Yesterday I spoke briefly about mistaken understandings of the word “kink”.

Generally, when most of us here “kink” we typically think “any kind of sex beyond bedtime penis-in-vagina missionary-position intercourse that’s preceded by kissing with maybe a little fellatio or cunnilinugus thrown in, and that’s followed by resuming everyday activities such as brushing your teeth and going to sleep.

That’s not a very useful definition of “kink.” For one thing it’s a “negating definition,” an “anything-but-this” one. Actually that right there should be a bit of a flag — if we can only define something by what it’s not then, well, by definition we don’t have a very good idea of what it is! Ok, so what is it?

Well, it’s a metaphor derived from plumbing (though it’s also used in wiring and fence-building.) A kink is a constricting flaw in a pipe or hose. Since it’s an awfully nice day out today I decided to illustrate the point with a garden hose.

Illustration #1 is an un-kinked garden hose. The hose is laid out in a straight line with the faucet wide open. Water gushes out unimpeded.

Not kinked, see the full-size image here.

Illustration #2 shows the same garden hose with a kink in it. Notice little water is coming out of the hose even though the faucet is still wide open. A kinked hose is blocked, effectively damaged, and unable to function properly.

Literally, non-metaphorically kinked, see the full-size image here.

Illustration #3 shows the same garden hose, unkinked, but laid out into sinuous, sensuous loops and turns. This time the hose is not laid out straight, but since there are no kinks in the hose water still gushes out of it unimpeded.

Not straight, not kinked, and still fully-functional, see the full-size image here.

And here’s the deal. In photo #3 the hose isn’t laid out in a utilitarian straight and narrow line, but that doesn’t make it kinked, not at all, at all. It’s working just fine, thank you. In fact, unlike its previous straight-line configuration you could say it’s working beautifully!

A “kinked” hose is the only kind of hose that can’t fully fill whatever it is you’re trying to put water into. The curved, rolled hose with its relaxed twists and loops, though not straight and missionary-style utilitarian, is just as capable of full filling whatever is needed.

So, now that we understand the metaphor let’s reapply it to sex. Now we can understand that just as a kinked hose is un-full-filling, “kinky” sex is nothing more than unfulfilling sex. And we can confirm Madame X’s suspicion about kink. The curved and rolled sex she enjoys, with their relaxed twists and loops are not kinks, as she correctly notes, because she finds them fulfilling.

All this, I think, supports my contention that

...kinky [is] any behavior you feel compelled to engage in even though you don’t enjoy it. This much more limited definition would apply both to, for instance, the pedophile who’s deeply ashamed of his behavior, or someone with a same-sex orientation who feels obliged to form sexual partnerships with members of the opposite sex, or someone with no sexual desire at all who feels they have to have some kind of sex with somebody. And since Madame (and most other people) appear to enjoy their “kinks” very much, those things aren’t actually kinks at all.

Two more genuine kinks: If you’re giving in to your partner’s demand for sex then that’s kinky even if it’s missionary/man-on-top/lights-out sex. (If you’re only acquiescing then it’s still kinky, by the way, even if you wind up having an orgasm. Especially if you resume feeling bad, or worse, about it after.) Another sign of kinkiness, by the way, would be when you do the “walk of shame” the next morning and you really feel ashamed! The point is it’s a kink if it’s something that makes you feel out of integrity before or afterwards whether you’re experiencing arousal at the time or not.

In fact, I’d like to argue that if you really feel constrained to have sex only as described up at the top — “bedtime penis-in-vagina missionary-position intercourse that’s preceded by kissing with maybe a little fellatio or cunnilinugus thrown in, and that’s followed by resuming everyday activities such as brushing your teeth and going to sleep” — then you may be dealing with a few kinks of your own!