Wow, check out Suzannah Breslin’s nearly zero-information post at The Frisky called What His Favorite Sexual Position Says About Him. It would still be lame if it turned out it was accidentally tagged “sex” instead of “humor” it’s lame.

It’s basically a rundown of five sex positions with snorky declarations about the kind of men who’d enjoy such a thing. According to her men who prefer missionary, “pile driver,” tantra, or woman on top are all some kind of lame loser dudes. Even her guy who prefers rear entry (which like too many other people she dismissively calls “doggie style”) sounds disordered.

Even without the TMI about wearing tube socks. It means “He’s a butt-man? ... He won’t stop talking about your butt. When you say you want to try it missionary-style, he looks at you like you done lost your mind, girl.” Seriously? That’s it? No other reason he might like sex from behind?

Too bad because a) even if you are obsessed with butts rear-entry isn’t the only way or even the best way to enjoy them and b) there are a million other reasons for liking rear entry that range from darkly selfish ones to goopily mutual, from mechanically expedient to operatically emotional, and from arrogant dominance to faceless servicing.

Also, unless it’s some new seedy porn-valley lingo the rest of us aren’t yet privy to, “pile driver” doesn’t mean what Breslin seems to think it means (her illustrations suggest she means switching rapidly between sixty-nine oral and missionary and woman on top intercourse.)

Its current seedy-porn meaning is neither comfortable nor particularly safe for the participants (slipped disks for her, fractured penises for him) but does let the cameraman film the all-important naughty bits from across the room without getting out of his lawn chair.

She even misses the point of missionary! I mean, yeah, sure, I guess, you can look into each other’s eyes while doing it, that’s true for pile-driver too! The thing about missionary is that, like slow dancing but unlike porn positions, it’s most memorable when done not eye to eye but cheek to cheek.

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A while back Breslin got roundly thumped for dissing and dismissing feminism. Her Frisky post clears things up quite a bit since she also disses and dismisses men who prefer… pretty much all the basic ways to have intercourse (face to face, face to back, lying down, kneeling, and sitting up, man on top, woman on top, and man behind.) In other words, like most anti-feminists, she doesn’t like men either.

(Link via Em & Lo)