Shelby Knox of The (Ms) Education of Shelby Knox really jumps hard on Slate’s Double XX editor Jessica Grose, who posted what Knox calls “a misguided, finger-wagging analysis of the recent Reclaiming Virginity conference held at Harvard, at which I spoke on a panel.”
Here’s Knox…
As Jessica Valenti noted, via Twitter, Ms. Grose took in the Rethinking Virginity conference as “lady bloggers rethinking their slutty ways.” Grose spends most of her post laying out conference organizer Lena Chen’s past as a sex blogger, including the slut-shaming she endured at the hands of fellow students and print and online publications. It’s obvious she views Chen’s decision to give up her blog (for the moment) and identify herself as a “Third Wave Marxist feminist” as a defection to what she describes as ‘Generation Scold’ – “deeply conventional and traditional” millenials determined to stamp out sexual promiscuity.
In what I can only call a lapse in journalistic ethics, Jessica Grose leaves out both the actual and political context in which the Rethinking Virginity conference occurred.
From the Rethinking Virginity conference’s “About” page on Tumblr you can see that Gross really did miss the boat
Half a century after the sexual revolution, the concept of virginity remains as contentious as ever. While the sexual abstinence movement preaches in classrooms and college campus the dangers of premarital sex and “hooking up”, feminists decry scare tactics and “slut-shaming”. What are the religious, legal, and economic origins behind ideas of sexual purity? How does queer sexuality complicate the equation? Is a sex-positive vision of abstinence possible?
The Rethinking Virginity Conference at Harvard University seeks answers to these questions and more. Join us on May 3rd, 2010 as our panelists — sexual health educators, professors, feminist activists and bloggers, a documentary filmmaker — explore what it means to be a virgin and what the future of sexual abstinence should look like.
Stop by for one panel, meet speakers at the Boloco-sponsored lunch, or stay all day to experience the full diversity of our conference programming. Women’s, LGBT, and sexual health organizations will be tabling throughout the conference as well.
Hosted by the Harvard College Queer Students and Allies with support from the Harvard College Women’s Center and Boloco.
This conference is free and open to the public. For all press inquiries, please email the QSA Women’s Events & Outreach Chair at lenachen[at]fas.harvard.edu.
And yeah, personally I’ve always thought those Harvard College Queer Students and the Harvard College Women’s Center were a bunch of finger-wagging prudes too. :-p
Just based on the fact that Shelby Knox or Lena Chen or anyone else can be simultaneously damned if you do (by, say, Laura Sessions Stepp) and damned if you don’t (by, evidently, Jessica Grose) I can’t imagine what other concept on the big blue marble needs to be rethought more urgently than virginity. And rethought, by the way, in the terms it sounds like the conference intended to address.
The culture of virginity (as bought into by both its defenders and detractors) makes it extremely difficult to have complete conversations about choice. The culture puts extraordinary pressure on boys and young men. It puts gruesome and sometimes murderous pressure on girls and young women. It’s hard to imagine Chen would have caught so much grief for her blog without it. It’s hard to believe “frat” culture would be so toxically rapacious without it either. And without it “purity rings” would just be some kind of trademarked gimmick on cheap water filters. And let’s not even start with what it means for same sex, intersex, non-penetrative-obligate fetishists, auto-erotic asexuals, or others who aren’t likely to have heteronomative intercourse — not least because, um, for those people you actually can’t start talking about virginity-related sex.
So yeah, why on earth would anyone want to rethink the basis of all that?
I think that many people make
Submitted by Red (not verified) on Thu, 2010-06-24 00:06. I think that many people make a lot of false assumptions about the REASONS that certain individuals might be virgins. Generally speaking the assumptions about people who remain virgins either significantly longer than their peers (usually underestimated by society) or past the age of 20 tend to be either nasty reasons such as the idea that the person is somehow unattractive, has poor social skills, or is in some way undesirable. Or they get more of a pitying response that the person (male or female) has “hang-ups”, that they were likely sexually abused, that they probably hate their body, that they are “uncomfortable” with their sexuality and possibly closet gay, or something like that. Or that they are fundamentalists, saving themselves for marriage, waiting for “Prince Charming” or whatever else.But what I’ve found in life is that the reasons people remain virgins longer than the assumed and/or actual norm are in most cases more prosaic. Certainly tragic cases of trauma and sexual abuse, or genuinely repressed or asocial people exist. But much of the time it isn’t anything all that serious.
-Wanting out from under parents and ability to get birth control without Mommy or Daddy’s permission. (Like I’ve said before this isn’t necessarily a matter of shame or fear of disapproval but often a desire for privacy and a desire to feel that they can call their sexual life their own, rather than at least starting out as an extension of having their bottoms wiped and being helped with their first grade homework.)
-Wanting something a little bit more romantic than your “first possible opportunity”.
I disagree that virginity only applies to “normal” heterosexual people. For young gays and lesbians the reasons to remain a virgin a bit longer than “expected” might be stronger than it is for the majority of heterosexuals. Often the stakes are a bit higher. Realities such as AIDS, chickenhawks, or homophobic parents might mean that young gay people might have to remain virgins longer or face unpleasant consequences. Even if parents are unlikely to reject the youngster their only options before leaving high school might involve ending up with someone dirty and/or substantially older than them-sometimes with a high risk of HIV for the boys, but let’s not assume that while some adult gay men might exploit a gay boy that adult lesbians wouldn’t exploit a young girl. While a decline of stigma and more social acceptance for gay youth might make these realities less punishing, some of it might simply come down to “numbers” as far as the pool of partners available to many young gays and lesbians. For the intersexed virginity often IS a more complex issue than it is for most people. Many have their unusual genitals and/or medical history on top of the same feelings and varied life situations as everyone else. And the issues can really range from wanting to make sure that any potential lover might be discreet if the person doesn’t want his hypospadiasis or her unusually large clitoris to become “common knowledge”. Or it can be as serious as incomplete sexual function, still having surgeries while friends are starting sexual relationships, and/or severe PTSD associated with anything between the waist and the knees. As for “purity rings”, I actually consider them extremely inappropriate and just plain creepy. To my mind that sort of thing and a father taking his son to a prostitute, are not so much opposite extremes, as opposite sides of the same coin. The issue being not so much the gender double standard, but that both involve too much intimacy with their child’s sexual debut. For a parent to simply take a position on sexual issues (ie “Sex before marriage is wrong.”, “Never mistake love with lust.”, “Make sure you use a condom.”), to provide general information about sex, or to prevent an underaged child from getting involved with a certain person doesn’t involve the same direct involvement with their child’s sexuality, and whether you agree with it or not, doesn’t have the yucky incestuous taste to it.-Going to a school or working in a job where your gender outnumbers the other 4 to 1. (For gays this can be more complicated still.)
-Being shy and not really “connecting” with “hook-up culture”, for any number of reasons that don’t reflect either conservatives attitudes or any horrible emotional scars.
-Practical level personal problems that end up becoming more important than finding a date.
-Busy college schedules. (College life is not what it’s often stereotyped to be!!!)
-The “Age of AIDS” was a big factor for many people around my age.
-Health issues. (One friend of mine who remained a virgin until age 28, had a scoliosis brace ages 14-19, and spent her early 20’s having various bowel surgeries and treatments until she was finally diagnosed with celiac at age 27, and then spent many months on loads of vitamins, shots, and figuring out what toothpastes she and/or a boyfriend could use.)
-Repeated relocations.
-Other reasons.