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A Completely Different Kind of Oral Sex

Fri, 2008-04-18 14:10 — figleaf

Maybe ten, maybe fifteen years ago there was a little tidal wave of do-it-yourself family oral histories, aided by a couple of books, a number of popular press articles, and even at least one computer program.

The oral history model involves asking simple, clear, and very open-ended question that are designed not so much to get specific answers as to unlock whole corridors of memory.

Now, via Jess McCabe of The F-Word Blog‘s Sex-Ed for Adults project it turns out someone’s

One of the many brilliant resources that I’ve come across through our sex-ed for adults project is the About.com sexuality blog.

Today they recommend an exercise about writing out your own sexual story. Not in the sense of a sexual history you might tell a doctor, or long list of conquests, but more a private diary, or opportunity to think through your experiences of sex and sexuality.

Read the quote in context here.

The organizing post, once again, is Cory Silverberg’s “Writing Your Sexual History.”

Writing your own sexual history is a different kind of exercise. It’s only for your benefit and as such you get to define the terms and parameters and even the questions. Whatever sort of change or growth your looking for in terms of your sexuality or your sex life, writing your own sexual history offers many benefits including:

  • the chance to reflect on your experiences from your earliest memories to the present and think about the choices you’ve made and what resulted from those decisions,
  • getting a big picture perspective, that can help you see patterns and paths that you might not have otherwise noticed,

    the chance to identify the things you like and don’t like, and understand your sexual terrain in new ways,

  • gaining a sense of emotional and psychological control over your sexual history and how you experience positive and negative past events in the present,
  • getting more control over your current sexual behaviors.

He said it here.

Can I just try to stress how important this can be, not so much to others — Silverberg isn’t conducting research, just making suggestions — as to ourselves? At least that’s the way an awful lot of oral-history subject say when they’ve been given a chance. Like writing, and like those sometimes-crazy “survival” courses, and like… well… like a lot of other opportunities for introspection and self-examination you learn stuff about yourself you didn’t think you knew… stuff you didn’t believe could be true.

Pretty cool stuff, in other words.

Anyway, here’s an example of the kind of bland and, when you think about it, serious but non-confrontive questions in Silverberg’s list:

Sexual Values: Our position on issues such as monogamy, promiscuity, sex work, abortion, homosexuality and fundamental sexual rights may say a lot or nothing at all about who we are as sexual beings.

  • What were some of the sexual values you were raised with?
  • How have your values changed, and how have they remained the same over time?
  • Can you remember a time when you experienced a conflict between your values and your desires?

Other subjects include fantasies, partners, influences, orientation, satisfaction, feelings, memories, and so on. Hey, if nothing else if you’re a meme fanatic or you like quizzes… or even if you’re just looking for new things to blog about. But it might also be an avenue for insight into not just how you are but who!

Anyway, figleaf says check it out.

New Initiative At the F-Word: Request For Adult Sex Education Suggestions

Thu, 2008-03-20 16:45 — figleaf


Photo by Flickr user vivified. Used under a Creative Commons license.

Jess McCabe of The F-Word Blog says

Following on from Laura’s post about the poverty of sex education in the UK, we got thinking about ways to fill in those gaps (and then some) for adults.

Me and Laura are looking to compile a listing of resources on safe, happy, consenting sex, relationships and sexuality, for the over 18 set, who can no longer benefit from whatever wisdom HMG and the national curriculum might impart. Can you help us?

Of course, we’re particularly interested in anything which is coming from an explicitly or implicitly feminist perspective. And we’re interested in making this as inclusive as possible. That means regardless of/aimed at all levels of experience (beginner to advanced!), sexuality, gender, kink or lack thereof, etc.

Book, blog, website, workshop, feminist/women’s sex toy store, DVD, audio tape – whatever it is, we’re interested! Not porn though, at least partly because that gets into contentious territory we’re not really interested in for this one.

A few words on why you are making the recommendation would also be great. You can tell us anonymously if you so wish in the comments, or email us using the feedback form.

We’ve got a few resources listed in the bookshop’s sex and relationships section, to get your thought process started.

I’ve quoted the whole post and please go there to leave any suggestions.

I think this is a fabulous initiative, and a much-needed one. Because almost all of us learn about sex at the same time we’re undergoing adolescence it’s not surprising we sometimes confuse the adolescence part with the sex part. That’s actually fine while you’re an adolescent. Not so hot if we never learn to migrate to real adult relationships or, well, um, adult sex.

I also have to say that it’s a fabulous idea because unlike a lot of other stuff in the world, the obstacles to real adult sex are way more a product of simply not noticing, not knowing, or not thinking about stuff. Plus, compared to other stuff in the world the benefits of adult sex education tend to be enormous, immediately useful, and instantly appreciated.

Just to get the ball rolling, since I’ve just moments ago finished a quarter in a college-level sex-education program here are some recommended links that my instructors and fellow students thought were pretty useful.

  • Go Ask Alice
    http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/about.html
    Go Ask Alice! is the health question and answer Internet service produced by Alice!, Columbia University’s Health Education Program – a division of Health Services at Columbia.
    This site has three primary features:
    • New GAA! Q&As of the Week gives you the latest inquiries and responses – this section is updated every Friday.
    • Search GAA! lets you find health information by subject via a search of the ever-growing Go Ask Alice! archives containing nearly 2,600 previously-posted questions and answers.
    • Ask Alice! gives you the chance to ask Alice! a question.

  • Babeland
    http://www.babeland.com

  • Disability and Sexuality
    http://www.disabilityresources.org/SEX.html

  • Equality Now website
    http://www.equalitynow.org/english/navigation/hub_en.html
    Equality Now was founded in 1992 to work for the protection and promotion of the human rights of women around the world. Working with national human rights organizations and individual activists, Equality Now documents violence and discrimination against women and adds an international action overlay to support their efforts to advance equality rights and defend individual women who are suffering abuse.

  • The Gottman Institute
    http://www.gottman.com/
    Right here in Seattle we have one of the best relationship researchers in the country. The Gottman Institute is committed to helping couples using techniques built on substantial, reliable and valid research with couples. In addition, they hold useful workshops and train therapists.

  • The Guide to Getting It On
    http://www.goofyfootpress.com/
    Here is the link for a very frank, amusing and completely useful sex guide, check it out.

  • Guttmacher Institute
    http://www.guttmacher.org/index.html
    The Alan Guttmacher Institute (AGI) is a nonprofit organization focused on sexual and reproductive health research, policy analysis and public education.

  • SEX EDUCATION: WHAT PEOPLE THINK
    http://www.kff.org/kaiserpolls/pomr012904oth.cfm
    A new project by National Public Radio, the Kaiser Family Foundation, and Harvard University’s Kennedy School examines Americans’ views on sex education in the nations public schools.

  • Sexual Harassment: It’s not academic.
    http://www.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/ocrshpam.html

  • The Wet Spot
    http://www.wetspot.org/
    A sex positive community center in Seattle.
    Note: Now known as the Center for Sex-Positive Culture and on the web at http://www.sexpositiveculture.org/

Again, if you’ve got suggestions of your own, please make them over at The F-Word Blog. Thanks!

[Note: I just so want a t-shirt like the one in the photo at the top! —fl]

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