And speaking of Penelope Trunk, she's just got the most brilliant take on the question of what does it mean to be a stay-at-home mom? I'm quoting a lot but it's good stuff -- if I was as brazen as she I'd quote the whole thing.
Here’s another example: Both parents work from home. Is the woman a stay-at-home mom? I think so. Because she’s at home. But if you ask them at a cocktail party, who they are, the dad will say what he does for a living. The mom? Who knows what she’ll say? Maybe stay at home mom, or maybe she’ll talk about her career.
I know that’s what I used to do. When I hung out with stay-at-home moms, that’s what they thought I was. When I hung out with working moms, that’s what they thought I was. I heard both sides talking about the other. And you know what? It’s insane. Women don’t even know what to label themselves, let alone each other.
To people in Darlington, WI, where I live, I'm a mom with a big career. To my friends who live in the city and work 100 hour weeks, I'm a stay-at-home mom. So much of the labeling, I think, is not about the woman and the live she leads, but what that life looks like relative to the people around her.
It's impossible to have a venture-backed startup and work less than 100 hours a week (which is why so few women do it). So, those of you who are working 40 hour weeks, I wonder—should you say you are working outside the home? Maybe not. Maybe you are stay-at-home moms. If you want to be.
Maybe the only people who are not stay-at-home moms are the ones who do not have custody of their kids. Or the ones who travel all month. But wait. What if you are gone one week of the month, but home the whole rest of the month? Stay-at-home or not? Because you are more at home than a part-time working mom.
So let’s just stop using these labels. They are not useful. What would be really productive is to get some language that helps women to convey what they are doing with their lives.
As a stay-at-home dad this is a pretty good answer! At different points, all while being a primary caregiver, I've been a) the major breadwinner, b) an equal contributor with my just-as-stay-at-home-mom partner, c) a make-ends-meet-while-my-partner-was-in-school-er, and these days d) completely dependent on my partner's income.
And believe me, you think it's any easier for a man to climb back out of the "daddy track" than it is for a woman to get out of the mommy track you've probably got another thing coming. The stay-at-home-parent track is an issue no matter who takes time off. It's definitely still women who bear the brunt of this phenomenon (oh yeah) but it's not specifically about biological sex.
On that issue I'd just add one more snipped from Trunk
Maybe the truth is that the words we were using – stay at home mom, working mom – these were all patronizing words and what we should have used was more straightforward: adult.
Sounds good to me.
