Summary: A discussion of different kinds of mostly physical “bad sex” from the depressing to light-hearted.
I’m a sometime contributor to the Wise Guy column from Em & Lo but not this week. Here’s my take on this week’s question.
“What’s the definition of bad sex?“
First of all let’s get over the notion that a bad day of sex is better than a good day at the office. You might not remember a good day at the office but memories of bad sex can last a lifetime. Really bad sex can ruin good sex for the rest of your life.
One form of bad sex? When you’re too young or otherwise not ready for it. This can obviously include being forced into it but can also include forcing yourself because, say, you think you should or you think you won’t get another opportunity.
One of the Wise Guys, James, mentioned the archetypal drunken husband. I’m also thinking of the archetypal fathers, uncles, or even frat brothers who used to… and I hear sometimes still do… take very young men to brothels to “initiate” them or otherwise “make a man” of them. They think they’re doing the young man a favor but — based on my own near miss in 7th grade with some older neighbor boys who said the girl they knew was better than the women their fathers took them to — it can create lasting anxiety.
On a more prosaic level bad sex is sex when you’re each doing it for the other, it’s gone on too long, for whatever reason neither of you is going to come, and you’re both waiting for the other to finish and wondering how long they’re going to take.
On a more one-sided note, it was bad sex when your partner says either “are you done yet” or, after, “did you come?”
And on a humorous-only-in-retrospect note, it can be bad sex when the partner you rendezvous with right after she got off work had spent the afternoon chopping habanero peppers. It’s a good reminder that kink involves a lot of intentionality and planning, as opposed to one partner saying “ow, ow, what the heck, I’m burning up” followed by the other’s “arrrrr it’s on me too!” :-)
Actually the hot peppers
Submitted by k (not verified) on Tue, 2009-11-24 18:55.Actually the hot peppers thing is low on my list of bad sex worries. Capsacin is thought to deplete substance P you know. Some (very few) women put it on their vulvas on purpose because it can decrease pain. So if that ever happens to me I’m not gona worry about it too much… after I get over the initial burning. (I still wouldn’t recommend doing that on purpose!)
[Agreed. Capsacin’s a pretty interesting “anesthetic” with a lot of applications. I hadn’t heard of it for vulvodynia but then I heard about it in the first place from my mom, as a physical therapist wouldn’t have used it on mucous membranes. Also, since the infamous incident I’ve developed quite a fondness for chili peppers, and when I’m really up to speed on it I don’t even mind it much if it gets in my eyes. At the time, though, it was totally unexpected. For both of us. And the result was very, very bad. :-) Thanks, K. —fl]
also an important lesson to
Submitted by nekobawt (not verified) on Tue, 2009-11-24 21:25.also an important lesson to wash your hands immediately after chopping anything even as strong an onion.
makes for a hilarious anecdote, though. 4-alarm chilli + blowjobs = brush your teeth first if you want him to actually enjoy it. ;)
[Yup. At least unless he’s not expecting it. I haven’t done it in a sexual context but once you’re used to it hot peppers on the genitals can be kind of interesting. I really wouldn’t want to do it to someone who wasn’t ready for it though. Thanks, Nekobawt. —fl]
LOL – haven’t tried the
Submitted by Mike (not verified) on Wed, 2009-11-25 11:53.LOL – haven’t tried the peppers there nor have I thought about it, but NOW ya got me curious ;)
[If you’re not used to it don’t take it lightly! And definitely don’t accidentally surprise anyone else after. It stays on skin a remarkably long time. Final clue — if you’ve got too much on your skin use oil to try and dilute it, not water. Good luck, Mike. —fl]
thanks for the advice figleaf
Submitted by Mike (not verified) on Wed, 2009-11-25 13:57.thanks for the advice figleaf – always try to learn from others!! I’ll let you know how it goes when I finally take the capsasin plunge!
Yeah, it’s unfortunate, but
Submitted by twg (not verified) on Thu, 2009-11-26 08:56.Yeah, it’s unfortunate, but bad sex is often as memorable as good sex. Then again, if it’s bad in a humorous way, you’ll always have the story.