So I've been thinking a lot (a lot) about issues of consent, of sexual abuse, of "gray areas," of stereotypes and assumptions, and, especially, about accountability. Last summer, here on this blog, at No Seriously, What About Teh Menz, and in various comment threads around the intertubes, I started digging deeper into what I saw as just one or two incidents of violent sexual assault I experienced as a child -- one at age four at the hands of a ~12-year-old neighbor girl, one around age 14 at the hands of a ~17-year-old neighborhood bully.
The more I've been digging into it the more I've come to realize that, you know, I grew up in a culture that was pretty rife with sexual abuse -- enough so that I only really registered the above-mentioned incidents. But the kid who was the closest thing to a best friend in elementary school? Duh, let's see, he and his sister were foster kids who's father taught them all about "corn-holing" and "fuck-rubbers?" Gee, only this summer did it occur to me to wonder why they were foster kids? The core of the new-to-town teens I hung out with in late high-school and after I dropped out but before I left home? The variously emancipated and/or runaway boys and girls who at times seemed voraciously sexual(ized) but spoke in fluent 70's-era "sexual liberation?" The ones who's attitudes and behaviors deeply influenced much of my own early sexual aspirations? It only recently occurred to me that a contemporary assessment would be that they'd been groomed to the nines both by adult influences. And speaking of grooming and sexual abuse, how about the handful of distinctly predatory adult "youth counselors" (inside a much larger group of entirely decent, appropriate ones) who advocated boundary-crossing in ways that, while not necessarily unsound advice overall, nevertheless advanced their own "hands on" agendas with various "promising young people?"
Let's not even talk about the barkingly predatory "pre-date-rape" alcohol, cocaine, and Quaalude drenched college music bar culture I lived and worked in where it seemed at the time to be perfectly "cool" for more experienced bar patrons and bartenders to take over-intoxicated young men and women home to "crash." Where what this year would be called morning-after gaslighting was considered just helping the erstwhile partner get "perspective."
And all that's got me wondering where have those early influences left me!?!?! What else has been done to me? What else have I let happen? What else have I done in all earnestness? What impact have I had on others?
It's been bugging me a lot. Sort of a hard, fast replay of the old Will Rogers line, which I cite frequently, that "it's not what you don't know that'll hurt you, it's what you know that just ain't so."
Anyway, while I could launch into how my latest runaway train of thought about consent and assumptions has been accelerated by Clarisse Thorn's controversial but excellent exploration of forgiveness vs. accountability in On Change and Accountability, or how it was set rolling by Rachel Hills' Best of 2010: “But women don’t rape!”: sexual pressure, rejection and the male sex drive discourse, and how at the moment I'm feeling a bit like the only people one should really trust in sexual situations are the meticulous negotiation fetishists in the kink community (for instance see item #4 in Andrea Zanin's Expectations of Dominance: Picking Through the Tangle.) But I'm still not feeling completely collected about it, and besides, at the moment I'm feeling all Maslow's hammer about unstated assumptions that can interfere unspoken and even verbal consent... and so at this point any conclusions I draw are likely to be, um, over the top.
So instead I'd like to point out this cute little 2004 video short Jason Reitman and his then-partner Michele Lee called "Consent." It's not perfect (the text "romance deserves better than this" at the end of the credits is a little ambiguous) but it nicely captures how little we're able to communicate with simple yeses, nos, and you-want-tos.
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Seems to me that video plays
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 2011-12-30 14:11.Seems to me that video plays straight into the "consent is a buzzkiller" stereotype -- not to mention WHERE ARE THE CONDOM/CONTRACEPTION QUESTIONS? (okay, maybe I should be a lawyer...). It's all about the dumb manipulative games people play INSTEAD of having real consent.
I've been thinking in very similar near-obsessive terms lately about my adolescent and college years. Even though I recognized to some extent how much I disliked it when others harassed or manipulated me, still such practices became (perhaps in a different and, I hope, milder form) part of how I behaved toward others. Very much like parenting, in a way -- things we swore we'd never say to our kids come out of our mouths before we realize it. I think it may be partly that it was such a long time before anyone but harassers acknowledged that I had any sexuality at all.
At the same time, I think some of what I did non-consensually may have been partly the innocent mistakes of a socially awkward teenager. For example, my mother used to come up behind me when I was sitting down and touch my hair, as a very mild, affectionate caress (one of the few I would tolerate as a teen), and I once did the same to a guy I had no business touching in that way, and didn't realize at first that it was a very different matter. But the thing is that if I'd been brought up with a clear idea of consent in the first place, it wouldn't have mattered that I didn't have that particular insight. (If it's even true that I didn't -- I realized afterward that I was also in rather a reckless mood and inclined to try to get away with something.)
"At the same time, I think
Submitted by figleaf on Fri, 2011-12-30 15:57."At the same time, I think some of what I did non-consensually may have been partly the innocent mistakes of a socially awkward teenager. For example, my mother used to come up behind me when I was sitting down and touch my hair, as a very mild, affectionate caress (one of the few I would tolerate as a teen), and I once did the same to a guy I had no business touching in that way, and didn't realize at first that it was a very different matter."
