Further reflections on “vanilla,” “kink” and negotiations. At Sex 2.0 I finally got to meet Miss Calico of Dominatrix Next Door. A week or two ago Calico wrote with warmth and fondness about a BDSM scene she played in with an acquaintance. In addition to sounding eye-rollingly painful for her (which I can handle) her description sounded dangerously out of control (which alarmed me.) I mentioned this to her, in rather maudlin terms that surprised both her and her top.
We talked about it a little further when we met in person and she said, with some exasperation, that she hadn’t thought it was necessary to write about the extensive email, phone, and in-person negotiations she and her partner had gone through to detail exactly what they intended to do together, what to expect from each other, what their limits and squicks might be, what their contingencies would be, nor did she think it necessary to talk about their communications before and during the scene nor the details of aftercare afterwards.
I said it made perfect sense that she wouldn’t want to do that in her post but that I thought it would be nice for her to talk more about negotiation and aftercare in her blog because a lot of (CoughVanillaCough) people who might like to try kinky things would probably have better experiences if they knew more about it.
The blank look she gave me was worth the price of the plane ticket. “People already know to do that,” says she. So I tried to rephrase it, saying that I knew people heard about things like “safe words” but not so much else and that there really wasn’t a lot of discussion of “sub drop” and aftercare and that it didn’t just come naturally because negotiation, communication, reconsideration, and aftercare isn’t really part of standard heteronormative scripts. _[Aside: would The Ethical Slut
Which leaves one wondering which practices, exactly, should and should not be discussed in the sexual disorders and fetishes sections of ab-psych classes.
Submitted by 2929 (not verified) on Tue, 2009-05-12 19:01.
Now that I've stopped laughing, let me add the obligatory explanation: I don't mean to conflate "kinky" and "enlightened", any more than I want to suggest that vanilla is small minded, or to attach value judgments to either. The activities, if you ask me, are kind o f beside the point. The idea is that no matter what sort of sex we're having (and it's all just sex) it behooves us to talk beforehand, cuddle afterward and maintain mutual respect and care all around. If that were part of the standard heteronormative script, I don't even know if we'd have specialized language like "negotiation" and "aftercare" in BDSM -- it would be taken for granted.
I will write about negotiation though. It's a fun topic on its own. :)
P.S. It was so good to meet you!
["I don't mean to conflate 'kinky' and 'enlightened'" No, I totally get that you weren't, even though I was pushing in that direction. But no, it was the shocked "eww, that's *perverted*" look you had on your face while you were digesting that not everybody does that that a) was really funny and b) thought provoking. And dang it all, I want to keep quoting parts of your comment. I'll limit it to just this since I really like the construction: "If that were part of the standard heteronormative script, I don't even know if we'd have specialized language like "negotiation" and "aftercare" in BDSM -- it would be taken for granted." Exactly! Thanks, Calico. And it was wonderful to meet you too. Sorry we didn't have more time to talk this time. --fl]
Submitted by 2929 (not verified) on Wed, 2009-05-13 17:17.
Hear, hear, HEAR.
Personally, the *most* uncomfortable I have ever felt in sexualized spaces were in sexualized spaces that don't come to it from a kink perspective. Precisely because I am just not at all sure that everyone there is going to be on the same page with respect to negotiating my boundaries and respecting them.
Just think about how normal dinner date -> sex goes in a heteronormative traditional script: usually the advice is to escalate touch and observe comfort zones. This completely boggles my mind! In bdsm spaces, this negotiation is expected to be done _verbally_; touch is something you have to consent to.
I do not think vanilla means small minded; I just think that mainstream culture doesn't think negotiation should happen verbally. When I proposition someone for sex I ask, "Hey, you want to have sex?" But somehow this is "unromantic" or "cold" in mainstream culture. Instead you're supposed to negotiate physically and non-verbally. This just doesn't work for me, because then I'm constantly having to mediate my physical safety.
(Ok, this is clearly what _I_ think of mainstream culture - is this actually still true, or do I have a skewed view? I have to say that I haven't been part of mainstream culture in various ways for...maybe...ever. So maybe my view is distorted.)
Submitted by 2929 (not verified) on Thu, 2009-05-14 09:06.
There's a great essay in the new book Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape (Jessica Valenti and Jaclyn Friedman) called "The Fantasy of Acceptable 'Non-Consent': Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn't) by Stacy May Fowles that takes on this very issue.
Fantasy is by definition "not real" and there are vast differences between rape fantasy scenarios/submissive scenarios/punishment scenarios and the real thing. The communication/negotiation and built-in safety measures seem to be key. Also, I don't think that PCness and correctness and politics can't quite be rectified with something as primitive and visceral as sex and what turns people's cranks...sometimes too much "correctness" goes against what people really want and what really turns them on. Conversely, what turns them on in the bedroom with a trusted partner may be something they would never condone or put up with at work or in public life. Then again, some people find escape or enjoyable contrast between their public life and what they enjoy in private (high-powered business exec with a diaper/baby play fetish?).
It sounds like we could all learn a few things from the responsible members of the kink communities. More communication/negotiation/boundary setting/before and aftercare sound like good things to me!