Lisa of Sociological Images, reviewing a YouTube-based ad for the Oslo Gay Festival takes a moment to rattle the stereotype that anal intercourse = gay sex.

How do gay men have sex?   Well, they must copy straight people as closely as possible.  Therefore, they must put the penis in an opening “down there.“  Ah ha!  I bet they all have anal sex all the time!  I’m sure some gay men do have anal sex, but some surely don’t, and lots of straight couples do!  I bet a lot of lesbian couples find a way to do it, too.

Read the quote in context here.

That sounds about right. Some percentage of the population, period, (don’t know how big or small but it’s some percentage) is sensorially responsive to enjoying anal stimulation. Some but, like any other random distribution, not all are gay men. But that’s not because gay men are supposed to like anal sex, it’s because gay men are part of the population. And while some of those randomly-distributed anally receptive people are gay men the rest are not. Which is where I rejoin Lisa to point out that the rest aren’t gay men. Bottom line: enjoying anal stimulation doesn’t make you gay.

Similarly some percentage of the population isn’t responsive to anal stimulation. And again I don’t know how big or small a percentage but it’s there. Some of those people are gay too. The rest aren’t. Bottom line: not enjoying anal stimulation does not make you straight.

And then there’s side B, where some percent of the population gets a kick out of playing with their partner. This too is randomly distributed. And this to does not distinguish one as gay or straight… or even male or female.

Aside: the classic illustration would be R. Mildred’s entry in the “Blowjob Wars” from a couple years ago, at the mostly-political Punkass Blog. Here’s the relevant part.

Look to the Heavens, Oh Yeh Of Little Faith, for anything that should, always, requires you sticking a digit or thumb up the guys butthole and stimulating his prostate for it be maximally pleasurable for the guy, is not supportive of the patriarchy.
...

The middle finger is the fellatio finger, never forget that, and we sex-positive, feminist, heterosexuals display it to show that we know it’s proper use.

The rest of the entry isn’t directly relevant to this post but you can read it here.

Which also introduces the third factor, one that might complicate things a bit: since potential for anal stimulation, and potential interest in stimulating, are randomly distributed some percentage of the population (I don’t know how large or small) are going to be ignorant of the possibility, and a possibly even larger percentage may be indoctrinated to believe, or may just believe due to Freudian-style memories of potty training, that it’s sick, wrong, inappropriate, painful, etc. to touch or be touched “back there.”

They might even grow up with the socially-instilled belief that this randomly distributed set of characteristics is “gay…”

With the result that gay men, operating under less social stigma and, indeed, influenced by stereotypes might be more inclined to find out if they enjoy anal stimulation and/or stimulating. But… if they’re part of the distribution then even though they might be more inclined to try it, they’re no more likely than anyone else to enjoy it. They’re just more likely to discover whether they do. Or don’t.

Point being that as with so much else about people and especially about people and sex, our stereotypes can enable inclinations or discourage them but in a way that tends to confine everybody.

Final note: Based on conversations and reading it sure sounds like gay men get that enjoyment is distributed pretty well. Straight men, for instance, are evidently far more likely to keep pushing a partner for anal sex after she’s declined. (Which, I might add, may have way more to do with men’s drive to get that all-important no-sex class-confirming “no” from his partner than with any objective difference in penile sensation.) Gay men, on the other hand, are more likely to have found out for themselves, or learned in ordinary conversation with other experienced men, that it’s great for some but not for everybody.

No wait, final final note: R. Mildred’s post also illustrates that enjoyment of anal sex isn’t only not confined to gay men, it’s also not confined to anal penetration with a penis.

Photo by Flickr user kjd. Used under a Creative Commons license.

Lux Alptraum of BOINKOLOGY says

I’m reading a cover story from the August issue of Entertainment Weekly of that year, when they reference the “infamous anal sex” episode of Sex and the City. ... What?! I like anal sex. I like Sex and the City. Why had I never heard of this before? ... Turns out it was from the fourth episode of the first season. ... Sadly…our girl decided against the butt sex.
...

At no time is the question of Charlotte’s pleasure ever really a focus of the discussion — among her friends or with her boyfriend. (Although considering that the episode was written by a man, maybe that’s to be expected.) Doesn’t anybody ever ask if Charlotte would have enjoyed a good assfucking? Why does anal have to be something that she “surrenders,” as if it were her chastity and this were the 17th century? For a show that was supposed to be on the cutting edge of sexual enlightenment, it seems to take a pretty back-ass position on anal (pun intended).

Read the quote in context here.

I kind of wonder about that “surrenders” business too. Not that there’s anything wrong with surrender or submission if you’re into it, but… but…

See, here’s the thing. Until really, really recently ass fucking was pretty much about two things in popular culture: a) a really obscure form of androcentric heterosexual birth control found mostly in “Victorian” porn and/or “gritty” 20th-Century “men’s reading,” and b) what them homersexhuls do because (androcentric bias again) it was their substitute for “normal” intercourse. Oh, and I suppose b1) what “latent homosexuals” wanted to do with their hetero partners, but that’s sort of a subset of b.