Yes! Exactly! I grew up in a (more local than I imagined) climate of "touchy-feely" that in retrospect put more "feely" than is typically warranted for boundary management. With the result that at the very least I would send (and receive) entirely different messages than I had in mind -- on some occasions far more generic/casual than intended, other times more sexual than intended -- and all where spoken communication would have made worlds of difference.
Which is the main thing I want to see taken away from that video. As I said, it's not perfect. It's just illustrative of what goes unsaid even when clear consent is "in the air."
Thanks, Anon.
Sexual assault is the
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 2012-01-01 11:05.Sexual assault is the ultimate boundary crossing. And I feel that feminism has failed in what matters most, protecting our personal safety. I am so, so angry about what Sandunsky was allowed to get away with for so long. So often parents are told not to question or made to look like weirdos if we do insist on being present. People are not pushing back enough. We're told not to, that it makes us look like a helicopter parent. But people do not need our kids off by themselves. And as in your situation, parents don't suspect other children of being abusers or potential abusers. Or tell their children not to touch other people, especially without consent. Very few people do that, I think.
I'm sorry about what happened to you. You mention concern about what else may have happened to you. If you have concerns that you've blocked some memories, you may have. For a while my second rape was reduced to "ski mask" and concern about missing my period. I intentionally blocked the other details. As far as doing things to others, I don't think you would, and there are few I would say that about.
Feminism, though, I'm angry with it. It gave me a false sense of security. That since I'd made it into my mid-30s without being date raped and was past the vulnerable age when most people are and was selective about who I am with, that I was safe. That it was as rare as being struck by lightning to be assaulted by someone who was a stranger or relative stranger. That the idea of someone coming into your home was so remote as to be laughable; you might as well leave your doors wide open because it just wouldn't happen (though I didn't). I know it can happen to anyone, but twice in three years. And feminism (and feminists) failed me in every possible way about it.
I never thought I'd say I'm tired of feminism. But it's just not working for me. Or much of anyone else. So many of us are the walking dead because of what's happened. And so little, so very little is being done. We don't have a culture of prevention. We do have a strong culture of entitlement and rape, so that your neighbors would probably support their little rapist in the family if he was accused, despite all the elaborate planning and weapons.
I'm the one who made the
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 2012-01-01 12:29.I'm the one who made the first Anon comment -- just wanted to clarify that Anon at 10:05 is not me. (I know, I know, I need to pick a pseudonym. It's on the list.)
I apologize--I should have
Submitted by Anonymous2 (not verified) on Sun, 2012-01-01 12:35.I apologize--I should have clarified that myself. I didn't think about it.
No worries.
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 2012-01-01 12:56.No worries.
I don't remember ever hearing
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 2012-01-01 13:06.I don't remember ever hearing anyone, feminist or not, say that rape by strangers was so rare that one didn't need to take any precautions against it, or that anyone at any age was "safe." (Okay, I've heard hateful people say that ugly women are "safe," but I don't count that kind of crap.) It's true I feel relatively safe, at my age and in my neighborhood, but the fact that I'm far less likely to be raped than my daughters doesn't mean I think it couldn't happen, or that I'm less worthy of protection than they are.
I don't mean to deny or belittle your experience in any way, Anon2, and I am truly sorry that happened to you. It's just that I don't think that most people are taking that message from feminism. I hope not, anyway.
In my women's studies
Submitted by Anonymous2 (not verified) on Sun, 2012-01-01 13:50.In my women's studies classes, people scoffed at the idea of stranger rape being much of a problem at all, and in deconstructing the stereotypes of the typical rapist, many writers are dismissive, stating that's the vast exception. It never occurred to me that if I had a rapist he'd put on a ski mask and that he wouldn't just rely on his power or relative anonymity--I don't live on an episode of Alias.
I knew the culture of disbelief about acquaintance rape existed but I didn't realize until it happened there was a culture of disbelief existed around stranger rape. I thought people were more likely to be believed about what happened. The rape crisis center was disdainful and patronizing about my minority status, and about proposed advocacy work in prevention of one kind of crime. They're not there to help me. They're there to help typical women with typical cases.
The culture of abuse against children--there's not enough being done to stop it, very little being done, and what is done is ineffective. At-risk kids are taken from their parents, who are made to feel incompetent because they're poor or black or single moms, and given "opportunities" which are little more than opportunities for rape. My second rapist said he'd been raped himself. If he hadn't been, would he not have carried so much anger that he became a rapist himself?
I don't think people in general are much interested in prevention of rape or it would be included in sex education curricula.
First of all, yike! You
Submitted by figleaf on Sun, 2012-01-01 14:44.First of all, yike! You sound like you went through the same sort of self-masking I did about what happened. (I've been doing some great therapy this year that's also helped rearrange my perspective on it so there's hope there too.)
But second of all, I think it's a mistake to say that feminism has been silent about stranger rape! Or, maybe more what you're saying, that it's been more silent about it recently. In particular feminist activists have been the most vocal about driving home that stranger rape especially isn't about youth or looks or "asking for it." For instance Take Back the Night (which have been going on for decades now) and SlutWalks (which emerged just last year) are specifically about stranger rape.
