Abby Spector, guest-posting forEm & Lo says

I consider myself a sexual adventurer. As a bisexual who has posed naked for photographers, enjoys threesomes, and has a collection of vibrators, I think I deserve the label. However, there is one sexual act I refuse to partake in: handjobs.

For years I struggled trying to perfect my phallus-massaging abilities. Touching peen is only the first foot on third base (with oral being a whole body slide). We are taught that we have to run the diamond in base order. No skipping allowed. Five bruised penises later, I have learned how to stand up for myself. I look men in all three of their eyes and tell them the truth. “I, Abby Spector, will never give you a handjob.”

She said it here.

Here’s my take on handjobs. (Which in places, except for the bruising part, echos some of Spector’s points.)

I sort of held off waiting to hear other people’s comments before leaving my own. But based on what’s been said so far I think the big surprise ought to be where people (who haven’t tried it) ever got the idea handjobs for men are easy. And please don’t worry about it or feel dumb for not knowing — you’re so not the only one it’s not funny.

I think it’s sort of a natural mistake. Very young men can be pretty quick to ejaculate, and unless I’m really mistaken handjobs are most common really early in sexual relationship formation. Conversely handjobs fall out of favor pretty quickly once men, and their partners, begin to add penetrative acts to their repertoire. Add in the mistaken observation that if he can rub one out in a minute or two then it ought to be easy for her. (Most men, if you think about it, take months and even years to figure out how to do it the first time too!)

Yes, there are men for whom handjobs are easy and rewarding, and there are women for whom it comes naturally. But out of all the times I’ve had sex with partners I can think of only one or two times that someone managed to find the right spots, and the right rhythms, and had the interest, and the stamina, to get me all the way off — and not just warm me up — with just her hands.

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That said, if you’ve actually been bruising your partners trying to get them off here’s a tip: Back off! There are some (not most) kinksters that might work for but even though almost all men like firmer pressure than most women would, but if you’re being rough enough to leave marks you’re also being way too rough to get him off. Point being “try harder next time” is not the solution to every problem!