It’s really annoying, and patronizing, and counterproductive to refer to sexually aware people who don’t drool down other people’s blouses (without a negotiated invitation anyway) as “sex geeks.” Or geeks, period.

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Which gets to something Ghostorchid said about “vanilla” vs. “kink” approaches to sex in comments to Miriam Perez’s post at Feministing

I feel like there’s sometimes a tendency in the alt.sex and sex blogger scene where it’s “all kinks respected” but it’s okay to make little jokes about “vanilla” or to imply that more conventional folks would benefit from “more creativity” and “exploring” and whatnot. There’s this tiny assumption that they’re a little repressed, playing on the safe side, or missing out.

I also feel like there’s an assumption that trickles around in alt sex communities that the alt sex scene is the “healthier, better alternative”, when it’s really just as great and as screwed up as every other scene. I get frequently told I should try more kink stuff by people who don’t understand or can’t believe that I’ve had horrible experiences in the kink scene. They insist I was just with the wrong people, although I was surrounded by radical self-identified feminist types who departed feeling like they’d exhibited great sexual politics while I felt sad and betrayed and erased. It’s as though alt.sex and kink is the cure-all to sexual power issues.

She said it here.

Before I go anywhere else with this I want to acknowledge Orchid Ghost’s unhappy experiences. They’re way too common in kink where, unfortunately, the “smartest people in the room” effect — where it’s assumed that if we’re doing it we must be doing it right so if you don’t like it you must be doing something wrong — can be as common as anywhere else something new or unfamiliar is practiced. There’s also the plain old ordinary fact that players and users are as likely to attach themselves to sexual advocacy groups as anywhere else (in non-sexual terms see eternal attempts by “young socialist” and “anarchist” groups to hijack or subvert social-organizing and protest movements.) And finally, like any other complex skill involving technology, emotions, and/or body fluids, it’s easy for beginners to get hurt — either by themselves or because those who are adept forget that it’s not “intuitive.” (Computer pundit John Dvorak correctly quipped that the Unix operating system is intuitive once you thoroughly understand it.)

That said…

The common assumption is that “vanilla” equals “normal” and “kink” means alternative, naughty, radical, or (especially) transgressive. Instead “vanilla” implies a patriarchal and heteronormative, reproduction-centric, penis-in-vagina-intercourse-till-male-ejaculation-focused form of sex where negotiation terminates with a woman’s “consent” to let the man proceed to “take” her as he sees fit.

Whereas “kink” tends to include any sexual activity with any combination of individuals, orientations, body parts, and sensory preferences (including the traditional “vanilla” ones) with the significant difference being that consent signals the beginning rather than the end of communication, negotiation, and shared decision-making.

That “vanilla” people think it’s “kinky” to continue negotiating after consent has been given says all anyone needs to know about why both terms are almost perfectly inappropriate and non-descriptive terms.

And returning to Orchid Ghost’s unfortunate experiences, simply calling one’s self “kinky” can be as empty as calling one’s self “sex positive” or (from back in the 1960s and 1970s) “sexually liberated.” But it is the case that “kink” has more of a framework for intentionality, negotiation, and a “principle of least surprise“ than “vanilla…” which (speaking of principle of least surprise!) can include the inherently non-consensual, non-negotiated and extraordinarily transgressive “penis in popcorn box“ stunt. Just sayin’

Update: In comments SnowdropExplodes says Dw3t-Hthr talks about being the “clean up crew” when people have been “smartest in the room“ing.