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Worthiness and the Two Rules of Desire

Wed, 2009-07-01 17:36 — figleaf

Echidne of the Snakes has a lovely, and in this case illuminatingly literal example of the male worthiness fetish

This was how getting married was described in a recent radio program I listened to: The woman shows that she is proud to wear the man’s name! He’s worthy!

The comment was made by a man…

The post is mostly about the issue of last names after marriage but you can read the part I quoted in context here.

The worthiness trap is one more necessary outcome of the Two Rules of Desire. Rule #2 says it’s simultaneously inconceivable and intolerable for a man to be sexually desired. Consequently he can’t just have sex with women he has to earn it.

Meanwhile, over here in the real world, I’m… pretty sure that neither the most “good natured girl” nor the most avariciously cold-eyed “golddigger” nor anyone else either proximal or distal to those two poles considers herself, her sexuality, or her reproductive future with a partner as his reward.

—-

Aside: Rule #1, by the way, says it’s simultaneously inconceivable and intolerable for a woman to express sexual desire, is equally critical to the worthiness trap. Since men indoctrinate themselves to believe sex must be earned, a woman who’s interested in a man just because being a human being and all she happens to be horny at the moment isn’t any fun at all. She’s “cheap.” “Easy.” Not even a whore (who at least had the decency to require payment) but a slut.

Charming little system we’ve created here.

“He’s worthy” my ass.

Wed, 2009-07-01 21:44 — 3043 (not verified) #permalink

and of course a woman who would easily give up such a valuable commodity (i.e. sex) to someone isn’t “generous,” because calling it generosity would indicate she’s the owner of her own sexuality, which we couldn’t have, nuh uh, that’s a harbinger of doom right there.

so instead we call them sluts with no standards.

Thu, 2009-07-02 10:26 — 3043 (not verified) #permalink

It’s just pretty patent jealously because men who hold that view often have the experience that they’ve been offering their bodies and sexuality to any potential taker, and takers have been few and far between, so it puts them in an ambiguous position with the woman who desires them. While not as alienating as a position as “Client#9”, one feels less special, in a way that mirrors the feeling of being disposable when one is “Just Another Guy” approaching women. Another way this gets screwy is when condom-free sex feels “more special” as part of pair-bonding. I don’t have any answer, really, because except for the caste of men who have to fight women off everywhere, most straight middle-class Euro-American men in the 18-35 age group are going to be dealing with women who have acquired more partners than they more easily, with more satisfying results, because women don’t get rejected when they initiate, and find partners more easily even if they don’t initiate.

It’s really interesting that we socialize men to such a degree of powerlessness that sex itself isn’t enough, which I think ties in to Ross Douthat’s idea that pregnancy-risky sex was erotic in a way that birth control wasn’t. If she’s on pins-and-needles with the stick test, sex with you is potentially destiny-changing in a way that being Condom-Using Straight Male Sex Partner #97 (of a 24-yr-old SWF, and believe me, such numbers are not atypical for Euro-Americans in large urban areas) isn’t. Although you’d be glad for the condom as #97, just because of the chlamydia risk.

This gets dismissed as “you poke it you own it”, but I tend to think that it’s more a desire for BELONGING to someone, having someone choose a connection to you, but poorly-expressed.

Thu, 2009-07-02 17:37 — 3043 (not verified) #permalink

That’s ridiculous. Sluts have standards. They just don’t include the type of people who would call them “sluts with no standards”. ;-)

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