Yikes! Check out this week's "wise guys" question from (justifiably) anonymous Em & Lo reader
Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do guys know when they’re in love?“
Source: Today on EMandLO.com
Do we know when we’re in love?
Is this a trick question?
There’s sort of a difference between feeling something and admitting it. But that’s not the same thing, at all, at all, as not knowing it at all.
So. Short answer? Um. Yeah.
More could and probably has been written about why men might be so reluctant to admit it. Even more could and should be written, preferably focusing on outside social, economic, and gender-convention pressures that overload such admissions with all manner of social expectations.
But actual love? Yeah, men know what that is, we know when we feel it. We definitely know what it’s like to feel it and worry that it might not be reciprocated.
I will say that one thing men, and women, don’t seem to know very well is that “love” is not the same thing as “validation.” You know that really, really over-the-top-stupid Eagles lyric from the 1970s that goes “I want to know if your sweet love is going to save me?” The one sung to a complete stranger in a truck? The one the singer would like to have become the eighth woman on his “mind?” At least in western civilization that little rascal’s the source of all kinds of interpersonal anguish, humiliation, and alienation from “bridezillas” to “no-strings” sex. But validation doesn’t really have anything to do with love.
Let’s put it this way. Pretty much all human beings, not just men, not just women, know when they’re in love. What we’re missing is knowing what to do about it when we feel it.
Note: See the corresponding, and equally goofy question "do women know when they're horny?" Some times you get the feeling it's gender construction all the way down. "No-sex" class much? (Remember, in the dominant paradigm of the "no-sex" class, men are assumed to be only about sex while women are assumed to be only about love or romance.)
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Oh I don’t think it’s that
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 2012-08-07 20:41.Oh I don’t think it’s that simple. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I was really "in love". Let’s say I knew I was into a woman as a person, that I had plenty of sexual desire for her, that I enjoyed her company, that I thought it was very possible we’d be a good lifelong match, that I cared a lot about her and wanted the best for her, and sometimes, often, felt really really happy around her. Okay…is that love? The "real thing"? Maybe because "love" is hyped up so much as this completely distinct condition, it was hard to add it all up and recognize that, yeah, I did love her. After all, I still sometimes thought about other women, sexually or what it would be like to date them; and sometimes I wasn’t *sure* we were right for each other for life, and so on and so on. And certainly no big switch had ever flipped — we’d just been dating for a while, and I knew I was really into her, but hey, I knew that from the very beginning, so where was this magical new flame that was supposed to constitute love? And these are not normal feelings within the scope of "true love" as it’s portrayed to us. Now I have no idea whether men or women are more often confused about whether or not they’re really "in love"
It isn't as though being "in
Submitted by Mike Howell (not verified) on Wed, 2012-08-08 05:57.It isn't as though being "in love" is a binary concept; lots of people make distinctions about how they love. My own adolescence wasn't remarkably different from that of my (now grown) kids in that respect: "I like her, but do I LIKE HER like her," and so on. As adults we behave as though there is a razor-sharp line between loving and being 'in love,' but in my actual experience, it's a broad and fuzzy line that many people can't measure in real time. Once you've passed through, it becomes obvious in retrospect, but while you're working your way through it, nothing is entirely obvious. Different people and different relationships pass through it more or less quickly than others, but I'm fairly sure every relationship passes through it.
I'm familiar with what has been called 'love at first sight,' but I tend to think that's mostly chemical. I know three or four women I care about, and given the opportunity (if an honest opportunity were to reveal itself) I'd have sex with any (or all) of them. I love them, but I'm 'in love' with one of them; it isn't so much sexual attraction as it is personal attraction. I am happy in her company, I am fascinated by her mind, I admire her character, I'm proud to be seen with her, and I enjoy making a contribution to her quality of life. I also have sex with her, which is wonderful, but if that were taken away by health or other problems, I wouldn't feel that the relationship was over.
Pardon the ramble; it's a thought-provoking subject. I guess I'd modify your ansert, fig, and say that yeah, men and women know when they're in love, eventually.
Hi to both Anonymous and
Submitted by figleaf on Wed, 2012-08-08 07:40.Hi to both Anonymous and Mike. If the question had been "do people know when they're in love" I'd have answered differently, because as you point out there are a number of dimensions to love and sometimes it can take a while to recognize the transition. I'd go a step further than current discussion and say even at the end of relationships, even bitter ones, it's often difficult to recognize the very real love that remains beneath often overwhelming layers of differences, distrust, and antagonism that might make reconciliation impossible. I just object to the sort of Cosmopolitant/Details fueled idea that men are singularly disadvantaged in this regard. --fl
I liked your post...
Submitted by nickjonas (not verified) on Mon, 2012-08-13 22:15.I liked your post...
"Love" is also not
Submitted by SexyLittleIdeas (not verified) on Fri, 2012-08-17 16:05."Love" is also not "Obsession," which people mistake for "Love" almost as often as "Validation."
Sometimes your mind can be so intensely connected with a need or desire for someone that it's easy to mistake for being in love. Aack, what a fine line :)