Notice, though, that aside from the androcentricity there’s (if there’s a man in the picture he has to be putting his cock somewhere or it’s not really “sex” at all) there’s not really much in those suppositions about surrender or submission. Receptivity, sure, and that often implies a lot of dynamics, but it wasn’t the same.

One big misconception in the old conception of assfucking was that all gay men enjoyed it. Instead anecdotally and (can’t find a link right away) statistically speaking about 50% enjoy it enough to make it part of their regular activities and the other half would rather do… all the other non-intercourse-y things two people can do together. Which suggests that maybe more of the gay men who do it do so because… they enjoy it?

Contrast to more common discussions, though, where it really is about domination and submission, capture and surrender.

There’s the conversation Alptraum cites from SITC

...I applaud Charlotte for not doing something she didn’t want to. But on the other, what I find interesting about her decision — and about the earlier discussion with her friends on anal — is how stygmatized the act still seems. Miranda warns her about the loss of power. Carrie gravely asks if she’s thinking of marrying the guy. Only Samantha, she of the allegedly loose mores, speaks out in favor of it. The whole fact that she’s contemplating — egads!— some backdoor action is treated as a DEFCON 5-national-emergency-situation among the ladies.

And I scarcely need bring up that Details Magazine article again.

And while I have no direct experience of it, the common narrative of the “bend over boyfriend” phenomenon seems to be a lot more about women turning the dominance tables rather than returning a favor.

And yet a lot of people — men and women — really do seem to enjoy not just having their asses played with but straight ahead assfucking. (Quite a few people add that penetration with penises feels better than fingers.) That’s not to say it’s not emotionally or physically intense, nor does it mean it needn’t be done carefully. Especially till you get the hang of it. But the same thing’s true of the other major ways to do penile penetration.

So… what is the deal here? As Alptraum asks “Doesn’t anybody ever ask if Charlotte would have enjoyed a good assfucking? Why does anal have to be something that she “surrenders,” as if it were her chastity and this were the 17th century?”

Last tip? I don’t have that much experience but from own androcentric perspective while anal penetration does feel different from vaginal penetration it doesn’t feel enough different to make it a sensory must-do. Therefore from a partner-centric perspective (instead of an androcentric one) the appeal really is about how one’s partner feels about it. It’s actually pretty great if she or he gets a plain old tactile rush from it. And it’s fun if their enjoyment is more about playing with roles of dominance, submission, and surrender instead. But… seriously, why bother if the penetratees aren’t into it enough to suggest it themselves?

[Correction: It looks like Lux Alptraum hosted the post but it was a guest post from Xorn Smith. —fl]

In her comment to my Pimply-faced youth post the other day Quilzas said

But as for the first-time sex itself. Hm. Well, actually, first time for me was anal. I wasn’t quite on birth control yet and I was tired of waiting. It was fun, we had a great time. :D

She said it here.

Last spring a lot of people had fun mocking “intelligent designers” for their claims that, say, bananas are curved to fit the palm of our hand and therefore creationism is true. One twist that came up was expressed nicely in comments

Imagine that in an Australian accent:

“Now, what I’m doing now is dropping my pants and bending over. Now, look at that. Notice that my anal opening is round and roughly the width of your penis. Go ahead and show them. Stick your penis in my anus. There. See how perfectly that fits? Also notice that my anal cavity goes deep enough to take the whole shaft. Go ahead and show them how you can repeatedly move your penis in and out. Good. See how perfectly that fits?”

Source: AZImagine at RichardDawkins.net

So…

The world of heteronormativity and, especially, our now-basic-but-extremely-recent ideas about basic hygiene don’t cultivate us to see it that way, and for a lot of us age and experience tends to blur our earliest attempts, but in terms of things one can do with a penis anal penetration isn’t that much harder or often any more awkward or uncomfortable than vaginal penetration. Nor (since, upon rereading Quilzas’s comment, I notice even here my cultural conditioning is trying to take over) need anal penetration be any less than “fun, we had a great time. :D”

Except for a two-year period of surgically-facilitated fertility I’ve had vasectomies since I was 21. But several of my partners mentioned that they chose anal intercourse as an alternative to abstinence when birth control was unavailable.

Now at least according to a blogger named Mark Pincus this may be another one of those generational things, e.g.

...we found that most urban 20 something women saw anal as normal while those in their 30’s and 40’s saw it as something taboo, racy, raunchy, slutty (take your pick).

He said it here.

So… I’m curious. Assuming nobody involved is a clueless dimplick and also assuming your experiences were voluntary and intentional, and of course, assuming you’ve tried both, how would you compare your first times trying vaginal and anal intercourse? And which did you try first?

For me I think it was actually a lot easier trying anal penetration for the first time. For one thing I was older, I already had a lot of experience with vaginal intercourse, and since I was out of adolescence I think I just had a lot less of that teenage angst-on-the-line, whoa-this-is-it feeling. For another my partner was way more experienced and so was able to take the lead and tell me exactly where, when, how, and how quickly she wanted to proceed. Which is a good thing because I was so heart-thumpingly solemnly/aroused/thrilled/honored/curious, not to mention head-over-heels in love anyway, that I was practically trembling. (I think my partner and I trembled the first time I had vaginal sex as well, but that had a lot to do with our dead fear of pregnancy combined with our dodgy contraception techniques.)