Svutlana, in her trademark broken English, endorses an important point about intimacy in relationships: everyone’s entitled to a little bit of mental privacy. Answering a man who questions whether his long-term partner could be sincere when she says she has no sexual fantasies, she hits the nail on the head.

Svutlana be extreme sorry for say this, but you need for immediate get for fuck over need for extract fantasies from wife, Mr Fantasy. If wife say she no have fantasies, she no have fantasies. Even if wife have fantasies that she hide from you, you no have right for demand access for them and feel insult when she no comply with your wishes.

In Svutlana opinion, no matter how extreme faithful you be, there be limits for what you should expect from monogamy.

Source: Svutlana of Svutlandia

And just to be clear, I’m not saying this because I’m a privacy absolutist (I’m actually relatively sanguine about limits to privacy.) Instead it’s that I strongly subscribe to relationship therapist and theorist Esther Perel’s philosophy that while intimacy is obviously important in relationships too much intimacy begins to sabotage sexual desire.

There’s also the bit about how for many people, sharing or acting on fantasies can deaden them — even long-term cherished ones.

As to the question of fantasies Svutlana points out correctly that not everyone has them. She adds that women aren’t as likely as men to have repeated, strongly-themed fantasies, easily pinned down fantasies. (I’m not sure the gender declaration holds up but it’s certainly true that a lot of people’s fantasies are almost indefinably vague.)

She points out that her correspondent seems to want to know his partner’s fantasies not just because he’s hurt that she’s “withholding” but because he’s hoping there’s something in it for him.

You say for self, “But want me for find out what wife fantasy be so can increase her sexual pleasures!” and maybe this be true for some degrees, but you really want for see if maybe wife think up something excite you never think of before for get you off. And you also want for know everything about wife, include her most privates thoughts, for make you feel important and feed your ego.

And here’s where it gets cool: Svutlana says that instead of prying into your partner’s possible fantasies it might be more effective to suggest a range of broad fantasy scenarios that you’d enjoy trying and seeing whether any of your ideas work for them. She says that while fantasies can be hard to pin down most people have broad themes they respond to.

I’d just add that in addition to respecting each other’s boundaries, sharing your ideas is at least a good way to start a conversation. (Hint: if you feel vulnerable sharing your fantasies then… that might explain why they feel vulnerable about sharing theirs, right?) By risking your own vulnerability you create space where they might feel comfortable risking theirs.