You know those stories where someone notices that, if you squint just right, and turn your head a little, and ignore that little bulge on the top, a rust stain on a wall or a scorch mark on a tortilla looks exactly like [your favorite deity or rockstar here]? And then sometimes hundreds or thousands of people do pilgrimages to go see it, either in real life or, more often, on Ebay?

And you may remember, or at least might have heard, that back in the 1990s about prolonged outrage over alleged hidden phalluses on The Little Mermaid covers? (Just think how that would have been handled by today’s 24/7 noise machines!?!?!)

Anyway, (via AAG) Melissa McEwan of has uncovered sort of the opposite effect: Church officials in Oklahoma wearing up and down there’s nothing to see at all, nope, nothing at all to… well, here’s how McEwan puts it

Source: Photobucket via Shakesville

If you can’t view the image, it’s of a ten-foot-tall crucifix hanging in St. Charles Borromeo Catholic Church in Oklahoma, in which Jesus’ abs (I ain’t gonna mince words) look like a huge cock and balls.

The controversial crucifix has caused a deep divide among members of St. Charles Borromeo Catholic Church, where it hangs above the main altar.

“There are a couple people who have left the parish,” said the Rev. Philip Seeton, the church’s pastor. “There are people in the parish who don’t like it and have stayed.”

Critics of the crucifix take issue with what appears to be a large penis covering Jesus’ abdominal area. Seeton said the portion of the crucifix in question is meant to be Jesus’ abdomen “showing distension” — not a penis.

Via Andy, who notes: “The crucifix is based on the San Damiano Crucifix. As you can see, it has distended abs too.”

Read the quote, and lively (and pretty hilarious) commentarey, here.

Despite McEwen’s warning for those triggered by associations with priest abuse the comments are perhaps-uncharacteristically light-hearted for Shakesville. For instance a commenter named Rehmeyer said “Seek immediate medical attention if your distended abs last longer than four hours.”

The pastor’s response reminds me a lot of Mississippi John Hurt’s reaction to criticism of the lyrics of his Candy Man Blues. Claiming to be surprised he said he couldn’t help it if some people have dirty minds.

The lyrics, by the way…

Well all you ladies gather ‘round
That good sweet candy man’s in town
It’s the candy man
It’s the candy man

He likes a stick of candy just nine inch long
He sells as fast a hog can chew his corn
It’s the candy man
It’s the candy man

All heard what sister Johnson said
She always takes a candy stick to bed
It’s the candy man
It’s the candy man

...

His stick candy don’t melt away
It just gets better, so the ladies say
It’s the candy man
It’s the candy man

Lyrics found here by random Google.

I’m sure Rev. Seeton knew exactly how he felt.