erotic excitement is completely one-sided, and that these men who identify their wives as unadventurous are themselves imaginatively passionate guys, just somehow mysteriously unable to inspire the one woman they chose to marry.

Another interesting tidbit…

Slightly less than half say they are interested in sex, but not with their partners.

...implies that slightly more than half aren’t interested in sex with anyone.

The authors bring a seriously interesting twist to another big reason that you’d think would be obvious: weight gain. Again with the nuance — read to the end of the excerpt before jumping back out. (Emphasis mine.)

It is always easier to obfuscate blame, especially when the problem is, at least in part, yourself. So, let us make this clear before we write another sentence — we aren’t talking about a few extra pounds, which, without question, are an excuse, not a reason. However, if a woman is more than around thirty pounds overweight, her partner maybe telling the truth. ... Mysteriously, whether or not they themselves have added extra pounds, too, is irrelevant [to the men’s responses.]

Obesity also diminishes libido, so an overweight person may not be as responsive a partner as he or she once was. There is also new evidence that correlates male obesity and impotence. Mix obesity, ED [another big factor discussed elsewhere in the book —fl] and low libido together and it may be easier to just stop trying.

So, again another instance where popular, gendered stereotypes about women’s weight and appearance get in the way of what might actually be going on. (A single anecdote is just an anecdote but the authors quote a woman who found her husband in bed with a neighbor who… was the same weight, age, and appearance as she. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is actually pretty common and which again suggests the most conventional “reason” may not an actual explanation.)

Another really important bit is that women surveyed revealed that their partners weren’t that into sex even before their relationships became permanent ones. So it’s not just the conventional explanation of familiarity breeding contempt.

And there’s more. Which I may post about later when I’ve finished the book. Which brings up a caveat: it’s risky to being positively reviewing a book before you’ve finished, and I’ve got a lot more to read. But the information and insights in those first few chapters seem worth the price of admission.

What I especially like about the authors so far is they’re wonderfully non-judgmental. They’re aware of stereotypes but not bound by them. Willing to pass along conventional ideas from authorities but not willing to swallow them whole. They’re on to something new, or, more accurately, something almost never discussed, and so, knowing there are already more than enough stories about gender expectations, they’d prefer not to prematurely make up their own.

Bottom line, though, is yet another half of what we “know” about libido imbalance in relationships, especially hetero relationships, turns out to be myth-based rather than, oh, say, true.

One more instance where what society tells us is true about men, women, sex, and relationships gets in the way of dealing with what’s actually happening inside the relationships!