Photo by Flickr user polandeze. Used under a Creative Commons license.

I've been meaning to say something about this for a few days but Rebecca Drury* of iVillage sort of answered whether or how easily women can have orgasms by "lap dancing" a partner.a question about lap dancing.

Want to make your guy go gaga? It's not just about what you do in bed that counts. Sure, great sex technique will make you a star in his eyes, but knowing how to tease him will make you a legend. Don't believe us? In The Little Bit Naughty Book of Lap Dancing for Your Lover, real-life exotic dancer Rebecca Drury spills the seven secret -- and really sexy! -- steps that work on every guy, every time. You can thank us later.

Read the actual article here.

Short answer: nope, it's all about him. Slightly longer answer: Well, there's always vicarious pleasure. Because, you know, merely great sex technique might not be enough to keep him interested. And we know that's true because the only reason women do anything having to do with sex is keeping up with his enjoyment because....

Well, because why on earth would a member of the "no-sex" class have anything to do with sex at all? If it wasn't to keep him interested in all the stuff you'd rather be doing, I mean. That and keeping him around so you can have his babies too.**

Anyway, I've neither received nor seen a lap dance before, and the fact that I haven't may not make me the best at assessing these things, and so if you've received or given or watched someone else in a lap-dancing situation feel free to chime in. But! Let's take a look at the seven moves and see what, if anything is in it for you for you.

The Grinding Circle. Hmm standing too feet away. Back turned. Gotta do it right or "you risk impersonating a sumo wrestler!" (Her exclamation point not mine.) Not exactly much contact there although engagement of the adductor muscles of the thigh, the tendons of (which some studies suggest) might be connected to the clitoral crura... nah, this sounds mostly like trying to be eye candy.

The Turn. "...Lap dancing is about showing off all your assets, so remember to turn around occasionally." Warning: practice, practice, practice -- if you turn in the less "natural" direction you might be doing it wrong! Also "As far as possible, try to keep your lover in your gaze as you turn." (Is that what happened to Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her? Eww.)

The Slap and Tickle. "Turn your back to your audience and, with straight legs, bend forward slightly, look back at him coquettishly and stroke or lightly slap your bottom. I guarantee this will make him smile." If he doesn't smile you can "brazenly" open your legs more, bend over, and " Slap your bottom hard. Repeat on the other side." Don't get me wrong, this is all cool if you enjoy it and he enjoys it. Because it would be awkward if you weren't into spanking yourself, and he wasn't into it either. Still no contact for you though.

The Lap Dance Grind. "Now bend your knees, keeping your back straight, and gently put your hands on your partner's knees. Lower your bottom toward his lap so that you can just feel his crotch on your skin. Then, keeping your hands on his knees for support, grind down gently, moving your hips in a circular or forward-and-backward motion." That might be getting you somewhere in your actual sort of genital-like anatomy... but fear not, there's more stress to the rescue! You've got to look over your shoulder while you do, and if you do it wrong "...he'll never trust you to dance for him again!"

The Breast Stroke. "...push your breasts toward his face; his nose should be nestled in your cleavage." Because cleavage is where all the best nerve endings are. Also "Keep moving in a provocative way throughout." Because even with his head buried in your cleavage he might lose interest if you don't. Actually I'm being unfair. It's ok to contact one of your erogenous zones... with the end of his nose... through your bra... "or nipple.***"

Knee Strokes. Why, exactly, might there be no warning here about possibly hurting him, as opposed to the warning for "Lap Dance Grind?" Because I'd think he'd be a lot less likely to trust you to dance for him again" because it seems like you'd be a lot more likely to slip catastrophically (for him) while you "...gently put a slight pressure against his groin with your knees. Lean toward him and blow gently into his ear or on his face. You could even exchange a mouthful of wine with him or pour champagne from your nipples into his mouth..." Gee, I wonder if it might have something to do with the fact that, unlike the Knee Grind Stroke, the Lap Dance Grind might actually stimulate some of your parts?

The Body Slide. Possible full-body contact as you slide down his torso to your knees. Might be why there's another "careful here!" here.

I dunno. Can I just suggest move a move #8 in case Drury has a sequel planned?

The Give a Little / Get a Little / Or Maybe Both Give and Get a Lot. After any or all of the previous moves, during which you don't actually worry so much about whether you're doing them all right as long as it feels good for both of you then

• Lean over, however sexily you prefer and press his knees together
• Put your hands on his shoulders or the back of his chair
• Lean your head towards his so your foreheads are touching
• Look into each other's eyes with happy, horny, knowing looks
• Straddle his closed legs
• Start to kiss him
• In time to the music or not, inch your way closer and closer to him
• Enjoy the way he's kissing you back
• Wrap your arms around him and pull him towards you, pressing your breast against his chest if that feels good to you
• Take his hands and move them down to your hips, encourage him to stroke and caress your ass first if that's what either or both of you enjoy, but you'll want your hands there to help support and brace you when you
• Press your vulva gently but firmly against his cock through whatever layers of clothes you have left between you so that you've got good contact with your clitoris.
• In time to the music or not, continuing the kisses or not, rock and roll and surge your hips so your clitoris rubs up and against the length of his cock exactly the way you like it.
• Keep doing that until you're both exquisitely ready to move on to something else, or till one or both of you has a nice kit-riffing climax.

Crazy I know.

[* Oddly the author of the book and the author of the article appear to be the same individual. Not necessarily a bad thing but it's sort of a convention to say something like "Full disclosure, I wrote the book." --fl] [** Which, duh, isn't saying people shouldn't enjoy pleasing their partners. Also that, duh, there's anything wrong with wanting or enjoying children. Just article after article after article leaves the strong impression that women should be content with nothing more. Which... isn't exactly true. --fl] [*** If you're a slut that is. iVillage categorizes this whole article under Sex/Taboos/Fantasies. --fl]