At worst feminism has been more vocal about companion/date/pressure rape because it really is more prevalent and because society's been way less willing to acknowledge it -- but that's not the same thing at all as discounting what Whoopie Goldberg noisomely called "rape-rape." (And remember, even she was dismissing high-pressure sexual assault of a child because it wasn't sufficiently stranger rape, which sort of implies how high a priority stranger rape still takes. Not how low.)
Anyway, if you weren't taken seriously by a shelter program that's pretty bad. While shelters almost by definition are oriented to victims of domestic and known-stalker assaults, and thus really *not* geared towards the needs of the victims of stranger rape they still should have been able to refer you to individuals or agencies who were better equipped to help you. If not then consider browsing RAINN's search tool for a local crisis center or calling their national hotline number, 1.800.656.HOPE (1-800-656-4673) to be directed to a RAINN-certified center near you. Be clear and specific first (in your case) that you're dealing with a past assault, and second about the type of assault you're trying to deal with. That way they won't spend time offering immediate law-enforcement or healthcare resources or spend time assessing whether your assailant was known to you.
Also, on a personal note, I gotta say that while I'm in the middle of my "discovery" period it feels a little messy it still feels 100 times more positive than the sort of "no, everything must be fine, nothing all *that* bad happened, I've been lucky... so why have so many things not worked out for me" business I was living with.
Good luck, A. Oh, and let me know (in comments or by private email) whether the responses you receive are more helpful this time.
Take care,
figleaf
Abused kids can have
Submitted by Pearl (not verified) on Mon, 2012-01-09 09:44.Abused kids can have precocious knowledge they pass on early. I was perhaps 10 when I was first sexually assaulted by an 8-year-old who explained the mechanics of sex to me, shoved me on a bed and kissed me. I went to tattle but in family culture, tattlers get slapped or chastised.
Kids are treated as public property, with some adults not listening to kids pulling back at not wanting to be touched and getting their cheeks pinched in response. This lack of respect of kids setting their own boundaries can train them for expecting not be heard. It also could acculturate a kid to learn to touch and be touched and learn to enforce their own boundaries.
It takes a while to forgive oneself for not persisting in crying bloody murder until someone does listen. That kid who assaulted me would be groomed for years more. It wasn't until he left his family that he went forward to police and with that courage causing a cascade of me-toos came from the community.
Some people who are abused end up asexual, some hypersexual, some work out some more mid-range resolution. it's not only the event that happens that determines the outcome.
Most of the kids in my community had been physically and/or sexually assaulted. That didn't lead to open communication. Silence skews. Guess what I'm saying is, one's influence of talking to others may have cued people in a direction they wouldn't have otherwise gone without the influence but what direction that is can't have been predicted. One can only live within the knowledge set to the best of capacities one has at the time.
No one should have the
Submitted by Irene (not verified) on Mon, 2012-01-09 11:00.No one should have the mechanics of sex explained by an assaulter, but ten isn't especially early to hear about them in a more reasonable way. If anything I'd say it's on the late side.
On a slight tangent, I was reading a biography of E.E. Cummings recently (because of the review at http://rushthatspeaks.livejournal.com/420937.html), and it seems his analyst (a Freudian) told him that the reason his second wife was so keen on sex was that she'd been raped by her father, which awakened her impulses early or some damn thing like that. I would have said it was far more likely that she was trying to reclaim her sexuality and/or looking for a more normal loving relationship -- or else that she just had a healthy libido that happened not to get squashed by horrible early experiences. But I mistrust the whole "awakening" trope anyway. I think girls awaken on their own, if not stifled, just as much as boys do. (Incidentally, how often do boys have orgasms before puberty? I have the impression that it's far less often than girls do, to the point where lots of people think it's impossible, but I could be quite wrong.)
it's not to the degree of
Submitted by Pearl (not verified) on Mon, 2012-01-09 12:57.it's not to the degree of knowing what corncobbing is but he was 8 and explaining what we were about to do. so no, not normal circumstance for play I wouldn't think at his age. and he'd been groomed since toddlerhood and assaulted well into his teen years.
being assaulted can make a person, male or female, want to deal with that aspect of life, and take ownership over it when default ownership and control was taken over by someone else. this is like any other arena in life. if you are never allowed to control the temperature, you may get a preoccupation with the thermostat. if you never were allowed control of your own possessions, you may get bent (or not) surrounding that in trying to regain control and be more concerned with that arena than the average person.
that said, the previous centuries were filled with a lot of nonsense of women and children being sexless. from birth all people are interested in sensation. what labels get put on that is distinct.
I had students from Eritrea who said it was common to massage the genitals of their teething babies as a way to help them sleep. it's a good sensation for the baby presumably and it doesn't make it a sexual or predatory relationship. it's a power dynamic of attempting to get resistance and beat that resistance that makes assault what it is.
Oh, I agree on pretty much
Submitted by Irene (not verified) on Mon, 2012-01-09 13:32.Oh, I agree on pretty much all counts. I didn't mean it was normal behavior on his part, quite the opposite. I meant that it was normal to learn a fair amount about the mechanics of sex from parents, books, etc. by that age.