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First of all it could be true that basically all relationships that begin with sex on the first date tend not to become long-term relationships.
Hetero relationships anyway.
I mean yeah, I'm skeptical, but it really could be true. I just don't know.
But while cooking spaghetti sauce from scratch this evening the thought popped into my head that while It's certainly true that most relationships that begin with sex on the first date but then don't pan out it's also true that don't begin with sex on the first date also don't pan out.
If you're in a society that piles sex with great huge loads of signals, signifiers, and consequences then you (and everybody else) is going to notice when sex on the first date doesn't lead to a longer relationship. But that's not quite the same thing.
At all.
This does not mean I think everybody, hetero or otherwise, should have sex on the first date! There are still plenty of perfectly fine reasons to do so there are probably even more equally good reasons not to.
My very strong suspicion is that fear of blowing something longer term probably isn't one of those reasons.
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Even if sex on the first date
Submitted by Irene (not verified) on Mon, 2012-02-13 22:21.Even if sex on the first date were always a mistake, well, heck, plenty of people can cite first dates with their (later) partners that weren't successful for whatever reason. I don't offhand see why that-was-a-dumb-thing-to-do sex should necessarily be more offputting than, say, throwing up. I *certainly* don't see why gee-that-was-nice sex should.
Not sure any of my college relationships (which constitute the bulk of my experience) began with formal dates anyway. I can only remember being formally asked for a date once in college (as opposed to going to some event with an established boyfriend or with a platonic friend), and then I turned the guy down. So I've really only had about two "first dates" in my life, and one of those was going out for ice cream when I was in high school. We may possibly have held hands.
Agreed. One of the primary
Submitted by Anonymous2 (not verified) on Tue, 2012-02-14 08:43.Agreed. One of the primary reasons not to have sex right away is health and safety but that goes along with not being alone with someone you don't really know. There are plenty of people who do already know each other, often pretty well, before a first date. It's kind of sad that people feel they can't capitalize on the passion they feel. Though certainly people shouldn't feel obligated either. Unless things are unfolding rapidly on their own I think most people would wait anyway because of expectations rather than because of what they want or don't want.
Also, why does homemade
Submitted by Anonymous2 (not verified) on Tue, 2012-02-14 08:45.Also, why does homemade tomato sauce turn out pink rather than red? Maybe I do it wrong but it tastes good.
Oh, honestly, I don't get the
Submitted by Not a prude (not verified) on Tue, 2012-02-14 09:25.Oh, honestly, I don't get the hangup about it. I mean, obviously if you don't WANT to sleep with someone, it would be a mistake to do it on the first date out of some sense of obligation. But I say, if 2 adults want to have sex, they should! Why waste time if you're both on the same page? What's the point of pretending to be a prude if you're really a horndog?
My current relationship is 9 months and running, looking to be a very long term thing. Like, a permanent thing. We slept together on the first date, and I can't see any way that might have harmed our prospects. If a guy is going to judge me for being "easy", then I don't want to be with him anyway.
Yeah, but that's exactly why
Submitted by tlt (not verified) on Wed, 2012-02-15 05:59.Yeah, but that's exactly why there really isn't any such thing as a "prude" - there's no objective measure of the criteria for being one. I think other people should do what they want, but I wouldn't want to have sex with someone I haven't been seeing for at least a few months. I don't mean "wouldn't want to" in the sense of "wouldn't have the desire to," but rather "wouldn't want to take on the risk of."
Does knowing that you can't enjoy sex if you have no idea how long that person is going to be around or whether they really like you being a prude or just knowing something about yourself?
To me, a prude is someone who
Submitted by Not a prude (not verified) on Wed, 2012-02-15 07:55.To me, a prude is someone who makes conservative choices because of societal pressures. If you just don't want to do something, if you just don't feel right about it, that's just being true to yourself. I would never suggest that hopping into bed on the first date is right for everyone.
(Although I admit that I don't understand the risk you refer to -- how is it a risk to have sex with someone because you don't know if they really like you, or if you don't know they will be around later? I mean, a moment has value in itself, regardless of what happens a week or a month or a year later. At least to me.)
I'm not tlt, but certainly at
Submitted by Irene (not verified) on Wed, 2012-02-15 09:38.I'm not tlt, but certainly at the very least there's a risk that you won't enjoy it if for whatever reason you don't feel safe (which doesn't have to be about an objectively verifiable danger). Me, I just don't get the sense that I know people that fast, even when I'm attracted to them or they turn me on (I am perfectly capable of going weak in the knees over someone I've just met). It's the same with most relationships for me: I remember one of my dearest friends in college saying something like "Oh, sometimes you just know you're really going to like someone as soon as you meet them, right, Irene?" I was put on the spot and a little mortified, because I hadn't known right away I was going to like her. Now, as I've gotten older, I do size people up faster, having more experience, but I still don't commit myself to definitely liking someone for a while.
I mean, a moment has value in
Submitted by Lynn Gazis-Sax (not verified) on Wed, 2012-02-15 09:38.I mean, a moment has value in itself, regardless of what happens a week or a month or a year later. At least to me.
That depends, at least to me. Sure, the fact that a relationship didn't last a lifetime doesn't, in itself, make me feel badly about the sex. But if I feel I was fundamentally deceived about the nature of the relationship? Or if I feel the other person thought less of me because of sex that we both willingly had? There are some things that can take away, in hindsight, the value of a moment. If I were single, I'd want to know enough about someone to know whether I could trust him or her about some basic things, before I had sex. Obviously, there's no absolute certainty in that. The one time I was basically abandoned after sex, it was with someone I'd been seeing for months beforehand. But it isn't my experience that a moment stands independent of absolutely anything that follows that moment, for me. So I'd care about the other person's character, and whether I could have a certain basic trust in how I'd be treated, in endings as well as beginnings.
Had sex on the first date,
Submitted by Plymouth (not verified) on Tue, 2012-02-14 14:13.Had sex on the first date, married this past October, been together a total of 7.5 years so far. It took me two weeks to decided I wanted to have sex with him and 5 years to decide I wanted to marry him. Sex is easy, committment is hard.
The only reason I don't have
Submitted by Kitten (not verified) on Fri, 2012-02-17 09:51.The only reason I don't have sex on the first date (I havent yet, life is still young) is not because I find anything wrong with it. I like to take time to know a man beyond the first date to see if I like him enough to bed him. Thinking about long term on a first date is trying to see around a corner that does not exist.
I agree with you. I don't think that sex on the first date has anything to do with the success or failure of a relationship.
The Joy of Stats. The
Submitted by Curious Muse (not verified) on Thu, 2012-03-01 14:55.The Joy of Stats. The wonderful thing about not having comprehensive data for every first date ever made is that people can choose the version that sits well with their upbringing, prejudice, belief system whatever. It's the same as the argument that swinger relationships result in divorce. Maybe happy swingers are more discreet and don't feel the need to shout their set-up from every roof top, they're too busy having fun!
Possibly sex on the first date is only taken as a reason for a split because it's a really easy reason to cling to... she's dull, I hated his mother, we were never that good at it... well that's hardly so easy to admit is it?!
Personally I abhor the use of text speak by anyone over the age of 14. The ultimate deal breaker! Outrageous. I am thinking to start a campaign to stop this reprehensible decline in morals... 'u wanna fuk?'. Disgraceful.