And, now that I’ve stumbled across her blog, it turns out that Penelope Trunk of Brazen Careerist is one of the few people I’ve ever met who talk about miscarriage as the (on average) everyday event it is.
Most miscarriages happen at work. Twenty-five percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Seventy-five percent of women who are of child-bearing age are working. Most miscarriages run their course over weeks. Even if you are someone who wanted the baby and are devastated by the loss, you’re not going to sit in bed for weeks. You are going to pick up your life and get back to it, which includes going back to work.
This means that there are thousands of miscarriages in progress, at work, on any given day. That we don’t acknowledge this is absurd. That it is such a common occurrence and no one thinks it’s okay to talk about is terrible for women.
It’s actually terrible for everybody.
It’s terrible for conversations about choice. Failing to discuss miscarriage, which is approximately as common as abortion, leaves the field of debate open and uncluttered for those who would proclaim themselves “pro-life.”
It’s terrible for couples who lose very-much planned and wanted pregnancies who, in the absence of virtually all conversation about it in advance, imagine their experience is commonplace rather than rare, and who consequently may blame themselves or each other rather than fate and odds.
It’s terrible for men because such silences increase the “mystery” and thus the alienation from their peers, colleagues, and fellow citizens.
And yeah, definitely, terrible for women for the way it helps perpetuate all the other silences that keep us from public understanding of everything that it is to be a human being.
I’m so, so glad to see
Submitted by Heather Corinna (not verified) on Sat, 2010-01-02 16:20.I’m so, so glad to see this.
Because YES, yes, a million times over of yes, leaving miscarriage out of the picture makes it much easier for people to go to black-and-white thinking about pregnancy (and women’s diverse experiences with pregnancies) and abortion, not discussing it leaves couples often unaware that pregnancy-to-term is very much a gamble, and very few people are aware that a great, great many miscarriages don’t happen because of anything anyone did wrong, but just happen because our bodies are often terribly smart when it comes to not continuing to try and sustain a pregnancy that isn’t likely to result in a healthy outcome.
Amongst lord knows how many other reasons.
The silence also makes it very hard for those of us in repro health to explain — often when being supportive — that miscarriage is an exceptionally common outcome without sounding like insensitive jerks to the person who had no idea that was so until we said it.
[“leaving miscarriage out of the picture makes it much easier for people to go to black-and-white thinking about pregnancy” That’s the bottom line isn’t it? Thanks, Heather. —fl]
Heather – While I agree with
Submitted by Sungold (not verified) on Sat, 2010-01-02 22:25.Heather – While I agree with everything you’ve said, I once tried to comfort a friend with the idea that “our bodies are terribly smart,” and that didn’t help one iota. What you say is true. Yet, in that moment, I should have just listened to her grief for a much-wanted child without trying to explain or relativize it in any way.
Figleaf – since you’re just hearing about this now, you might now have picked up on what made Penelope Trunk famous. (If you did, your post didn’t reflect it.) She tweeted not just that she was in the midst of miscarrying, but that she was terribly relieved – as a fortysomething mother – not to have to contend with aborting this pregnancy. Which is what she would’ve otherwise done. I myself have no problem with her decision or how she arrived with it, nor do I think women should censor such decisions. I completely understand why she’d feel relief. Some of the pro-life folks didn’t feel so much empathy, however, and Trunk was demonized as “everything that’s wrong with women today.
Anyway, I wonder if such a furor would have erupted if Trunk had tweeted about the loss of a planned, wanted pregnancy. We certainly don’t have a good way of talking about this. Nor has feminism managed to provide understanding or support for women suffering unwanted miscarriage. (There’s a scholar by the name of Linda Layne who’s trying to rectify this – she’s smart, insightful, and compassionate – but she’s only one person.)
Good lord, your captcha looks like a Peter Max revival tonight.
[Hi Sungold. “Wise body” is the sort of thing we really, really need do hear, but we need to hear it long before the event. During or after a miscarriage, I agree it’s a… difficult strategy to pull off successfully. As for Trunk’s point that miscarriage was a relief because she escaped the hassle of getting an abortion, well yeah. For most people confronting an abortion miscarriage is a bit of a relief, even though for planned, wanted pregnancies it can be a first-order tragedy. That’s why it’s true that pro-choice people are pro-choice! Reproductive choices, and strategies, vary from person to person and even in the same person over time. Including Trunk. I didn’t mention the controversy she was addressing in her post, though, because I think in the long run her message about the importance of ending silence over miscarriage is really significant. —fl]
Sungold: for sure. I only
Submitted by Heather Corinna (not verified) on Sun, 2010-01-03 08:52.Sungold: for sure. I only tend to go there when someone is asking for an answer of why, or — like figleaf said — ideally way before the fact.